Stuff Nigerians Love/Hate

#OccupySomething

2012-01-11T05:13:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I'm not going to share my opinion on this subsidy thing because I'm an idiot and I really don't know anything. However, I do agree that our government should be held accountable for its actions. I do have an issue with the "Occupy" movement. Let's ignore the fact that the "Occupy Wall Street" movement that it mimics was a colossal failure. I have an issue with the headless nature of the movement. Do remember that I am an idiot and I am probably misinformed, but shouldn't the average idiot, like myself, be able to identify a clear leader from a distance?

On twitter, I see El-Rufai encouraging Nigerians to keep challenging the government. He might have a point, but let's not forget how shady his tenure as FCT minister was. Boko Haram apparently "supports" the cause, but let's not forget they are a terrorist organization that have taken lots of innocent lives.

The "Occupy Nigeria" movement needs an identifiable leader and a clear set of objectives. It also needs to distance itself from shady support. As for fellow idiots, if you're not about that protest life, please chill somewhere. No need for senseless martyrdom.

Christmas Wishes…

2011-12-23T12:28:00.001-08:00

Christmas is here again people. I would’ve loved to wish y’all a merry Christmas & happy new year but I don’t really roll like that. This year has been rather traumatic for me, mainly because I joined twitter and became aware of all the fuckery that goes on there. As this is the season of giving, it’s somewhat customary to write down what you want for Christmas so that those buying you gifts know will what will be appreciated & what will be tossed to the trash. This year, I put together a list of things I want desperately from Nigeria and Nigerians on the internet. See what you think

Vic O/Speed Darlington:

For real, this joke has to stop. I don’t know when y’all decided this would be a great gag but we can all agree that it has been a resounding success. These niggas actually think their sewage quality music has merit and that they have ‘talent’. You people that obviously do laundry for the heavenly host, have washed these niggas so much they’re earning money off imaginary talents. This is almost like some sort of inception. Let us end this now before this thing gets out of hand and Majela gets signed to Mo’ Hits with a Kanye feature in the works.

Linda Ikeji’s Blog Comments:

We need to appeal to Aunty Linda to moderate the comments on her blog. Every time I think that Nigeria has made significant progress, LIB comments slap me to my senses. I believe part of the blame lies with Aunty Linda because some of the things she puts on her blog (e.g. Aunty Amara’s post ) is just downright trolling. However, the creatures that find their way into her comment section probably need no help at all. I am currently drafting an online petition for y’all to sign and support but it might not be ready in time. Anybody that wishes to help in this noble endeavor should contact me on twitter (@_BlackTeach_).

BIS Prices

There was a time (albeit a very brief one) that owning a blackberry was sort of cool and was only available to certain groups of people. Unfortunately, this did not last. Suddenly everybody wanted a blackberry and could afford one. As a result of this, the fuckery on the internets increased and became worrisome. Now, I’ve always imagined that MTN was out for the destruction of Nigeria but if what I’m hearing about Glo BIS prices is true then certainly Glo is working closely with the enemies of this country. I keep saying that some people should not have access to the internet and twitter is my prime exhibit. We saw what happened when the bus conductors and orange sellers found Facebook; the same shit is happening to twitter. Barely literate daredevils that tweet without enabling autocorrect or spellcheck, liter our timelines and camp in our mentions. Let us get Glo to stop this fuckery because when your mechanic starts asking you for your pin, it’d be too late.

The Nigerian Government

How these clowns got into power amazes me greatly. From the anti-gay marriage bill to the 2012 budget, these people keep finding new ways to fuck around in office. I suggest we help them find constructive avenues to mess around without putting the country at risk. I suggest participation in reality shows like Senate Idols, Nigeria’s Next Top Governor, Shit My Elected Representative Says etc. A wrestling federation for the legislators wouldn’t also be a bad idea considering their violent track record. I should think Ben Bruce would be able to arrange the production of these shows for the good of the country.

This by no means an exhaustive list. These are the few things I could think of off the top of my head. Please feel free to use the comments section to tell us your Christmas wishes

Is He A Gay?

2011-12-18T11:17:00.000-08:00

#WhyLawd?

SOGI Naija Is Born

2011-12-12T20:10:00.000-08:00

*Editor's Note: You guys are obviously aware of the "gay bill" already. Well, the horse isn't really dead so...yeah. One of our readers, Z, has decided to take more action.*

<font face='Times, "Times New Roman", serif'>SOGI Naija Is Born</font>

I had started my project a while back, working on the template lazily, playing around with logos on Photoshop. My ex even told me over and over that I needed to get started with it, put it on my CV, get into it- but I wasn’t ready. I had too much in life going on to start putting time and energy into it. That all changed last week when the Nigerian Senate voted on the anti-gay bill, which I refuse to call a marriage bill because it’s actually not about marriage, no matter how much people want to pretend it is. The concept of being gay in Nigeria and pushing to get married is preposterous to me. If there are gay people in Nigeria who have gay marriage on the top of their priority list, please introduce them to me. I want to meet them so I can find out how they bypassed the eleven thousand other pressing issues that confront them as gay Nigerians and decided to settle on marriage. I want to meet their families and discuss whose village they’re having the traditional ceremony in- in fact, I want to meet their families because that would be not one, but TWO whole Nigerian families who are down to have a fabulous glitterified gay wedding for their children. Oh, you couldn’t find them? I thought as much.

You know what, I’m getting off topic. My original point was that I heard about this bill, which I’d actually done research on earlier in the year, and I knew I had to kick off my project. I didn’t have time for a fancy launch, for weeks building up to a great unveiling, I just went ahead and started. Gbam. No shaking. It’s called SOGI Naija, and that stands for Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity in Nigerians. I kind of love the logo, I’m not going to lie.

The site is a space dedicated to sexual and gender minority Nigerians (ie gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, intersex, asexual, pansexual, questioning, queer, gender-non-conforming, etc). In a culture that is often hostile and oppressive, SOGI Naija celebrates who we are without apology. We provide relevant resources and news, creating a forum for community engagement and discussion. Whether you are at home or abroad, SOGI Naija is the place for you to connect and share who you are, as you are.

Now, as the founder and moderator of the site, my personal system is obviously going to influence how I run it. My thing is, I don’t like to argue. I’ve been blogging for the past 6-7 years, hopping from blog to blog, and the longest one I’ve kept open consistently is Leave In The Kinks. I used to argue with people there and cuss them out, even got a bit of a rep for being quite vulgar. Nowadays? I don’t have energy. I have strong opinions as a queer Christian, but I’m not a fan of entering theological debates because in the end, it’s between us and God, really. To be clear, SOGI Naija is definitely a space for discussion and debate...just don’t expect me to personally engage all the time #kanyeshrug. My opinions, along with those of allies and other queer Nigerians, will be featured on there in the form of articles and features, so if you’re curious to familiarize yourself with a different perspective, head on over.

