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Thursday, September 30, 2010

Nigeria is 50!!! Pop Son'tin!!!!


Some people are going to go all deep today and whine about how Nigeria is a "fool @ 50". All those negative Nonsos are just bitter no one is inviting them to chop party rice. I don't blame them. If I had to spend independence day on my own, I'd be mad too. As for me and my house, we are celebrating 50 years in style.
Beer pong? No, we are playing palmwine pong. Suya on deck. I flew some Hausa people to get it done right. As a bigz boys, I gast represent.

On a serious note though, I hear people talk about how they are ashamed to be Nigerian and how Ghana has taken our spot (tufiakwa). You can miss me with all that. I'm proudly Nigerian, probably jingoistic too. I can't think of anything I'd rather be. Ok, I lie, I'd rather be Brazilian. Bros, Brazilian babes toh behd!!! But that's a story for another day on another blog under another name.

Nigeria is bigger than the people in power. These people will come and go but Nigeria will still be here. Nigeria needs her people to be proud of her. There may be some moments of extreme hand-fallage...


...but there are times she makes us proud.

If you ever feel embarrassed to be Nigerian, look at the bright side, you aren't Ghanaian. 

Happy independence day, Nigerians. 

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

All I do is Ping! Ping! Piiiiiing!

Blackberry Anthem by Bit Benders by cp-africa.com


I. Have. Died.

BONUS:

Facebook Love


BB Pin - Mr. Montana

"Your girl see how my face looks, then she adds me on facebook. I give her my pin and I ping her, then she follow me on twitter"

- WizKid on "Jonzing World"

Monday, September 27, 2010

Z on Bella Naija

This was going to be an epic post but I just did Controls homework and I think a part of me died in the process so bear with me.

I sorta did a post on Z a while ago and in case you didn't know this, she's my hero. She has this post on BellaNaija about being gay/queer/i-don't-know-the-appropriate term and Nigerian and it's a pretty good read. She was also on Vera's radio show thingy about pretty much the same thing. 

What was I going to say again? I think my brain just froze. If you have kids, let them follow their dreams and major in basket weaving because this engineering thing is not the business. It feels like I have dementors standing over me or something.

I'll just do my regular screencap thing, good?
Bella Naija has the wisest people in the comment section. I think should post my homework on there one of these days. I'm pretty sure someone will do it for me.

Does sodomy include anal and oral sex?

Sugabelly showed me some thing about how pre-colonial Igbo people partook in homosexual relations. Yes, I giggled after writing that last sentence. Speaking of religion, I'm pretty sure that came from the "west".  Why are we so selective as to what we "take from the west"? Random note, why do the British get included with the "west"? Shouldn't they be like the "north" or something? I digress, again.



hahahahahahahahahhahaha 


I posted this on Z's blog but I'll reiterate it. 
Yeah, so you know how in the bible it says a man shall not lie with another man the way he lies with a woman? What if that means a man cannot have vaginal sex with a woman? Makes sense, no? I mean, it's just trying to state the obvious in case some guy wanted to try it.

Why wasn't homosexuality included in the 10 commandments? Why are Nigerians more accepting of an adulterous man or thief than a homosexual? The bible clearly says, "Thou shall not commit adultery" but a man cheating on his wife is not as bad a gay one. There are people that routinely go against the 10 commandments but they get a pass. When a gay person comes around, it's a taboo and an abomination. People lie and steal but the bible doesn't get whipped out as fast. If being gay is a sin, why is it bigger sin compared to lying, stealing, and adultery? The things the Lord explicitly said we shouldn't do. 

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Arguing on teh interweb

I won't lie, somedays I wake up and I want to argue. Yesterday was one of those days. It all started with this little status update by Chxta

Being the hater that I am, I chip in my little $0.02 and it began.








Bono is still a pretentious cunt and I still don't like Oprah. Aren't internet arguments fun?

