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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I'm Done Here...

Someone sent this on twitter.

O rly?


Can someone please beg Noble to put out this week's memoirs?

UPDATE: Have this too

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Sad



I blame the "Northern Bloc" not "Northerners".

Thursday, April 21, 2011

If I See "Boss" One More Time...


If I see "boss" one more time, I'll kick a puppy.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Memoirs of a Nobskid IV

Last time we were here, our hero, Noble, came home with Shirls only to find Ada in his bed. I wonder Shirls and Ada agreed to a threesome. I mean, Ada would do anything for Noble and Shirls is...well, she did say she was his anniversary present.

Memoirs of a Nobskid 43

But before we even start anything, Noble would like to share a couple of words with you.

Each time people die, we always go back to dialogue to solve these issues; Why can’t we just start with dialogue? I mean “DIALOGUE first, before resorting to VIOLENCE” …actually “DIALOGUE first, second, third … DIALOGUE always, never resort to VIOLENCE”
Love is all we need! Love is all the world needs!

All you need is love!


Mushy moment over. Back to Nobs.

Biola wants to know why I don’t think she fits the role of being my wife. She’s of the opinion that she should be given the opportunity to prove herself. 
Prove herself? Na JAMB she dey write? Who is this Biola character? I'm too lazy to go back and find out about her. I only care about Ada. What happened to Ada on Noble's bed anyway? This is a flashback? Oh.

There I was bewildered with no idea of how I got myself into this situation.
I can help. Uncle, me! Uncle, me! You went to Marquee looking for company and Shirls showed up promising to be your anniversary. I wonder why Shirls didn't say "appetizer". Then I could have put this 9ice song in here and it would have a been funnier.
I had not seen Shirls in a long time and her anger wasn’t helping matters because her boobs kept moving up and down with her breathing.
What matters here isn't that Shirls has come home to find another woman in Noble's bed. No, that's completely irrelevant. What's important is that Shirls' anger is causing her boobs to move up and down. For a man turned on my the simple things, this could be a problem.

Shirls: So who’s that?
Nobs: I can explain Shirls
No, you can't explain.
Nobs: It’s not what you think
I told you! That's no explanation.
Shirls: Truthfully I don’t think anything. You know what? Maybe I should just go home because this is entirely my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten myself into this mess. Why did you bring me home when you knew you left another babe in your house?
Yes, you got yourself in this mess. You tried to be his anniversary. If you tried to be his appetizer, then we wouldn't be having this problem.
Nobs : Just let me explain. Calm down
Sigh. Are we doing this again? You. Can't. Explain. Women don't listen.
Shirls : Don’t tell me to calm down. Come and take me home.
....and I'm right again!
I hate drama and I was not about to provide my neighbours with any kind of entertainment. 
TROLOLOLOLOLOLOL
So I lied... I’m so sorry for lying but I did it for the greater good.
Our hero is always so noble. *sheds tear*
Shirls : Who the fuck is she?
Nobs : She’s my sister’s friend
Is anyone keeping score at home? We might to track how many times Ada takes a "L" for research purposes.
Can I be truthful for a bit? If Ada was single, maybe I would have gone with the idea of putting Shirls up in a hotel and leaving Ada at mine. That way I can jog between my house and the hotel just to experience what polygamous men experience.
Bad goiz!

Ada was on the bed only in her pink nightgown with the duvet slightly covering the lower part of her body. I (and my prisoner behind the restraining zipper) stood there for more 2 minutes just staring at her body and trying to convince myself that not making any moves on her will do me more good than harm.
She dey make 'im soja salute
I shook her slightly while calling her name softly.
M&B Nobs is back to play, I see.
Ada has been nice to me and she’s everything anyone will want in a wife.

I had no intention of taking her away from her husband but you will agree with me that it’s not really that easy. 
That last line reminded me of that Usher song, "If I Want To". I can't be the only one that thought about it.  If I want to, I can take you from your man. SWEGGGGZZZZ!!!!!
Ada: I’ll leave your room but just know that I’ll never ever talk to you in my life again. I will leave your house and I’ll never come back. You don’t even need to come for my wedding.
Ada. Haf. Vex.

I tried everything to get some all through the night but Shirls wouldn’t give me any.
Shirls didn't give anything? After everything? THAT HOEBAG!!!!
Saturday April 1, 2011.
7:56am
I heard a knock on the door, stood up and there was Ada in short shorts (?) and tank top.
This won't end well.