I’ve been blogging as a queer and genderqueer Nigerian via The Feel Of Free for over a year now, and in that time, I’ve heard from several gay Nigerians around the world who reach out to me, we gist, we connect. They are the reason I started SOGI Naija, they are the reason I continue to be as out and vocal as I am, because I know I have already started making a difference. Also, I remember how lost I felt when I didn’t know any other queer Nigerians and I felt there was no one else like me out there. I’m fortunate enough to have my chosen family in New York include other queer Nigerians, and I believe we all have the right to community. So. Voila. SOGI Naija.

You can follow us on Twitter as well- @soginaija, feel free to drop a comment, share the link, gasp scandalously, tweet at us, the usual. We dey.

Guest Blog: Speak For Yourself

2011-12-02T05:49:00.000-08:00

*Editor's note: All issues with this post should be be forwarded to the writer's twitter or you can fight in the comment section.

I have always believed in letting writing speak for itself, so lets get into this then.

The human psyche is one of greatest remaining unexplored vistas left to man. We have managed to come so far in so short a period of time. We have conquered the depths of the oceans and have driven buggies on celestial beings but we are yet to fully understand ourselves. The person we live with constantly. Our thought processes. The reasons we do the things we do. We tend to put these ideas away from our common consciousness and instead have devoted the most of our mental capacities into survival. Whoever as 2011 rolls slowly to a close and with the advent of better living standards, we are being forced to dwell more on our inner person.

Humans are fond of “games”. We play these games for a variety of reasons. To avoid confronting reality, to conceal ulterior motives, to rationalize our activities or to avoid participation in activities for which we lack inclination or motivation. These “games” which my imply gaiety are far from such and emotions and personalities are fully vested in the games being played with serious consequences for failure such as suicide and social rejection being punishment for failing to comply with the rules set forth by society.

The game I shall discuss today is the “Everyone has so I must have” game. Personal tastes have been discarded to fall in line with popular culture which only panders to the capitalist notion of mass production for cheaper cost. Billions of research dollars are spent yearly by corporations to determine how to get into your friends heads. The advent of social media such as twitter and facebook has only fueled this bonfire of materialistic consumption. The inability to be content with ones possessions. The feeling of gratification from spending hard earned legal tender on commodities that have been produced for next to nothing and then embossed with a logo thereby making you a walking billboard.

Stop being a clone. Find your inner Jedi. Fuck a logo

Look! More Troll Baiting!

2011-12-01T11:56:00.000-08:00

Troll baiting sensation, Linda Ikeji, has put up another post on this anti-gay thing.

We have decided to explore the comment section for the wisest of wisdoms.

#LindaWon

Nigeria: A Voltron for its People’s Anuses

2011-11-29T21:03:00.001-08:00

As a nation, we need to decide when we are going to stop the fuckery that keeps going on in the National Assembly. The nonsense that goes on in there would have started a French style revolution in any nation with thinking citizenry. I mean, Nigerian legislators routinely discuss stupid shit and try to pass that same stupid shit into law. How is it then that we haven’t bitch slapped some sense into the idiots we call our leaders? Just yesterday, I found out we were trying to get an anti-gay bill passed into law. Before I could even be properly mad, I hear the sewage bill got passed. Am I the only one flabbergasted here? We are yet to have comprehensive legislation banning Tonto Dike from foray into the music business but we have anti-gay laws? I don’t care about your opinions on gay rights, this is shit is just retarded.

First off, why is this an issue for the National Assembly to discuss? There are children being sold into slavery, terrorist attacks, rapists with a flair for cinema on the loose, unemployed youths and households that have never seen electricity, but yet we concern ourselves with what another man decides to put into his rectum. Have we as a nation decided to voltron for another man’s rectum? Does it truly concern us what other people choose to do with their anuses? Are we really ok with pedophilia but not with homosexuality? To say our priorities as a nation are grossly misplaced would be a serious understatement.

Forget about the homos for one second and think about it; this shit affects you homophobic niggas too because this doesn’t end here, nah son, it’s just the beginning. Imagine driving in Lagos with your brother in the passenger seat and getting stopped for gay driving. Or imagine being paraded on crime fighters as a suspected homosexual based on an ‘anonymous tipoff’ and being beaten into a confession. Shit, in future you could be committing a felony by listening to Take Care or @ replying Big_Jamaal. A political activist would be easier to jail as a suspected gay man or woman instead of trying to convict him/her as a political dissident. Nigerian footballers would most likely serve jail time based on the amount of ass smacking we see on the pitch when they play.

This just adds to the growing list of absurdities found in our constitution. The criminal code of this country says the worship of some types of juju is illegal. When the NDLEA said Baba Suwe was using ‘strong juju’ to keep him from excreting drugs, they could have arrested him, brought him before a Nigerian Court Judge under the charges of illegal juju practices and a TRIAL would commence. Evidence would be presented and witness testimony heard before a verdict would be given. Are we actually ready for the gay trials? The courts are already packed full with legitimate cases and we decide to add this nonsense to the pile.

The painful part of this is that, this doesn’t actually do anything really. Gay people were never going to get married in Nigeria anytime soon. They wouldn’t even have wanted to in this current climate. In the future, when the Nigerian people become more tolerant of ‘the gays’, the law would be amended. All this has achieved is remind us that our elected representatives are not concerned with real national issues and by having nothing else to do, they may be quite bored in their offices & assembly halls. Getting the country to invest in providing mobile devices preloaded with Angry Birds for our legislators, could just be the shrewdest use of taxpayer Naira ever. At least, we wouldn’t be the object of international ridicule.

Nigeria Lost

2011-11-29T03:22:00.000-08:00

The Nigerian Senate keeps losing on so many fronts.

For a country with bigger problems, like Boko Haram, this is a damn shame. A big fucking shame.

UPDATE:

Shame.

The One Interview To Rule Them All

2011-11-27T08:59:00.000-08:00

Remember that Tonto interview? The full thing is out. Enjoy!

CHILL!!!

PS: What's with that shitty theme song anyway?

Comment Section Wisdom

2011-11-23T10:34:00.000-08:00

Another post about teh ghey on Linda's blog, even more brilliance in the comment section.

Rashidi Williams, a gay man, works on his laptop in Lagos, Nigeria. When a gang of men beat him up earlier this year, the 25-year-old gay Nigerian was too afraid to report the attack to police or even his family. Doing so would only create more problems, he says, in this country where legislators are now seeking to criminalize gay marriage. Here in the megacity of Africa's most populous nation, Williams says he doesn't even know of any gays or lesbians who would want to get married given the added safety risks it would bring.

*facepalm*

Oh.

Cheap publicity? He "wants more beating"?

Homosexuals are suddenly not deserving of safety?

I think Sugabelly wrote something last year about how homosexuality was actually prevalent in "the days of our forefathers".

Live and let live, people.

Linda Has Arrived!

2011-11-16T08:24:00.001-08:00

Bloggers blogging about being blogged about. I guess there's still hope for my reality show.

Best Interview Ever?

2011-11-11T14:15:00.000-08:00

Must. Watch. Full. Interview.

Panic! Teh Ghey Invade...Again

2011-11-08T04:10:00.000-08:00

Linda Ikeji put up something about gay marriage. The comments are funny and because I'm such a good person, I've decided to share.

