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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Nosa vs Hausa People

If Igbo people are computer illiterate then I guess Hausa people are stupid.

That comment is from this article. AlthoughYerima is within the legal limits of the law (i'll get into it when I break down the criminal code again), this Ibrahim Dahiru fellow is quite frankly the stupidest person on any side of the Niger.

I thought church and state were separate entities or is this just an American thing. Either way, Ibrahim is too fucking stupid to understand this so I guess I can't blame him. He's Hausa and was probably too busy giving his cow the business to go to school.

I'm Catholic but I firmly believe that religion poisons everything. Religion encourages people to be naive. How on earth can you suddenly decide that the law of your religion > laws of the land. So if your religion encourages sacrificing virgins on the 32nd of Nevuary, you get off your butt and kill the first one you see? At some point, you need to ask yourself if shit makes any sense. Marrying a 13 year old falls under that category. Doesn't that sound fucking wrong to you? Again, Ibrahim is Hausa and therefore stupid so I guess I have to excuse him.

Okay so Ibrahim justifies his ever so brilliant point by telling us that marrying young kids prevents then from being "HIV and AID agent in the society." If that isn't some R.Kelly shit then I don't know what is. Unfortunately, Ibrahim gets no pass on this one. I know stupid people and they think his justification is stupid.

I firmly believe the village idiots run comment sections these days. Somebody prove me wrong.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Nosa breaks down the Nigerian criminal code Pt. 1

Now before I start, I want it to be known that I found all of this HERE. And all conclusions I draw are based on the authenticity of the linked website. I can't be bothered to read it all but I'm pretty sure it's a crime to put the criminal code on blast on a blog. Then again, Igbo people could have written it and since they are all computer illiterate for the most part we can assume that it's all gravy.

Seeing as it is long as shit, I will only be explaining the "Offences against Morality" section. As you all know, morality and everything related to it is my forte.

Let's begin...

214. Any person who-

(1) has carnal knowledge of any person against the order of nature; or

The legislative arm (if my social studies has served me right) of the Nigerian government has taken it upon themselves to regulate the means with which you make sweet, sweet secks. The last thing we need is anyone of you ending up in the emergency room because he didn’t put you-know-what in you-know-where. You know how kids of these days watch all this crazy shit in porn and figure they might as well try it on the housegirl? This law was made with them in mind. Girls, if he asks you to open your mouth or wants to lube your ass, call the cops. You have the law on your side because such crazy shit isn’t permitted. If he asks for something else that hasn’t been mentioned and isn’t you-know-where, you should kick him in the nuts and run. Dude is probably batshit crazy and had a rough childhood.

(2) has carnal knowledge of an animal; or

This one is for the Mallams who like to know their cows rather intimately. Yeah, I threw up in my mouth as I typed that too so I don’t blame you. This is probably why all these Italian men import Edo girls #wierdshitwhitepeopledo. Do you know my roommate and his girlfriend kiss their dog? These white people never cease to amaze me. Thank God we have our ever so dependent legislature to correct shit like this.

(3) permits a male person to have carnal knowledge of him or her against the order of nature;

I think this part was made for teh ghey in particular. The first part already made it clear but they added the “him”. I’m guessing this law is pretty old so this could shed light on homosexuality in Nigeria. I should get on that topic one day; it would make a great thesis. Oh wait…never mind…this is for the receiver. If you allow weird and freaky shit to happen to you, you are GUILTY!

is guilty of a felony, and is liable to imprisonment for fourteen years.

This just goes to prove that buttsecks = murder as far as Nigerian law is concerned.

215. Any person who attempts to commit any of the offences defined in the last preceding section is guilty of a felony, and is liable to imprisonment for seven years.

The offender cannot be arrested without warrant.

Attempted buttsecks on the other hand isn't that bad. All you'll get is a seven year sentence which will definitely guarantee you buttsecks and everything against the "order of nature" in Kiri Kiri.

Find me a Ghanaian then...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Last time we saw AfroCandy, it was her absolutely cracktastic video for "Ikebe Na Moni"

#Dead @ the origin of her name. There's no way she wasn't a stripper at some point in time. I'm sure horny after watching this shit. If only the interviewer guy would just STFU and let her work her magic.

Oh, look what I found. A video if her performing her smash hit.

Is it me or is going hogging socially acceptable these days? That back up dancer has got it going on though. I think I jizzed my pants watching her work it. I need to clean my keyboard now but before I leave, "Ikebe Na Moni."

Friday, April 16, 2010

Sugabelly launches NigerianFiction

Our very own Sugabelly, after all the interweb drama, has finally launched NigerianFiction. If you hadn't noticed, Sugabelly's ambition > mine. I'm very proud of all she has been able to achieve with this project considering how very tight her budget is.

Here's her press release (blog posts count as press releases, right?):
A few months ago I wrote a post about a project I was working on: an online community for reading, writing, reviewing, and sharing Nigerian fiction.