As I shut the door, Shirls who had a feeling she was still there waiting, immediately took advantage of it; got undressed and pulled me back to bed.
I knew it!
Just one touch and she started moaning.
As an original bad goiz!

She was moaning so loud that I felt embarrassed because I knew my sister and the entire house could hear her.
Noble's sex game is obviously on point. Deeeeks are not the sameee. Deeeeks are not the sameee as before (Yes, I sang that to Naeto's 10/10. Judge me)
Work done, I was ready to go talk with Ada. 
I swear Noble says the most "bad-guy" things. Ever. Who says "Work done" after brapping? Who?
I thought the night was drama but I was wrong...I was confused and I did the first thing that came to my mind…
I'm willing you bet you $50 and my left nut that Nobs proposed. That's how they do it in all those obodo oyibo romantic feem.

What do you think Nobs did?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

You Slapped Me?




*rolling in the gutter*

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Memoirs of a Nobskid III

This week’s memoirs are late and you know who’s to blame? Nobs. This is very irresponsible, Nobs. Just apologize…
I hate posting Memoirs of a SLU…shhkid late. It hurts me because I feel like we are in some sort of a relationship and I’m cheating on you. I’m so sorry. I have been busy working with Waje and MI on Waje’s album.
Good. Now that’s out of the way, let’s get to Nobs’ wisdom of the day.

So here’s the thing, I know some of you came here to get the list of the ‘used and approved’ locations where you can have car sex in Lagos.
Oooooh…we are talking about car sex this week. SWEET!
Before we go any further, I’ll like to state that I would not like to be judged for this list because I am making it public at no cost.
No, Nobs, you shan’t be judged. We promise.
Are there any rules to car sex?
• Turn on the car and AC (possibly to full blast) and face the AC vents to the windows and sit in the car for 15 minutes talking. The AC should create a mist-like effect on the window, which makes visibility from the outside next to impossible.
Nobody want’s to knack inside a pajero with no AC. No bueno.
• Since you will need the engine on, use a jacket or any thick material to cover the light from the radio set or the dashboard. This will make the inside of the car dark.
WORD!
• For easy and stress-less car sex, the reverse cowgirl is advised.

But, we need locations, Nobs
• The City mall
• The Mega Plaza car park
• The Green GardenThe Palms
• Beside First Bank Lekki Phase 1
Thanks, Nobs! Now where were we with Ada?
I felt I didn’t really treat her well and I wouldn’t want her to travel with the notion that I disliked her when in the real sense I thought what I did was for our own good.
Our very noble Noble. Always looking out for the interests of his women. But you have to call her
Ada: Hello
Nobs: Ada, I’m sorry
Ada: Buzor, biko hapu’m aka
Nobs: Ada, it is not what you think. I did what I did for us.
Ada: I just know that I am not your type and that is what this is all about.
Ada, you’re wrong. Noble really wanted you but like those Amerix feems, he couldn’t tell you how he really felt.
Ada: Buzor, you knew me when I was single and still didn’t agree to date me.
Oh. My bad.
Just as I was about to enter my office I overheard my colleague telling another that she would break up with the boyfriend over “going soft during action”…She said “It was the first round and just in the middle of action, he went soft and couldn’t make it stand again”. “We tried all night and it wouldn’t get up”.
Please people, is that enough to break up a new relationship?
People, answer the man. Is that enough to break a relationship? I have this buddy of mine. His girlfriend at the time was giving him a blowjob. Other guys would have panicked and blamed the weather, but not my buddy. He straight up told her, “you suck at this, let’s watch TV”. Homegirl bawled her eyes out.

I digress.
So I twitted that I was driving to De Marquee to celebrate alone and someone promised me a blind date via twitter DM. I got to the bar, waited and waited but nobody turned up.
Wait, you were being serious?
Since I didn’t go out with my boys I decided to go home early and that was when she showed up…
Who could it beeeeee?
It was my Shirls looking all pretty and things

Shirls? What kind of dirty name is that? Shirls for Shirley? Nigerian girls need to respect themselves abeg. Which one is Shirls?
Shirls : You are an ashewo. So you sha came for this date
Nobs : I only came here because I wanted to hang out and not because of any stupid blind date.
Nobs does what he wants, heaux! He isn’t here for a date. Ok, he is but that’s irrelevant and we aren’t letting little facts get in the way.
Shirls : So do you still want to stay?
Nobs : Let’s go or are you going home?
Shirls : I’m your anniversary present