Enjoy!

Am I the only person that finds it funny when Nigerians say "a gay"? Like "are you a gay?" Cracks me up every time.

These Aren't The Leaders Of Tomorrow

2011-11-07T04:36:00.000-08:00

So @TheBlackHermit sent these to me on twitter. It's his fault. All his fault. Forward your complaints to his twitter. While you are at, remind him of the guest post he owes us. thx.

I hate the internet.

Are they trying to sing this song from that one Hitchcock movie? Why is that little girl pronouncing "sera" as "Sarah"? Where are their parents? Does this count as child abuse in some countries? I just want some answers. I don't know why this thing is on the internet without any explanations. The lead singer looks like someone is forcing her. Like she won't get to eat meat with her rice at lunch. I'm serious, look!

Look at the despair in her eyes, bro. She had to be forced. I just want to hug her and give her my second meat. I'm sad.

(Sidenote: Why is the other girl excited? Does she think she's about to become a superstar or something?)

There's more...

I think the budget was bigger on this one. Look at the effects. They're flying and whatnot. They even got Dipsy and Po to make a cameos. I wonder why they didn't invite Tinky Winky and the other one. Oh, I forgot. Christians don't like teh ghey. My bad.

Is that Jesus?

Bro...

What?

What Is This?

2011-11-05T22:09:00.000-07:00

Amara On Cooking

2011-11-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

Hello there!

It’s your girl, Amara.

I have been invited to write an advice post on this beautiful website. I would like to thank the editors for giving me this opportunity.

I was on tweeter when I saw a young man put up this lovely little piece of advice for the today’s young ladies.

And all these young girls on tweeter started fighting him. Shameless little things! You know how to apply all the makeups in the world but you can’t cook for your man.

Do you think a man will marry a woman that can’t feed him and his children? The young man put it brilliantly.

GBAM! GBAMMER! GBAMMEST!

You’re wasting your time outdressing married women. Start outcooking them. All these men will leave their marital homes for you. I have a female colleague that did this very thing. She made the most delicious Isi Ewu and the man divorced his wife to marry her. In fact, the moment a man proposes to you, there must be a particular meal that made him realize you were worth it. Better go and ask your mother to teach you how to cook before it’s too late.

PS: Amara didn't really write this, but if she did, it would probably read like this.

Memoirs Of A Nobskid (Special Request)

2011-11-03T06:55:00.000-07:00

This is back for one time only because of a friend.

Here’s my story even though I know it will be almost impossible for you to believe me. I missed you all.

Noble was gone? I guess I didn't miss much then.

I wonder what he was up to during his hiatus. Maybe he went to find himself or something. He was getting extra emo last time I read the memoirs.

That's Noble at that TNC thing. He looks like a new man, doesn't he? A bit drained but that's probably the emo seeping out. Speaking of TNC, anybody care to fill me in on what that is? Noble was like the only famous person in those pictures. Is TNC like an avenue for regular people to take "famous people pictures"? If yes, can someone invite me. Your boy is trying to get a reality show.

Anyway, back to the memoirs.

It’s been months since Zoba and I agreed to go into a NO-SEX-until-marriage relationship. The truth is, I agreed to a no-sex relationship because I figured it would help me prepare for marriage.

Shit. He's still emo. WHY LAWD?

I know some of you may not understand this but the truth is, there are very few men that actually ask their wives for a blow job. I’ve not been married before but I’ve gotten more blow jobs from chics on my borry (not booty or buddy …borry) call-list than the people I have dated.

So you've decide to save it til marriage? I don't get Noble's logic here. Mo wa confooz

On a more serious note, I’ll like to know if you agree or disagree with me. I think some men does not want to see the mother of their children going up and down on their member. I really wanted to include Blow job on the list but “unwife-like” images kept flooding my mind.

What have they done with our Noble?

Just because I didn’t want to spoil a good thing or come off as someone who can not do without sex, I told her that I would be okay with just being there for her and would be eager to satisfy her when necessary .

Oh. Noble has a vagina now. Makes sense.

It’s been months and I can tell you that I am doing just fine.

NO, YOU'RE NOT DOING FINE, NOBLE. YOU'RE DOING HORRIBLE. THINK ABOUT THE KIDS, NOBLE!!!

I was still in bed when the text message came in

"Mr Noble, the HiTV camera will be coming to your house today to record a day in the life of Noble Igwe for the Breakfast show as agreed."

Why does Noble get a reality show before me? What do they want to know? How Noble maintains his head to body ratio?

#NeverForget

The clip will be shown on HiTV’s the Breakfast show by 9am on Tuesday, November 1, 2011.

Can someone watch this and tell me how it goes? I'm actually interested to some degree.

Got home and there was no light, so I decided to step out for Ice cream. I tweeted “I feel like Ice Cream factory”, few minutes later, a text message came in.

Arewa: Pick me up so we can go together.

I quickly had a shower and changed my boxers. I didn’t change my boxers because I was expecting something to happen but I didn’t want to be caught unawares. Our people say ‘Mgberede nyiri dike,mana obu mgberede ka eji ama dike’.

Any Igbo person care to translate that last bit?

She rushed to the car in a few minutes dressed in a see-thru tight t-shirt; I could see her entire boobs well packed in a red bra. She was packing the sort of boobs that would make any newly born kid reject his or her mother’s breast milk and demand for hers.

Vintage Noble. Vintage M&B Noble.

Arewa: hey Nobs, this rain is serious ooo, don’t you want to come in?

I can swear that I heard CUM in.

This could get interesting.

I’ve not had sex in a while and Arewa’s nri nwa was looking better than the entire Ice cream flavours at ice cream factory. I got out of the car and followed her in…

Oooooohhhh. Can't wait for next week. Maybe old Noble is coming back after all. Just maybe.

Take Me Now, Lord

2011-11-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

Super late pass on this one but who left their laptop with the maid?

I'm going to need one of you kids to 'fess up.

Like, seriously. What is this? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Can't. Breathe.

I swear I hate the internet.

PROPHET RAPES DAUGHTER!

2011-10-31T11:34:00.000-07:00

Did you guys like my "headline"? Very LindaIkeji-esque, eh? I learned from the best. I've captured your attention and you're now about to read some ridiculously boring prose. Ha! Ha! I WIN!

An Ogun State Chief Magistrate’s Court, southwest Nigeria, has ordered that a prophet, Elijah Olufemi Soneye, be remanded in prison for allegedly torturing his 17-year-old daughter. He allegedly sucked her breasts and ordered her to hold his penis under threat.

Wait. What?

The charge reads: “that you Elijah Oluwafemi Soneye, on 14 October 2011, at about 3 p.m. at New Word Covenant Embassy, Oshodi Chamber, Ijoko, unlawfully tortured your 17-year-old daughter by tying her with a cow rope and caning her till she had bruises all over her body, and also assaulting her by sucking her breasts and ordering her to hold your manhood under threat until you ejaculated, thereby committing an offence punishable under Section 360 of the Criminal Code.”