*PS: If you spot one or two #gbagauns, forgive me. I sabi speak English. We suppose argue for Igbo.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

IBB is gully




Summary

  • He did the right thing for that June 12 thing. You disagree? You don't know shit.
  • Abacha stabilized the country.
  • Regret? What are you talking about? He "accepts" responsibility not regret.
  • Nigerians judged him unfairly.
  • You mad? Move the f*ck on, negroes.
  • He is running because he has a bullet in him for the country.
  • Rigging? He doesn't do all that illegal nonsense. Each vote will count, especially the 6 million from his village
  • He promised a "free and fair" election and he delivered. 
Snap Judgement

Nosa's take
I'd vote for him before I vote for Chris Okotie, I know that much. I can't help but admire the man's not-give-a-shit-tery. When I grow up, I want to be like him. Nigerians, the man took a bullet for our beloved country. That alone warrants out votes. Would Jonathan or Okotie take a bullet for Nigeria? Hell no. The only reason he doesn't get my full support is because I'm running for president. I'm a better candidate and  if I wasn't running, I'd be on his team. 

On a serious note, I believe the man has every right to run and he deserves our attention. I read about protests when he declared and I was pretty disappointed. Nigerian youth, for the most part, are a bunch of empty barrels and you know what they say about empty barrels. Everybody is a pundit on the internet but when it comes down to it, nobody votes. If you disagree, head to the polls and prove me wrong. All those rallies in London and New York aren't worth anything if nobody votes. All those albums we help eLDee sell aren't worth anything if nobody votes. If you really want change, go out and make that change. It doesn't matter if you think the elections are going to be rigged. The fact you go out and vote makes it harder to rig compared to when you don't. 

...and if you don't like the candidates, vote for me. I promise change you can believe in. Trust me, I have enough quarters for your laundry and vending machine needs.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Majela Zeze Diamond

'

It's your girl, Majela, Eve's long lost Nigerian sister. I always knew Eve was Nigerian, I just didn't have proof. I remember watching her first video and I was wondering why she was fully clothed and whatnot. I guess someone relayed my message because she's definitely stepped up her game. Either that or she watched the "Ikebe Na Moni" video. I know she's Edo and she's in Italy. I don't have proof to support this either claim but I'm willing to bet my goats on it.

The "cyclers" she has on are a nice touch. Back in the day, seeing a girl's cyclers was the main thing. This was before I thought reaching first base was achievable. You'd call your homeboys and tell them the great news. Like every hater, your homeboys would call you a liar. You give them a vivid description and like all haters, they'd get all jealous/bitter/salty.
"Aint my fault yo ass aint in strategic cycler spotting locations. Quit hating, nigga"

BONUS


PS: She's doing it for the lulz. If you are taking her serious then you, like a lot of people, are stupid.

Nigerians are so sensitive

Lots of posts today, eh? Well, these should last you for a bit because school is about get real. Hopefully Alex, Sugabelly and Mellowyel get to work. Speaking of Mellowyel, she's graduated so she should be jobless and things.

Anyway,


harsh, no?

Hon. Patrick Ob-thenameislongabeg

So Sen. Patrick Obahiagbon has a twitter. It's a fake account obvs but the lulz are endless.

 
But you know what's even funnier? People fighting with fake twitter accounts.


She suppose call am standard bastard  


This brings me to probably the funniest bit, you know that fake AfroCandy account? I ran it. Most fun I had all summer. Moral of the story: people are stupid. 

This is where your offering money is going

I am a firm believer in separation of church and state so I am strongly against religious leaders running for public office. When you mix both, you get something like this




Chris Okotie is running for president and as you'd expect, I'm fully against it. Why can't he just continue leading God's children to the promised land? What is his platform anyway? How is he going reduce our dependence on oil? Are we just supposed to blindly donate/support his cause because he's a pastor? What political experience does he have anyway?

You know what? Screw this! I'm running for president.
Presidential Candidate of Fresh Democratic Party (FDP) in the 2011 election, Reverend Chris Okotie, is soliciting for funds from Nigerians for a successful campaign. The pastor of Household of God Church in Lagos State, South West Nigeria, intends to succeed President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan next year. Through text messages, Okotie has called on Nigerians to join his dream and support his party through financial contributions made to a Diamond Bank account. “Fresh Democratic Party needs your support. Kindly send your donations to Chris Okotie Campaign Fund Account 05 720100031** Diamond Bank. Thank you,” his party said in the text message. - PM News.

Pastor stops wedding II

Remember  that wedding that got stopped because the pastor thought homegirl was pregnant? Well, there's good news. They got married!

Apparently, they just drove to a marriage registry as soon as they left the church. Simples.

