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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Nigerians and Virginity

So I was going to put this post after Sugabelly put hers but being the lazy fuck that I am, I didn't.

Anyway,I was listening to this song called 'tear rubber' on my way to class and it reminded me about this post. This time I’ve decided to whip out my phone and get it out of my system. The song is about this guy that's about to marry this girl but his friend is against the idea.


Apparently, she is a 'tear rubber' i.e. a virgin. I'm sorry but I don't get the Nigerian fascination with virginity.

I understand why it is a big deal in the Middle East, they are weird and all that shit. Why on earth should it be a big deal Nigerians?

This is just too much for me, don't people understand that virgin sex is like period sex, it's bloody and gross. I can understand some fetishes, I love chicks in sports bras, but blood is just fucking gross.

Brandi can always get it

Now, if you a virgin for personal reasons, like your tuition depends on it, nobody will fuck you, religion or some other crap like diseases, then I’m totally cool with that. But, if you are doing it for anything else then you really need to sort your shit out. This counts double if you are doing it for a future spouse.

Two things,
1. he is probably boinking someone as we type.
2. Any guy that ranks virginity that high isn't worth it anyway. Instead of worrying about shit like your breath, ability to hold a conversation or even your stance on anal, he is bothered about your virginity? Smh @ Negroes nowadays.

As long as you don't come pre-packaged with herpes, AIDS and all that good stuff then you are good to go. Finally, I want to clear something up. I am not telling you to take my word and forever refuse to close your legs. I am telling to rethink your reasons for virginity. If after this re-evaluation, you are still going to hang onto it then good on you, sister. Ride on, bebe. But if otherwise, email me your number because one of my homeboys could do with some action.

Thursday, March 12, 2009


Nigerian gay rights activists have told the country's lawmakers that a new bill to outlaw same sex marriage would lead to widespread human rights abuses

Oh Noez!!!!

The new law would mean prison sentences for gay people who live together, and anyone who "aids and abets" them.

Prison sentence? Woah, somebody's son got butt-raped.

"This bill is not necessary, we see no reason why people should be criminalised," Rashidi Williams, 23, of the Queer Alliance of Nigeria told the committee.

"I did not choose to be gay. It is trial enough to live in this country, we should not create more laws to make us suffer," he said.

Oh shit, they are organized too.

Under the new law anyone who has "entered into a same gender marriage contract" would be liable to be jailed for three years.

The bill defines a same sex marriage as gay people living together

What if one ghey dude doesn't find the other attractive? I could live with a bunch of fugly whores and not want to marry them. I just live with them because they cook and clean.

Anyone who "witnesses, abet and aids the solemnization" of a same gender marriage would face five years in prison, or a fine.

Activists say the law does not make sense because anyone who aides and abets people to live together would face a tougher sentence than the couple concerned.

The law would make it easier for the police to arrest suspects, and criminalise anyone working in a human rights organisation that dealt with gay rights, they say

Oh shit! I could be arrested too.

"In the Bible it says homosexuals are criminals," Pius Akubo of the Daughters of Sarah church told lawmakers.

Really? Daughters of Sarah church? We now have sexist churches? That's a bigger treat than teh ghey. What next? Coddamn women, silently taking over the world. Teh ghey aren't the problem here and QAN knows it. We must unite, motherfuckers. We need to stop this tyranny, this oppression, this ...

You know what? I'm starting Sons of David and we are going to fight this system. It'll be like Terminator and shit.

Children wearing T-shirts that said "Same sex marriage is un-natural and un-African", and "same sex marriage is an abomination" stood in the aisles of the committee room.

Ekaette Ettang, of the Daughters of Sarah church who provided the T-shirts, denied they were inciting hatred against homosexuals.

"We don't hate gay people, but this is the public's opinion and we have the right to speak," she said.

We don't hate gay people but our lovely kids do. Seriously, look at that fucking smile. You don't want to waste that shit. Do you want him to grow up gay? Just imagine how much pussy he could get with that smile. You inconsiderate gay fuckers!!

Activists say gay people in Nigeria face violence from their families and neighbours every day.

Two years ago, a woman went into hiding in the northern Kano State after reports that she had organised a wedding for four women - which she strongly denied.

Also that year 18 men were arrested in the northern city of Bauchi and accused of participating in a "gay wedding".

A Sharia court dismissed the charges and they were charged with the lesser offence of vagrancy.

That's your fault. You went up north and you played that gay shit. You know those sharia negroes don't play that shit. Charged with vagrancy? I bet Mohamed is turning in his grave. Those fuckers got off light. Chop off penises and make kilishi with that shit. Vagrancy? Negroes are getting soft!!!!