Oh. He sucked her boobs and made her give him a handy. His daughter too. Ewww.

unlawfully tortured your 17-year-old daughter by tying her with a cow rope and caning her till she had bruises all over her body

WHAT IN BDSM-MEETS-INCEST HELL IS THIS SHIT?

Meanwhile, mother of the victim, Mrs Soneye, told P.M.NEWS outside the court that she had been separated from her husband for the past 15 years because he was maltreating her.
She said she narrowly escaped being killed when he allegedly held her by the neck for some minutes until she started urinating on herself.

So she left her kid with this same man?

She stated that her son Michael Soneye and the victim told her that they wanted to go and live with their father because she did not have enough money to take proper care of them, and she obliged.

BUT HE ALMOST KILLED YOU?

According to her, after four months, the victim came and told her that the father wanted to make love to her and she ran away from him.

My head hurts. I'm going to play in the comment section.

Do we have a translator in the house? Does this mean "the prophet is a sick bastard"?

Ugh. I'm done with this. Read the rest

U MAD?

2011-10-30T14:26:00.000-07:00

*Sidenote: I should probably put a new post up very soon. Preferably making fun of Igbo people.

Why Evils?

2011-10-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

I don't think she's into the kiss. I might be wrong, however.

Meet Amara

2011-10-08T15:07:00.000-07:00

She wrote this absolute beauty called "Reasons You're Not Married". She's either greatest troll in the history of the Nigerian internet or an absolute imbecile. Or maybe the rare spectacular combination. Turns out she's a PM News columnist and she spews out garbage with some frequency. Like this gem,

Isn’t it surprising how single ladies now out-dress married women with good jobs whose husbands are very rich? You are not married because the single men around you are wondering if they will be able to meet up with your ever-demanding lifestyle. Even when they know they can afford it, what makes them believe you won’t take a walk tomorrow if anything goes wrong?

Nah, she has to be a troll.

Or look at this one,

I also agree with men when they say that evil will leave the world the day women decide to let it go.

-________-
It's not just Amara, her commenters are brilliant too

This is like troll heaven. What have I been doing on other parts of the internet? Obviously losing at the internet.

I don't think Amara likes strip clubs either.

Let us look at some of the negative effects of these nude clubs on the society. There is so much moral decay in our society today that we now call evil enjoyment. When men go to nude clubs and see young girls with their boobs intact and some of them with Beyonce kind of bum, what do you think becomes the reaction of the man after?

Why should a man be foolish to the point of forfeiting his family name? We now have names like Macloyd; MacDaniel, MacAnthony…It is sad, really sad. Whenever you see a Nigerian man who has these names, please think and see a man who is low in self-esteem and is in a serious battle with complex.

*Dies*

The best part? She has two columns. "Women's Grooming By Amara" and "Men's Grooming By Amara".

RIP Steve Jobs

2011-10-05T22:33:00.000-07:00

This isn't necessarily Nigerian related. I mean, most of my posts are either from my MacBook or my iPad so I guess it connects somehow. Maybe it's a stretch. Whatever, I can write whatever I want.

Steve Jobs was my hero. I stan'd him like no other and i'm not ashamed to admit it. I wasn't born when Ford or Edison were alive so Jobs was IT for me. I could go on and bore your about how Jobs' creations revolutionized technology but you probably know that already. The world has lost a great mind and it's a damn shame.

Think different.

Haven't Done This In A While

2011-10-04T15:09:00.000-07:00

Enjoy!

PS: Happy 3 days after independence day!

The Nigerian Governor's Guide to Handling Rape Cases

2011-09-20T19:42:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure most you have heard of the ABSU gang rape case. Sugabelly has covered it extensively, you should take a look at her blog and see if there's any way you can help. I don't think Nigerian governors are equipped to handle situations like this so I figured I'd help. It's the least I can do. I mean, they won't let me vote so I have to contribute in some way, don't I?

So, you are sitting at your desk and you get a call from an aide telling you that some girl was violently raped by 5 boys. Actually, scratch that. Nigerian governors don't sit at desks. You're doing something super important, like negotiating a big contract or watching your favorite team on Supersport, and you get a call from one of your aides delivering the horrible news.

What do you do?

What else are you going to to do? Deny it, dummy! Nigerians don't rape people, are you stupid?

The Abia State Government has carried out an investigation on this matter and the truth is that, the alleged video never emanated from the university. The victim and the perpetrators are not students of Abia State University. Those associating ABSU with such barbaric visor should please desist from such. The university is safe for academic activities as known for. Thank you Nnaji Obed Asiegbu S A to the Abia State Governor on E-Governance

Look at that statement. Can't go wrong with that. The people still don't believe you? Blame your political opponents. Call it a "satanic falsehood" and a "tissue* of lies". It's Nigeria, you're successful so you have haters and your haters want to see you fail. It makes sense. Why won't your haters make up such a despicable story? Bad bele people.

The people are still complaining? You have one trick up your sleeve, my friend. Trust me, it's absolutely genius.

Get your wife to deny it too. I KNOW!!! My mind is blown too. Make it extra official like this,

The Office of Her Excellency, wishes to make it categorically clear that available report from the leadership of the University said that there was no such inglorious act and ugly incident in the institution.
His Excellency, Chief T. A. Orji, the Executive Governor of Abia State has investigated and still investigating the allegation. However, we appeal that the victim should help by giving a lead to enable government bring perpetrators to book.

Her Excellency has been at the forefront of championing the course of womanhood and promoting the Girl Child Education, Kicking against Child trafficking and Abuse, Teenage Pregnancy and Child Labour, and would therefore stop at nothing to bring the perpetrators to face the long arm of the law if allegation if found to be true even if happened outside the institution.
The report as a matter of necessity, justice and fair play should be substantiated with facts in the interest of our society.

Mrs Mercy Odochi Orji
Wife of the Governor,
Abia State.
mercyodochi@abiastate.gov.ng

And there you have it folks. That's how you handle a rape case if you're a governor. Fantastic, isn't it?

*I bet it's really soft tissue like charmin.

On Twitter Activism

2011-09-19T05:25:00.001-07:00

When I was little, I read something in GQ. I can't remember exactly how it went but it was something along the lines of "a gentleman never argues politics or religion in public". You see, I take all my life advice from GQ. Bless those editors. They make everything so easy. Do you know how many decisions I'd have had to make for myself if GQ didn't exist? A boatload, that's how many.

I digress.

I have a twitter and it's filled with inanities. I like to keep it that way. There are lots of people that follow me that don't know me personally so I feel like they are undeserving of my opinions on sensitive issues. You'll never catch me talking about hot button issues on twitter. Never. It never ends well. Why am I bringing this up? Yesterday, a friend of mine said anyone that would rather talk about "ugwu"* and the like, but not serious issues should unfollow her. I took it a bit personally. I don't like talking about serious things. It looked like a shot at me.

You might disagree with me on this but I don't feel like twitter is an appropriate medium for intellectual discourse. To me, twitter is like one big beer parlor or bar on the internet. Sure, there are one or two serious moments but most of it is all jokes. Oh, speaking of intellectual, yesterday, some guy said anyone not interested in politics is intellectually retarded. My comments on this are for another day's blog.

