This is something I can't wait to tell my kids, "when Daddy was out of college, he played football in Europe, visited Spain and got attacked by Nigerian prostitutes as he exited a bar at 4am drunk off of CruzCampo." Who thought that the stories of my days playing football in Europe would have so little to do with football and so much to do with European night life.
I left this bar in Spain at closing time, and to be honest it was time for me to go. There's only so many times you can fall off a barstool and still be served. I make my way to in the street and immediately received what the Austrians call "Luft-Schlagen" or "the air slap" Meaning when the cold night air hits delivers an immediate, sobering blow to your rosy cheeks. Imagine my continued surprise, when in the post luft-schlagen moment I was mobbed by no less than seven Nigerian whores.
Should I issue the "my best friend is black" disclaimer on this next part? Probably. But these women were dark. Like Wesley Snipes black. Like the guy from "Blood Diamond" (or was it "Amistad?") black. Next thing I know I am being hounded for sex, each one offering a more competitive price than the next, then sweetening the deal with claims "No AIDS, baby!" and "I don't have The Germ." Next thing I knew I felt hands reaching in my pockets; grabbing, touching, stroking. Then one of these night walkers found the ultimate prize.
No not my penis. My Orbit gum. It should be noted that good gum is impossible to find in Europe. So this package of winter mint was worth its weight in gold, and like piranhas to an injured calf, they were off of me and tearing apart a package of chewing gum.
I laughed all the way home. Then I woke up on the kitchen floor the next day.
Just wonderful...abso-fucking-lutely wonderful.