It's been a whole lot of nights spent drawing till dawn and peering at my computer and typing until my eyes threatened to fall out of my head. The amount of work that I put into this is unbelievable (considering how lazy I am) it's been a long time coming but building a website from scratch not to mention hand-drawing all the graphics doesn't happen fast, not in this universe or in any other ones out there.

There have been a few hiccups along the way, some small like code gone wrong, and some pretty huge like the past few days, but I think overcoming them is what matters so thank you everyone that encouraged me to continue with this in spite of everything.

Just in case any of you haven't been here in a while, let me just reiterate what Nigerian Fiction is about:

It's an online community where Nigerians and everybody else can write and upload their stories chapter by chapter. Anyone can read the stories (but you have to join to comment on/review the stories or to write/publish your own stories). People can review or comment on each chapter as it's published as well as favourite authors and stories they like.

Periodically, we will have awards to encourage people to write and to give greater visibility to really good writers that emerge or become popular on the site. Site members/readers/ you guys get to nominate your favourite writers and favourite stories.

I encourage everyone to write if they can. You don't have to be a literary superstar, all stories about Nigerian characters or set in Nigeria are welcome at Nigerian Fiction and the site is embracive of every genre so if you're coming because you want to write Nigerian horror or Nigerian smut, or Nigerian fantasy, or Nigerian erotica, or even just poetry, there's a place for you at Nigerian Fiction. And if you're coming because you want to write amazing work and hold court over your legions of adoring readers, we'll be glad to have you. If you didn't come to write but to read, or if you come to read but end up staying to write, we'll love you all the same.

I suppose for a blog post announcing the launch of a website that I've been working on for forever, this post could have been more upbeat but it's 5 in the morning and I've been up all night so I'm fighting to not fall asleep over my laptop and electrocute myself via drool.

Nigerian Fiction is now officially live!! Please check it out and sign up and upload all your old stories and poems that you've been keeping in that dusty box under the bed until now. Also, while you're at it, you might want to follow us on Twitter, fan us, or pick up one of the site badges for your blog. They're super cute. How do I know? I drew them myself.

I will be working hard each day to make sure the site is as much fun as possible for everybody and that things run smoothly. I am totally open to suggestions so if there's something you're wondering about, or would like to see on the site, please let me know!

Read | Write | Rock On

*Note: Sugabelly designed the website but that doesn't mean Igbo people are suddenly computer literate. I still stand by my

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Nigerian UrbanDictionary: Aproko, Pale, Padi

1. Gossip
That girl na correct aproko
Synonym: Amebo

1. Father
My pale too dey shout
Synonym: Popsy 

1. Friend
2. Homeboy
No be your padi be that?

*Thanks DatGirl

Lagos Carnival.. and Brazilians?

So this post was sparked by a feud I saw on Facebook (above). I looked at the argument, frowned, did my research, frowned for a different reason, then came here to write. I tend to go on for hours, so I'll keep it short and to the point.

It is true that there are Brazilians in Lagos, and that they are a significant part of Lagos history. I knew this because a classmate of mine from secondary school was from Yaba, but had an unusual, and very obviously non-Yoruba name, which she said came from her Brazilian grandfather. This is why I frowned the first time, because I was like, I don't see anything wrong with acknowledging a certain cultural history if it's true and not problematic.

Then I did my research. Our trusty Wikipedia tells us that freed slaves returned to West Africa from Brazil and landed in Lagos. Apparently they made up 9% of the city's population in the 1880s, and their building style influenced the design of key Lagos landmarks such as Holy Cross Cathedral. Which is cool, and confirms my first point that there are people in Lagos descended from Brazilians - black Brazilians.

However, I also managed to land upon this gem of a quote:

"The Brazilians introduced to Nigeria elaborate architectural designs, two story buildings and bungalows with stucco facades"

*blank stare. So... we couldn't build bungalows and two story houses ourselves? We had to be rescued from ignorance by educated blacks who had gained knowledge from the almighty Europeans? *sigh. Sugabelly has already proved this assumption wrong. Wikipedia FAIL.

So then I said, lemme see these so-called "Brazilian outfits".

... and then I was like, uh, no. Brazil's carnival is about sequins and skin and heels. It's not supposed to be, "I wanted to be Yoruba for Halloween, but I also wanted to be Brazilian, so I thought it would be a great idea to be Yorubrazilian." FAIL again. If they were going for the masquerade look, they succeeded, but Brazilians everywhere - Nigerian and otherwise - are cringing in shame.

P.S. Due to the large influx of people both in and out of Lagos within the last 100 years, I doubt there's still a significant Brazilian population there. But I still think they're worthy of mention. Just not in garish costumes and in lieu of actual Nigerian cultural dress.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Ikebe Na Moni

Igbo people again....maximum LOLz

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Nigerian UrbanDictionary: Kokolette

We have our first entry, i think.


1. Describes a sexy woman..made popular by Nigerian musician D'BANJ aka The Koko-Master

2. "A nigerian word derived from the word koko and referering to a female sexual partner." - Source