My problem with twitter activism is that it never really involves any action. People batter their blackberries for 30 mins or so and then go back to living their lives like nothing happened. No effort is made to "act". I'd rather you played internet "police and tiff" with me. Look at Chude Jideonwo (sp?) and Y!Naija. I respect Chude and I think he's a great Nigerian, but his shitrag blog takes time to create fameballs. The one chance social media activists get to be a little more proactive, they spend it interviewing "twitter personalities". I don't know about you, but this makes absolutely no sense to me. None whatsofuckingever.

So yeah, if you're going to fucking do something, please do it. Don't come on twitter and start pulpitting. No one really gives a shit about your politics.

Pardon my French. I got a little annoyed at the end, but you get my point.

*The ugwu thing is some Nigerian Twitter joke.

Well, That's In Poor Taste

2011-09-15T22:21:00.001-07:00

-________-

Well, her bio did include a disclaimer

On Humor

2011-09-15T09:02:00.001-07:00

I was reading the comments on some blog today and it's amazing how people don't appreciate humor or recognize satire. On this blog, I've called Igbo people computer illiterate a lot of times (yes, I'm breaking character here). Once, I was accused of promoting tribalism. Another time, I said virgin sex was like period sex and some commenter said I make claims like that because no one wants to sleep with me.
It's sad, really. You'd think educated people weren't so stupid. If I make a gross generalization or excessive exaggeration, I'm probably not being serious.

*This was going to be a super long post, then I got tired midway*

ZOMG!!! MAJELA IS BACK!!!

2011-09-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

Remember when I said this year was Majela's and no one believed me? Well, I was right. I said her production was going to improve and she'd wear less clothes. Watch this, please.

LOOK AT GOD!!!

Even her lyrics have in improved. Song structure, hooks, everything.

Le Thirst

2011-09-07T07:58:00.000-07:00

Master Jesus didn't die for this level of thirst.

Speed Darlington, Nigerian for "Lil B"

2011-09-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Speedy D. You just made my Saturday night.

Speed Darlington sounds like an abortion on a fruity loops demo instrumental. What makes this so remarkably awful is the fact that he is actually serious. Don't believe me? Check the comments on the video. You see, Majela and Afrocandy were funny. Majela was just for bants and Afrocandy was...well, you watched the videos. Vic O was...no, we aren't talking about Vic on this blog ever again. He has started getting concerts and whatnot and he never gave us any credit so Vic O can kiss my ass.

Watch the video again. HE USED WORDART TO CREATE THAT "HUSTLE HARD" THING! What in the hell?
Igbo people, come and get your man. Please.

Oliver Twist.

2011-08-18T20:19:00.000-07:00

I've decided to interrupt my hibernation (yes, that's my excuse for no posts) to share this with you.

Don Jazzy is having some dancing competition thing on for that new D'Banj jawn, Oliver Twist. See how I used "jawn" in the last sentence? That's me trying to tell you where I spent my summer. Me so witty. Where was I before I got distracted by my self titillation? Oh. Yeah, Oliver Twist.

Don Jazzy & Mo-Hitts are in the best of giving moods and with that they have opened up a Talent Contest to win up to $2500 in cash.
How To Win?
Record a video clip of yourself or your group dancing/jonzing, upload to YouTube and email the link to oliver@mohitsrecords.com
It’s that simple.
1st Prize: $2500
2nd Prize: $2000
3rd Prize: $1500
4th Prize: $1000
5th Prize: $500
Top 10 entries will be part of the Official Oliver video
Top 50 gets a FREE Koko Mobile Handset

This thing has so much potential. People do shameless things for free. Don Jazzy is offering money for it. Imagine how low Nigerians will sink. It'll be (shameless)^infinity. Had to drop a little math on you guys. Struggling to find use for my engineering degree these days, might as well show you how smart I am on the internet. Ha! I did it again. I just bragged about my degree on the low.

Anyway, here are some entries.

Shit, I might jump on this. I have little to no shame and I might need rent money.

Ranting and Raving (i.e. Mellowyel is Blogging Again)

2011-07-26T12:09:00.000-07:00

As is already pretty well known to our readers, most of the writers on this blog come from a school known as Loyola Jesuit College. It's the one that lost sixty of its students in the 2005 Sosoliso crash in Port Harcout, and also boasts one of the few survivors as alumni (Kechi Okwuchi - read about her amazing story here). Unfortunately, it is now also the one you read about in the Punch on Sunday, where a woman blames the school's "pursuit of transforming Nigerian children into Americans" for the distress suffered by her and her family over a prom dress. Even though it was actually Delta Airlines' fault, as clearly stated in the article, she seems to think that Loyola is the root cause of the problem, due to it being founded by American Jesuits (the Jesuits themselves actually originated in France, by the way).

I absolutely cannot stand poor writing, and so I really want to just rip into this woman about her poorly researched, poorly written, and generally poor article. But for the sake of time, and to focus on more interesting topics, I will leave it at that. I will instead, address the larger issue that she should have talked about instead of complaining about Delta Airlines and beefing Loyola for causing her undue stress: that is, Nigeria's obsequious aspirations towards the West.

This is really the heart of the issue isn't it? She was mad that she had to spend all that time worrying about her niece's dress, that didn't even end up getting to Nigeria in time for the prom, when the girl could easily have had something sewn at home. Her own was, why must she buy it in America (and disturb my life)? It's a good question though, and one that so far has not received a decent answer. Nigerians have always been fashion forward, and been able to make stylish Western and Nigerian clothes worthy of any high end fashion magazine. Don't lie - you've seen photos of your parents in the sixties and seventies and wondered why they don't let you wear that mini-skirt when they rocked their own well. So why then must it be a Mori Lee dress, or whatever the hell it was?

The truth is that, Nigerians just like to have. They want to have what everyone else wants, or has, are never content with anything else. The more affluent of our people have had the opportunity and means to go abroad and bring back cool things like iPods and Nike trainers and Apple Bottom jeans, so therefore, the average Joe decides that he must have it too. It's this ridiculous sense of entitlement driving it all. There's definitely an bit of "the West is better than Nigeria" in there, but the consumer culture is the bigger influence. Why else is it that fruit-sellers can be seen chatting with their homeboys on BBM when the cost of that phone is probably equivalent to about four month's rent? Or when you return from a vacation abroad, your co-workers come up to you expecting to be gifted designer bags and shirts when they never so much as offered you a cube of sugar for your morning coffee? It's like Nigerians don't realize that they have limited means and are constantly trying to rise above their station in life. It may seem aspirational, but it's more accurately described as delusional. This is why people steal money from the government - they think they deserve it, and that it's theirs to take. Ever wondered why no one talks about the Nigerian middle class? It's because the Nigerian middle class don't consider themselves middle-class. They think that they're upper-class people stuck in middle-class homes and jobs. It's just as ridiculous as it sounds.