We drove home and immediately Obinna opened the door he said
Obinna : Nobs, can I see you? ….It’s very important
I wonder what could be so important that dumbass Obinna couldn’t save for later. Nobs is about to knack Shirls apako and Obinna is pouring sand inside the garri.
I opened my room and there was Ada lying down on my bed.
Oh.
Ok, that’s kinda important.
Shirls: Nobs, We need to talk now. What sort of embarrassment is this?
Shirls, mechionu gi! Is it not in De Marquee that Nobs picked you up? Heaux of nowadays, having liver and whatnot. Such arrant nonsense!

Back to Ada on the bed. Is Ada here for braps? You. Go. Fear. Konji. Tho.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

iPad: The Presidential Prerequisite

So Dele Momodu's campaign manager put this up on twitter.




Since it's by iPad that they are electing president, I'd like to throw my own hat in the ring.



If you have an iPod or iPhone, you can run for senator. If you have a Zune? NORRIN FOR YOU!


Friday, April 8, 2011

Young Successful What?

When I was in JSS1, all the cool kids were in cliques. They had fancy names like Da Galz, BEGMK, Assorted Babes, but the coolest of them all was Westlife. Yes, named after these guys.

In my eyes, Westlife kids were cooler than the other side of the pillow. I remember eating my beans, which was all I was allowed to eat in JSS1, and daydreaming about how I’d be like the youngest member. They’d have a special initiation and everything. I’d finally be able to eat my Saturday chicken too. The other day I was thinking about it though. Was the “hardest” crew really named after an Irish boy band? Did they really shave their eyebrows?


This kinda sorta brings me to my point of the day. Linda Ikeji put up some thing about that Big Brother dude, Uti, forming a clique with a bunch of hombres. Grown ass men forming cliques…and they aren’t even rappers. How come no one told me posing has become institutionalized? I would have formed my own crew since, Pop Bottles With Rent Money Boyz (PBWRMB).

Which brings me to their name - Young, Successful Bachelors (YSB). Sounds like one of those Saturday morning clubs we had in LJC. Young Farmers Club, Philatelia and co.

Dear Uti,
Emeka wants to know

(via)

PS: Why do Nigerian rappers wear leather jackets to perform? Actually, just M.I. I had no other place to put this JAMB question so....yeah.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Is That So?

seeeeeeen!!!!

But...bruv...

Monday, April 4, 2011

Memoirs of a Nobskid II

It’s Monday and Nobs has put out this week’s edition of his memoirs. OMG! OMG! OMG!

Memoirs of a Nobskid 41

As if I didn’t have enough to deal with, a certain someone suggested going down on a lady to make the flu go away; I have not tried it yet at the point of writing this, but I cannot assure you that I will not consider it afterwards; if I can get a volunteer here that is.
Wait…what?
Is nagging accepted in a court of law as a basis for seeking divorce? I mean how can a man go to work, spend the whole day thinking about ideas that will improve sales and on getting home, the first thing you hear is “Where are you coming from?” and no, “the office” is never an expected answer.
I think some men go to ‘recreation’ clubs after work not because they are interested in any game but because it provides them with a “waiting area” so that when they get home, their wives would be asleep.
Wise words from the great Nobs again. Nobs > Pete Edochie > Plato > Rev Run

She was wearing a short dress revealing enough cleavage to make a man want to sell his entire village.
I don’t blame Nobs. Cleavage > Raw breast. In JSS1, I gave out my puff-puff for cleavage. Ok, I lie, but I thought about it.
She was about to become someone’s wife and I had the opportunity of being her first. I’m really not a huge fan of being someone’s first but maybe sleeping with Ada will teach Iyke a bitter lesson.
I thought he didn’t want to settle with her. Ok, I cheated a bit. I glanced at couple of the previous installments before to understand this whole Noble-Ada thing. Ada is a na├»ve villager and Noble is fond of her but he doesn’t want a future with her. Or something like that. There was a lot empty gist so I couldn’t focus but…