Sunday, March 1, 2009

"English" Names

The honest truth is that I could write a book on this topic, and still not be done. Who can separate the Nigerian man from his name? How can a Nigerian be anything if they have no name? Names are the heart and soul of our people, and by our people, I refer to ALL Nigerian peoples, and pretty much ALL African people. Our names have purpose, they have meaning, they are sacred, they can make you, or break you, win you fame throughout the land, or warn strangers that you are to be scorned and shunned, they are special and terribly, terribly important.....

Then this dude's mother comes along:

Meet Nigerian Vice-President, Mr. Goodluck Jonathan.

I feel deeply upset when I encounter unfortunately named Nigerians such as our dear Vice-President. I feel distressed because I do not know whether to laugh or to pity these individuals and somehow I feel that compromising and laughing politely will do more harm than good. Why oh why do wicked Nigerian mothers put me and others like me in this most uncomfortable situation by naming their children Goodluck, Godswill, Doesbest, Blessing, Peace, Gift, and my personal favourite....Bright? [For the record, all the Brights that I have met have been pretty dim]

When I was in Primary Four in Lagos, I actually had a classmate whose name was Pleasure. The kind of sick, twisted things that come to mind whenever I think about every time I had to enunciate her name leave me feeling uncomfortable and dirty. Just remembering that she was my friend makes me feel dirty, and then I was too young to even understand dirty in any context other than well.. actual dirt.

Pleasure...Pleasure... PLEASURE............................................ew

I feel like Bruce Almighty.

Imagine this friend of mine gets married and decides to spend a hot steamy night with her husband.

Husband: Oh Pleasure, you give me so much.....erm.....

I give up. I'm going to have to shower now. Look at all the psychological harm her parents caused me, and they don't even know it.

I remember her name was Pleasure Amaechi.... God save Igbo people from themselves, Amen.

While I see nothing wrong with giving children English, French, and other foreign names, I feel deeply disturbed realising that Dona, Philo, Vayo, Biati, and Cletus are NOT, as I previously imagined them to be, Igbo names, but in fact "English" names of various Roman and Latin derivation. I'm going to dish a piece of advice: If you don't know what it means, then it is best not to name your child that. When it comes to names, safe is ALWAYS better. Go with tried and tested names in your language. Everyone will thank you for it. Now safe does not mean preferring names of one ethnic origin over another, but if I ever met a Nigerian named Shaniqua I'd be mad as a motherfucker too.

On the flip side, you might be one of those with parents that just lost control with the Nigerian name(s).
Parents of Unsuspecting and Hapless Children: I know you're thankful to God and all that, and you are elated that He Has Blessed You With The Reincarnation of Your Forefathers and You Hope That Success and Favour Will Follow Your Child All The Days of Their Life, but stop and think. Will Egbewomiye Oluwaremilekun Osuntunde* fit inside a passport? Will there still be space for the visas and the photo? Will you be able to laminate the birth certificate at a local copy shop or will you have to take it to an art dealer for a waterproof glaze in order to keep it safe? All this and more are things that caring Nigerian parents ought to consider before punishing their children with unfortunate names that will most certainly sentence them to a life of pain and ridicule.

After reading all this you'd think you're pretty much set to name your Nigerian child without any mishaps. Guess again. Beware of the Double-Name. I'm a Neo-Traditionalist, and I too fear the double name.

Examples of dangerous double names:

Ikenna (Father's strength.... depending on how you pronounce it... also Father's Ass)
Ikemefuna (My strength should not desert me ... again, depending.... My butt should not disappear)
Anyanwu (Name of the Sun God .... depending .... Dead Eye)
Somadina (Do not let me live alone .... depending ... I don't want to sleep/lie alone - I'll leave interpretation of this one up to you)
Malachi (Who knows tomorrow ... depending ... You don't know God)

The list goes on. You have been warned.

So I guess I opened a can of worms, because people will try to defend their names fiercely, no matter how stupid they may be. And hey, you could argue that Goodluck really does have good luck, afterall he is the Vice-President of Nigeria, but it still isn't right to make something a human name just because it's a noun. In the same vein it is extremely inadvisable to call your child an adjective or *gasp horror shock and damn* an ADVERB just because YOU think it sounds nice. All you Lovinglies, Adorables, Godlies, Luckies, Diligents and yes, even you my Brights, I see you, and I laugh long and hard in my soul everytime you say your name.

*Yes, I know that is not what it means, but I'm just trying to illustrate my point.