I won't completely discredit the Western worship theory, however, because it's very much tied into this culture of entitlement. The proliferation of television and radio and the emigration of our friends and relatives to America allowed us a glimpse into the world of the expatriates that came to work in Nigeria - one where the mom went on shopping sprees while the dad was at work, and the kids got the latest new toys for Christmas and New Years. And we wanted that, because it all seemed so much better than what we had. Then oil came, followed eventually by democracy, and suddenly there was all this money flowing around - mostly among the government officials and former military personnel, but still - we could go abroad! We didn't need other people to buy this stuff for us, we could buy it ourselves! We'd had a taste of the quality products the west could offer, and we weren't ever going back. Desperate to improve our lives in some way, we turned to the method with the most instant satisfaction - spending. Suddenly, those who had the money to spend on Western products became the ones to aspire to, and those who weren't were left behind in the dust, considered lower-class, uneducated and generally not it.

Today of course, we claim to be returning to our roots, but a careful look at the state of things will show you that that is not true. Ankara is only cool if you're wearing it in a western style, or in a Deola Sagoe or Tiffany Amber dress. Nigerian musicians are finally earning decent money, and yet their music videos parrot stereotypical American ones, and we're still raving about the fact that D'Banj got signed to Kanye West's label, as if only now is he worth talking about. The list goes on and on and on, because we still haven't given up on this idea of the "good life" taken from the Western media, and reinforced by our fellow Nigerians more affluent than ourselves. It's for this very reason that my classmates made fun of my British accent when I got to Loyola, but then harassed their parents to make sure that they were wearing the newest fashions from the US. They wanted to be proud of their culture and heritage, but the only way they knew how to establish a sense of identity and self-esteem at the time, being young and having to wear uniform all the time, was to have something no one else had. And those things happened to be fancy Nike trekking sandals, Timbalands and Sean John t-shirts. Unfortunately, many people don't grow out of that habit.

There are a few things we need to accept here. They might be difficult to swallow, but you know what? So is that antibiotic that saves your life. First of all, dropping everything Western in favor of everything Nigerian is not the answer. That's what Boko Haram suggests, and we already know they're crazy. Contemporary Nigerian culture is an amalgam of local and Western influences. (Also an amalgam of different Nigerian cultures, but that's a story for another post.) You couldn't get rid of the Western bits even if you tried. So stop bemoaning the existence of the West in Africa. The colonists have come and gone, and we are benefitting as well as suffering because of it. Let it go. No use crying over spilt milk.

Instead, let's be self aware. Don't be a mindless consumer. Before you buy that Brazilian hair, think twice. Why is that hair so important to you? Could it be possible that you actually look better in braids (I know I do)? If you hate Blackberries, don't go out and buy one simply because everyone else has one. If you need a handbag, go buy one from a local leatherworker or designer, instead of spending three month's salary on a Gucci bag that someone richer than you bought from America and is now selling to you at a higher price. It'll be much more unique anyway. Realize the beauty and opportunity present in Nigeria has potential, and put some effort into making it worth something, instead of turning your nose up at it because it hasn't gotten there yet.

I want to hate on this Akpan-Obong woman more, but I really can't. The truth is, a lot of these insights that I've had into Nigerian culture and my own attitudes towards it came only when I left Nigeria to go to the States. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it also provides a hell of a lot of perspective. The lady obviously appreciates Nigerian culture because she misses it, and is sad to see the great things about being Nigerian being shunted in favor of some glittery tulle ballgown thing that isn't even all that. In fact, now that I think about it, some of the best dresses at my senior prom were the ones made in Nigeria by Nigerian tailors. So while she makes a false point, I suppose her heart is in the right place. Her writing still sucks though.

The One About Fameballs, Famewhores, and Twitter Icons

2011-07-24T05:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since something new was up here. Not my fault, however.

Blame Noble.

Once he started being emo, he couldn't be my muse anymore.

Anyway, that’s not why we are here today.

An icon where? What?

The other day, I was thinking about that ynaija website and its role in the creation of Nigerian fameballs. If you read gawker before that shitty redesign, you’d know what a fameball is. But if you didn’t/don’t, I’ll give you a lowdown on what it takes to be a fameball.

• An unquenchable desire for fame: Obviously. It is what drives all fameballs.
• Shamelessness: Your desire for fame must be greater than that voice in your head screaming, "Stop; you look like an idiot."
• A lack of redeeming talents: This isn't the Nobel Prize, okay? If you're a shameless fame whore but you also, say, cured cancer, one could argue that your talent is being properly appreciated. This will not do.
• An abundance of non-redeeming talents: These may include, but are not limited to: oversharing, self-regard, delusions of grandeur, superficial physical attractiveness, a ridiculous distinctive personal fashion trademark, the ability to talk about oneself without end, conspicuously false modesty, and sluttiness and/or man-whorishness.

Are we on the same page now? Yes? Good.

This is a good thing…in a way. It means the #NigerianInternet is growing. But this is also means the chance of stupid shit happening just went up.

Oh. Look. There’s a Boko Haram blog.

Very soon, Nigerian girls will get modeling gigs off twitter avatars. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. You don’t want to carry last when the time comes.

The internet just got very real.

Memoirs of a Nobskid X

2011-07-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

Memoirs are up. I forgot to check. The usuals.

Many of you here do not know the importance of our Lord’s prayer but believe me it works wonders. I did not know what to expect from Biola considering what happened between us the last time she came to my house. I know some of you may be thinking, “Karma has finally caught up with him” but believe me, I know Karma and I’ve seen her a lot at De Marquee. She goes around with different men and still comes around.

Does she have man? Does Karma have a BB pin? Will she hook up with a guy #withoutanL?

Biola: Yes, I know him just like every other girl.

Chidi: Oh really. And I was thinking that no one knows his music.

Damn. I'm even feeling sorry for Noble now.

I looked at Zoba who was just staring at me and then I took a quick look at Amala. For a second I noticed Amala’s Baseball cap. The way he positioned the baseball cap made him look like a plate of Amala with unequal piece of Pomo and soup on the same plate. I know I’m not fine but I don’t think parents should let kids see Amala at night before bedtime.

"plate of Amala with unequal piece of Pomo and soup on the same plate"

Nobs: Am I supposed to answer that too? I guess you can ask every other girl.

Chidi: Come on son, don’t take it personal. The lady was just asking a question. Besides I don’t see anything wrong with being friends with the ladies.

That was it. I thought about all the happenings of the day and how Iti had been rude to me all day. We had only just met but then for some reason he found it cute to talk to me anyhow.

Noble, why vex show na?

I looked at Zoba and she winked at me. The wink from Zoba did things to me and for a moment Biola’s boobs looked different. I mean, seated opposite me were different women with amazing boobs and for a minute, I realized that there are boobs and there are boobs. Both boobs are like bouncing castles in two different children’s parks. While Zoba’s are like the ones located in a private park with very little use, Biola’s looked like they needed some lifting.

No. Words.
None at all.

Nobs: Zoba, can I see you in private?

Zoba: Sure

Chidi: Noble please don’t be a party pooper

Nobs; I have a studio session and have to run.