She sat down on the bed and from the angle she was sitting I could see her panties and I liked it. There’s something about seeing a lil bit of a chic’s panties. It’s not a crime; it’s just a hobby.
Noble is such a classy man. Turned on by the little things. I wish I was like Noble.
Ada: I missed you
Nobs: No, you didn’t. How’s your husband?
Ada: He’s fine but that’s not why I’m here.
Nobs: Well, I have to ask about him
Ada: Tell me, are you going to come for my wedding?
Nobs: At this moment, I’m still thinking about it.
Ada: Buzor, this is so wrong to say but I still think I’m about to get married to the wrong man because my heart belongs to you and you alone. I may regret all these tomorrow but right now all I want to do is sleep beside you.
SEEEEEEEEN!!!!!
I just wanted to stop her from saying more with my mouth.
You. Go. Fear. Bad. Goiz.
She then started to cry; I couldn’t watch her cry without doing anything. So I moved to hold her. I held her close to my chest. She smelt so nice. I could tell she only just had her bath. She turned and her lips met mine. That was it
If this whole memoir thing doesn’t work out, Noble can always write for Mills & Boon. I’m willing to bet $5 that uses “member” to describe his penis.
It was obvious that I was hugely turned on and when my hands grabbed her boobs, I quickly moved my hands to unzip her dress. She was wearing no bra and she stood up to take off the dress.
Does anyone know who runs that M&B publishing house? They NEED this man.
Ada: Buzor, make me a woman.
Nobs: Ada, it’s not that simple but
She placed her finger on my lips to stop me from talking
“Make me a woman”??? *rolling*
Nobs: Ada, we have to stop now. We can’t do this. You will bring shame to your family and your mother will never forgive me.
Ada: Buzor, don’t break my heart.
Nobs: Ada, we just have to stop.
Ada: So are you asking me to dress up?
Nobs: Yes, please
Awwwww…Noble is so noble (see what I did there? *high five*)
This was very emotional for me and maybe we are really meant for each other.
It’s about 2 weeks to her wedding and I can make her stop now, what do you think?
Hurry! We need to help Nobs. What shall he ever do? He can’t let her marry another man. This is like one of those American romantic feems. I’m so excited!!!!!!



Disclaimer: This is all for trips. Nobs is probably a great guy and these stories are probably true. I just like making fun of things.

GUEST BLOG: The Future Is Not A Timezone Or Destination.

We have our first guest blog. Whoooo!!! It's from Boluwatife Akinyemi

-----------
I want you all to watch this video before reading what I have to say.


For someone who has spent the better part of my childhood and adulthood in the diaspora, Nigeria weighs so heavy on my heart. No one believes in the future of Nigeria more than I do. I have dedicated the better part of my education to the political development of Nigeria. I am going into ridiculous amounts of debt to get better my future which in turn is Nigerias future. I was at a party last night and someone asked me, well now that you are an American citizen do you still consider yourself a Nigerian? Without hesitation, I responded hell yes! My citizenship now belongs to the United States of America, but my nationality, my heart, and my soul belongs to Nigeria. I identify with my nation (my people, my culture and our struggles) no matter what state gives me the licence to cross international borders.

Nigeria's elections are this month, and the election process has been marred with one issue or the other, most recently the postponement of the elections. INEC (Nigeria's election commission) has dedicated so much money and resources to the process, infact this is the most expensive election Nigeria has ever held -being that this is Nigerias third election this isn't really saying much- but nevertheless, I commend Nigeria's civil society for taking much responsibility for this election. I have never seen so many youths, and local organizations be involved and be so enthusiastic about the future of this nation.

It saddens me however, that the vigor and quickness with which we believe in Nigeria, so quickly we can lose that hope and lose faith. Don't get me wrong, I know it's easy for me as someone who lives in the diaspora to talk the way I do, because I dont live in Nigeria and I dont live with the daily frustration. But you must remember I lived in the country a few years ago and no matter how long I have been out of my father's land, I forever remain a Nigerian. The saying goes, "Rome was not built in a day", so Nigeria and the future we want to see cannot be built in a day, or even during one presidential election. Even if this election goes smoothly without any rigging and is declared free and fair and there are no more casualties from today onward. The issues that plague Nigeria will still be evident, there will stil be massive corruption, traffic will still be hellacious, we still won't have constant electricity yet THIS DOES NOT DIMINISH OUR SUCCESS. The work that needs to be done in our nation requires decades of effort and dedication, it requires that many of us become involved in the political process, both directly and indirectly.