 I told y'all about a wedding that was called off at the altar by the Assemblies of God Church some weeks back.  If you missed it, read it here. The couple, Peter and Mary Akoussun, have put the incident behind them and are now married. They opted for a registry wedding. They were said to have gone straight from the church to Ojodu Marriage Registry with family and friends to formalize their union. The groom told reporter Foluso Samuel of Encomium mag that the Church has apologized to them.
- Linda Ikeji

Friday, September 17, 2010

NOKIA FOOTWEAR??......WTF!!!!


U see i don dey begin to believe say some people dey actually think through their bluckoss....like seriously WTF is this ????.....No wonder plenty peeps no dey ever patronize our homemade goods. So of all names wey dey this world, nah name of phone wey dem decide to give this pams.....and later dem go expect make person come buy, and to dey wear this kind thing for leg....

NNA NAWA TO SOME NAIJA MANUFACTURERS JUO....una no dey try at all ...... this one don pass falling of hand

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Homosexuality is an illness


...or that's what I think she's trying to say

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Jewel for Jim

United lost and I’m having a shitty ass f*cking day so I figure I should cheer myself up. I’ve been planning on doing a post about Jewel for Jim for the longest time and this just feels like the perfect time.

Today, we are going to take a look at Koko Mansion’s homeless friend’s cousin, Jewel for Jim. If you don’t know what Koko Mansion is, you are in good hands. Koko Mansion is like a poor man’s Flavor of Love.

He is the most popular and versatile Nollywood celebrity, the romantic fantacy of every single woman who saw his movies

Versatile? I wouldn’t say versatile since James Ikechwukwu can only act as the person that just came back from America. Dude is like the Tyler Perry of Nigerian actors, always doing the same shit. I’ll admit, I saw one movie were he was actually a good guy and it felt so unnatural. It was like James was supposed to act like something beyond him. I even missed that his annoying faux ghetto American accent. Anyway, let’s not get carried away here. We are supposed to be finding a “Jewel” for James. We should define “Jewel”, right?

Jewel - a “rare gem”, a cultural and social ambassador, a lady of substance, a role model who personifies a perfect blend of the traditional and modern mind, a great talent, a Princess fit to be soul mate to Africa's most eligible bachelor Mr. Jim Iyke.

A lady of substance. I’m guessing hoo-ers need not apply. I could have them. The Lord knows I could do with a couple of hoo-ers right now. However, this is not about me, it is about our lovely James. James’ Jewel must reside in America and there’s a good reason for this. One of the commenters on Linda Ikeji’s blog breaks it down for us.


Very valid reason, don’t you think? I think it is deeper than that though. James is not a superficial man. He is probably preparing for a big Nollywood role and needs to practice the accent. Maybe she’ll persuade him to switch up his ghetto fashion too.



I mean, it’s not 2000 anymore. Even Nelly has stopped wearing jerseys.

Not every woman in America can be James’ jewel though. There are so specific requirements that he wants met.

Must be Single
Minimum age is 21
Must agree to "JewelForJim" terms and conditions
Must posses a special skill

Obviously, you must be single because James is not a homewrecker. James would also like a woman he can enjoy a night out with so she must be 21. James doesn’t want to be hanging out in those ghetto 18 & up clubs. Although, 18 & up clubs usually have the type of people James would want to practice his accent with. Pink Monkey in Houston comes to mind. James could totally master the role of the “fresh from abroad” role there. More importantly though, you need to have a “special skill” to be James’ jewel. I wonder what “special skill” means. Is that Iyke-speak for “bitch better be able to cook”? I wonder if stripper skills count.

Personally, I think AfroCandy should definitely apply. Her star seems to have faded. She promised us a new video a while ago and she hasn’t delivered. Times must be hard, she should have hired me as her manager when I offered. She fits James’ criteria too. She’s over 21, probably like 55 or something. I know she is single. Don’t ask me how I know. Ok, I confess, I read the bio on her website. After watching that “Ikebe Na Moni” video, I can absolutely confirm that AfroCandy was a stripper at some point in her life.

In conclusion, here are Linda Ikeji comments








and a bonus


Have a great weekend.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Picture Time

Whatever you do,


we can do better



Campus babes



The Nigerian National Enquirer?



Sunday, September 5, 2010