Biola: Nobs, I’m really sorry about what I said and I know you know why I had to say that.

Nobs: I really don’t understand but I’ll just pretend that I do.

Biola: Nobs, don’t be like this

Nobs: I just want to talk to Zoba for a minute.

Ugh. Noble is becoming so emo. This is becoming so painful to read.

I watched her walk back to the restaurant and the song “Ele ukwu egbuo ewu” came to mind. I’m not really an ASS man even though I support Arsenal but Zoba has got Ukwu Nwanyi Owerri.

Igbo kids in the house, translation please?

Talking about Ass, I’ve realised that the bigger the ass, the bolder the stretch marks. A big ass with stretch marks is like a Range Rover with an Ugly spoiler.

Apologies to ESMU- Extra Large Stretch Marks Union

Damn son. Why so harsh?

8.00pm
I don’t know if you’ve been in that situation where you consider deleting someone’s number just because you don’t want to ring them? I considered deleting Zoba’s number so that I wouldn’t have to call her. I called….

Ok, I'm done. The rest of this shit is moist. I can't do this anymore. My thug is too high for this.
If you want to read the rest, here you go

A New Dawn: A Fundraiser for Kechi Okwuchi

2011-07-01T04:35:00.000-07:00

Kechi Okwuchi has the most comfortable couch in the history of couches.

She's also a survivor of that Sosoliso crash. A couple of other friends have decided to organize a fundraiser for her reconstructive surgeries and if you can do anything to help, I implore you to do so.

In order to fully explain what this fundraiser is for, I must explain about the subject of the funds.
There was a plane crash in Nigeria on the 10th of December 2005. Miss Kechi Okwuchi was one of the two survivors out of 109 passengers, and the sole survivor of the 61 students from Loyola Jesuit College on that plane. She sustained third-degree burns on 75% of her body, and was given emergency care at Milpark Hospital in South Africa, where they essentially saved her life.
Thus far, Kechi has been through an innumerable amount of surgical procedures for the past five years at Shriners Hospital for Children, who provide free treatment until patients reach the age of 21.
Kechi is now 21, and of course, there are still more surgeries to come, as it has recently been discovered that she qualifies for laser skin treatments. Also, she will undergo more reconstructive surgeries.
The catch is, these would have to be funded privately, and will be quite expensive. To help out with these expenses, Somachi and Yimi, with the help of many others, have decided to put up this event. Please come and show your support with your presence and donations, as well as have a good time.

You can donate online here if you are in the obodo oyibos. If you are in Nigeria, Lagos to be specific, you can hit up the fundraiser. It's on July 30 at The Landmark Village (Water Corporation Road,Victoria Island). Doors open at 5pm and the show starts at 6pm. You might want to dress up too.

Planking Is What?

2011-06-30T14:11:00.000-07:00

Found this inside the twitters.

Moron Of The Day

2011-06-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Nicholas Okoh, here, wants Nigeria to withdraw from the UN because the UN "recognizes" gay marriage. This is, apparently, in reaction to the Malawi gay marriage case. I don't know about you, but I think sentencing a gay couple to 14 years for getting married is some sort of human rights violation. Uganda was just about to criminalize homosexuality. Sentencing you to death for being gay.

So Nick is saying that Nigeria should leave the UN because the UN chooses to defend these people? I don't understand how you can support the actions of Uganda and Malawi with a clear conscience. I doubt Jesus would have suggested these "punishments".

Religion poisons everything, word to Hitchens.

On a funnay note, watch Ugandans shit themselves over teh ghey.

Pun intended.

Hello There!

2011-06-29T01:47:00.000-07:00

Hello there!

Yes, you.

You that I'm looking at.

I'm taking a break from seducing you to introduce myself. Can't you be grateful?

Anyway, the name is Goodnews. I'm sure you can guess why but if you haven't, I'll let you know in a bit.

You've met my friends before.

Lusty Lisa

"Humbule" Flora

Stunning Stella

Anyway, back to me.

You see these things on my chest?

That's the gospel.

The Good News.

Memoirs of a Nobskid IX

2011-06-28T13:22:00.000-07:00

So I was super hyped about this week's installment then I checked my mail. Netflix just sent me the second season of Californication. So...yeah...my mind isn't completely in this.

Before I begin, #NigerianPeopleTwitter got hip to planking yesterday. I'm just going to save everyone the stress and put out the press release for the federal government.

Back to the business of the day.

So there I was standing beside a TALLER man, who drives a RANGE ROVER and who was probably in love with the babe I was thinking of making the mother of my children.

Look on the bright side, Noble. You have a bigger head and probably more chest hair. That's what women are into these days. As for the Range Rover...it's not environmentally friendly, bitches love environmentally friendly.

I tried to convince myself that Zoba did not seem like a materialistic person. I mean she’s from a rich home and would likely go with the man with a bright future – ME.

Bright future. Chest hairier future. Same difference.

But then, there are no very few women out there who are willing to pitch their tent with a “starter”. You may not admit it but the days of “We can start life in your BQ apartment” are far-gone and are now replaced with “It’s better to cry in a RANGE ROVER than on a bike”. I know some of you may be thinking that I’m preaching modest beginnings because of Iti’s RR, you are wrong… but not totally wrong.

Whether na one naira...

...I was in no mood to discuss anything long with Iti. I know his type and what they can do. He may want to start treating me like Zoba’s younger brother and that may include suggestions such as paying for my drinks and so on.

Paying for drinks. Taking you to Ice Cream Factory. Buying you recharge card. Yeah, it could get super weird.

So Chidi was not only tall and richer, going by the phone call, he had also been approved by Zoba’s mum.

Approved by the mother? Yeah, you are shit out of luck, Noble. No amount of chest hair can trump that one.

Immediately we got to her room. He put the bags inside the wardrobe, opened the bathrooms to check what he did not put there. Trust me, I was not beefing but dude was over doing the boyfriend stuff.

And as if that was not enough, he then asked what we would like to have for lunch?
Zoba: Buzor, what do you suggest?
Nobs: It depends. I don’t know how much African food that you’ve had but if you need something Nigerian, I’ll suggest Jevenik.
Chidi: I don’t think she will like Jevenik. It’s usually for people who eat a lot and I think they cook with White maggi. You have to be careful with the food you eat here in Lagos because of food poisoning. I will suggest we order the plantain and snail here. It’s really good and filling.

Damn. Did he just shit on Noble's suggestion? Chidi is harsh, yo.

Zoba: Buzor, is that any good?
Nobs: That’s good too.
Zoba: Chidi, I’m suspecting you ooo. You have not even stayed that long in Nigeria since you moved back and you already know all the restaurants and the type of seasoning they use.
Chidi: Biko, afom dim nkpa but none of them can even compare to your cooking.

WASHEEEEN!!!!!!

Zoba: Nobs, your mum said you play in entertainment, what area?
Chidi: Ah I don’t know any of your songs.
Nobs: It’s because they only play my songs at Jevenik restaurant.

Hahahahahahah. ZING!

By that time, I’d had it and was about to go all rude on him when she walked in.

