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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Rant No.5 - Holiday Likes and Hates

So obviously you've noticed that we haven't posted in a while. This is because, we are Nigerians. And we study for our finals like good children, because our parents would not accept us back at home otherwise. And then comes the holiday season, when we typically go home, see family and friends, eat good food and neglect everything else. So, very briefly, to usher in 2009, I offer a few Holiday Likes and Hates.

Nigerians like coming home for Christmas...
... but hate having to wait 3 hours for their luggage at MMA (Murtala Mohammed Airport), and then fending off rabid money changers asking if you have "dollars" on their way to the car.

Nigerians like eating Christmas food...
... but hate having to haggle for half an hour with food sellers who charge "Christmas price" (rather, ridiculously inflated price) for a malnourished turkey.
... Nigerians also hate people who refuse to pay the "Christmas price" - they think they're stingy.

Nigerians love ushering the New Year with fireworks and bangers...
... but hate having to run to avoid getting hit by fireworks and bangers.

... Sorry, can't think of anything else. Too much jollof rice and chicken... lol. Feel free to add your own holiday likes/hates.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Special Hate of the Day: Sosoliso Airlines

They cut corners to maximise profits in an industry as delicately dangerous as aviation. They gambled on an old damaged plane and murdered 60 Nigerian children in the process.

Seriously, need we say more?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Rant No.4 - Teh Ghey Agenda

Nigerians are homophobic but there are some of us that think we know better and aren’t. But those guys are full of shit and they are no fun anyway. Girls with gay best friends are as bad as girls with fat best friends. You whores know you become instantly hotter when you hang out with such unless the guy in question has a weird fat fetish. Which is totally acceptable…like really…big girls need love too…ok, I’ll shut up now because my foot is way down my throat that it might just induce barf.

My aunt thinks there’s a gay conspiracy in Hollywood and the sudden inclusion of gay people on TV is part of the supreme plan to draw all hetero people to the ghey side. I love my aunt to death and I wish she was my mother but that has to be the most ludicrous claim I’ve heard since I claimed that Osama Bin Laden attacked America because America was approaching Sodom and Gomorrah levels. Yes, I have my own history of blatant homophobia.

I don’t blame Nigerians for being homophobic. There aren’t that many gay people in Nigeria so it is easy to be taken aback by two dudes making out. Note I said “dudes” because with girls it’s completely different. Two girls making out with in public could either be
1. Attention seeking whores or
2. Drunk attention seeking whores.

But not lesbians because lesbians don’t play that shit. And real lesbians aren’t that hot anyway.

Nigerians and the ghey community are just like Anglo Americans and their Negro counterparts. It might look like they get along but they inherently dislike each other. But I voted for Obama and my best friend is black so I can’t be racist. Well, I know a gay guy and we were on the same beer pong team. He even smacked my ass when we won…no homo.