This post is for all the Nigerians who have watched the elections, who are crying out on twitter, facebook, blogger, tumblr, etc, this is just the beginning. I commend you and thank you for being a part of my future, for showing me that there are still people who believe in Nigerias potential, that there are people who know what is right from wrong. I promise you that your efforts have not gone unnoticed! As TY's video said the future is not a timezone yet to come, the future is everything we are meant to be but are yet to become. The future is us, the future is now!

I urge you to stay strong, I urge you not to lose hope. If we continue and if we hold our leaders accountable, not only that they take their positions responsibly and remain loyal to the Nigerian people, but we ask and fight for reputable and stable state institutions, Nigeria will be a force to be reckoned with. The giant of Africa has not fallen, we are a strong mighty nation, a people who fight for what they believe in. Lets shy away from apathy and take up arms (not literally) but arm yourselves with your votes and understand that in a fragile democracy like Nigeria, your vote absolutely matters.

The political development of Nigeria is my heart, my soul, my dedication and my passion! All I ask is that you find a way to bring yours and my future to fruition. Lets bring about a Nigeria that our parents never saw but fought for, for us. I grew up in a political household, my father taught me from a very young age the importance of my political voice. I always knew I would be a game changer, I always knew I was born to make a difference in my country, and now, I know just how I am supposed to do that.

I have never written a more emotional post, and I hope you are able to find some sort of encouragement in this post.

Merry Monday!!!


Slot tho? Gats insert coin then.

Emeka has something to say about this.



Sunday, April 3, 2011

Memoirs of a Nobskid

I’ve been hearing about this “Memoirs of a SLU…SHHKID” for a while now. Heard it was about some Nigerian guy talking about how he "blocks" babes in Lagos. A Nigerian Tucker Max, pretty much.  Never really given it a read. Well, it’s 3 am on Sunday and I just woke up, I might as well give it a read and blog about it. Actually met the Nobs dude over Christmas. By “meet”, I mean I saw him outside the elevator at De Marquee and my buddy screamed, “That’s Nobs!” However, let’s not let minor technicalities get in the way.
Our Oliver De Coque looking Lothario

*Note: I’m reading this with no context at all. It’s the “WK 40” one. I’m guessing there’s already a running theme/story here, so forgive me if I’m ignorant.

Ok, the “WK 40” was meh. Going to the give the previous week a read.

So different things went through my mind while checking out the boobies from the gap between the buttons of her shirt. As an expert in the boobs department, I knew that if pressed together, those boobies can make one come.

X_______X

“…can make one come”???

I saw babes who were so happy with their potbellies and didn’t care if drinking big stout straight from the bottle was regarded as being razz.

Any babe that drinks stout in public is an ashewo. You. Can’t. Tell. Me. Nothing.

At that point, all I wanted to do was go outside, get into my cab and go back to the hotel. I just finished ordering drinks almost 30k only for her to say to say that she’s on. Who does that? That’s fraudulent and shouldn’t be encouraged. Why can’t chics say things like
“Please before you buy me anything, I’m on my period and may not be able to do anything with you“? That way you’ll make up your mind if you still want to go ahead with the spending.

These hoes! Never trust these hoes! On a random note, I was thinking about it the other day, an “mgbeke” is pretty much the Nigerian equivalent of a “ratchet”. I’m being serious here. Think about it. Both are ridiculously tacky. The shit weaves and whatchamacallit. My brain fails me but it’s the thing were you glue a wig on or something like that, my ex-girlfriend clued me in. Also, while ratchets kpox for Red Lobster biscuits, mgbekes kpox for Mr. Biggs meatpie. I’m not mad at their hustle, Mr. Biggs meatpie tastes like unicorn bacon. I'd totally work Adeyemo Alakija for a Mr. Biggs meatpie. I'm shameless like that.

I digress. Back to Nobs.

Nobs : Yes, I’ll do just that, can you come to my hotel to help me pack.
Ejiro : I still dey clean house. It’s a staurday na.
Nobs: Ok . I hope you are fine tho
Ejiro : Yes but I don’t have credit. Can you send me small MTN like 750.
Nobs: I’ll do that. Speak later.

Hahahahhahahah. Despite not giving our homeboy anything, Ejiro has the testicular temerity to ask for MTN credit. I totally feel Nobs’ pain.

Have I said anything mean about Nobs yet? Nope. Damn, I was actually hoping to read the whole thing and trash it like I do to most things. Oh well, there’s always next week.

(via Memoirs of a Nobskid 39)

ThisDAY Fail


Sandra "Bollock" tho???

Dear ThisDAY,