Ooooooh. I wonder who "she" is.

Biola walked into the restaurant with Amala following her behind as if I was not having a bad day already.

Amala again? What does Noble look like again?

Ok, I just needed to jog my memory a bit.

Chidi: Oh boy, nna. You just dey enjoy this town alone with your madam.
Amala: It’s not like that
Biola: Hey Nobs
Chidi: Oh you know each other.

Well...this could get interesting.

Iti, Amala and Biola on the same table? I don’t go to church every Sunday but I prayed and asked God to deliver me.

...and this week's prayer point is....

Igbo People Never Win (NSFW)

2011-06-27T11:33:00.000-07:00

That's why.

This is like Majela with n00ds, which would have been totally cool if he had hot wimmenz.

Igbo people, why?

I was cool with AfroCandy. Honest.

Dude used wordart to make his effects. :(

The women? Why did he have to get Sun Girls as his video hooers?

I need a minute...

UPDATE:...I'm back. I think Speedy Darlington dropped us a comment. Be nice, folks.

Too Much "Liars"

2011-06-24T21:22:00.000-07:00

Why you gotta "liaring" tho?

Sidenote: Please, download this album. It's free and it's pretty damn good. If it sucks, I'll give you back your $Free.99

What Are Your Statistics?

2011-06-21T14:31:00.001-07:00

Intelligence.

Smartness.

Self confidence.

UPDATE: The video has been taken down, unfortunately. It's a sad day on the Internet.

Memoirs of a Nobskid VIII

2011-06-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, I need a personal assistant now. Someone to remind me when Noble puts his memoirs up since I always forget to check. I promise if you remind me, I'll give you my personal twitter. I always put up nekkid pictures of myself too, I swear I'm entertaining.

Speaking of twitter, people always make fun of Noble on twitter. This makes me a very sad panda. Recently, it was Noble's choice of baffs. I wouldn't wear anything he wears, but that doesn't make it bad. It just means Baby Gap had a fantastic sale and Noble was in the area.I think Noble is a very fashionable man. Dude is so damn sprezzy, he's like the Nigerian Steezus Christ.

But that's not why why we are here. Where were we?

Oh, that Biola girl decided she wanted some Noble peen.

#PAUSE

Sunday May 15, 2011.
I have been in all sorts of situation but I can’t remember anything close to this. For some of you reading this that have been caught with other people’s husband or wife, I know you can relate to this.

Way to exclude me, Noble.

For me, it was a different experience all together. Come to think of it, let’s say you are cheating on your wife with her best friend and one day she walks in on you two, what will your first reaction be? Something like ‘”Please it was the devil” and then as usual, the lady will use her hands to cover her boobs while saying “Titi, is not what you think”. Like really? It’s not what I think? What makes you think you know what she’s thinking or that she could even think in such a state?

Beats me too. If I got caught cheating, I'd just tell her that I got hacked. Blaming the devil is so last year anyway.

Nobs: Hold on.
(I excused my self and went into my bathroom)
Biola: On your street. Come down
Nobs: I’m not home at the moment.
(Bee, I know you will be mad while reading this but I did it to save my face. I was scared that you might start a fight or walk out on me so I had to lie. If you read this, I hope you understand)
Biola: Where are you? I’m in front of your house.
Nobs: You didn’t say you were coming, boo
Biola: Ok. Let me know when you are back.

This won't end well.

I flushed the toilet to form activity but as soon as I was done with that, my phone rang again.
Nobs: Boo
Biola: don’t boo me anything, you liar.
Nobs: What did I do now?
Biola: Just as I was about to turn your gateman informed me that you are in?
Nobs: He must high on Cossy Orjiako breast milk. I left about 30mins ago.
Biola: Nobs, tell me the truth, are you upstairs fucking that girl I saw you with at ICF?
Nobs: No (I didn’t lie because at that point I was in the toilet and not on top of her)
Biola: You know what? I will wait for you downstairs until you get back.

Called it!

So I did a wise thing, I walked back into the room and ofcos Shirls was fully dressed. She was looking at me without saying anything.
Nobs: Hey, I have messed up a lot and I just need to be straight forward with you. The lady I saw at ICF is someone I’ve been seeing but we had a bit of an issue and she was calling so that we can sort it out. I’m so sorry I put you through this and if you want to go, I totally understand.
Shirls: Nobs, being truthful is all that matters. Sort yourself out and I’ll be waiting.
That moment, Shirls won my heart and I regretted the moments that I had lied to her. I walked to the living room to handle my issue.

Aww. Shirls isn't such a whore.

When I got back to the room, we were no longer in the mood for sex and we ended up going to the galleria for a movie.
To be frank, it was a totally new experience and I began to appreciate Shirls for the pretty lady that she is.

Me too, Noble. Me too.

You know after what I went through and the blue balls that followed, I considered picking up a sister for chatting purposes ONLY but what my headlamp caught was different.

Chatting what? Noble, we don't believe you, you need more people.

She was wearing the shortest skirt showing a huge part of her panties and her boobs were supporting her neck. There was no way she could see her feet as her boobs would have blocked her view.
I thought about stopping but decided that phone sex would pay me more. So I did just that.

This makes no sense. First, Noble just wanted to just have a conversation with the prostitute, maybe with a little chest hair titillation. Said prostitute had huge tiddays but Noble decided to leave to have phone sex. Sure.

Thursday May, 19,2011.
There are certain things you lose with posting late...

Sure, bruv. Sure.

...and it’s totally my fault but there are also certain things that you can never forget.

Our first long conversation.
I was in a meeting when the call came in
Nobs: Hello
Her: It’s Zoba
Nobs: Same Zoba?
Zoba: How many do you know?
Nobs: I know one that was so cute and didn’t like my big head years back even though I used to dream about her boobs.

Hahahah. Noble even makes fun of his head too.

This picture is so appropriate right now.

Zoba: You used to dream about my boobs?
Nobs: Not really.
Zoba: It’s been a while. Got your number off your mum. I ‘m coming to Lagos tomorrow. I hope you will have time to for me. Where do you stay?

Damn son. Hoes these days should tuck their thirst in a little. Can't be having all over the place.

Nobs: Lekki
Zoba: Married?
Nobs: Yes, to Jesus.

Noble so funny. Noble crack funny jokes.

Zoba: You’ve not changed.
Nobs: Have you? Are they the same size?
Zoba: Bigger
Nobs: Where will you be staying in Lagos?
Zoba: 4Points or The Blu. I hear they are the new ones in Naija.
Nobs: Cool
Zoba: Keep your Friday open for me.
Nobs: Bring it on

...and the P has been set.

There are few things in life more interesting than big boobs, I can’t even remember any.

I concur.

These Are The Most Beautiful Girls? Ok...

2011-06-17T09:51:00.001-07:00

I'm just going to leave this here

Who forced the Plateau babe tho?

Memoirs of a Nobskid VII

2011-06-07T11:08:00.000-07:00

The Nigerian blog awards are coming up and we wouldn't mind if we won something. Who doesn't want to come first in this blogging thing, eh?

Back to the business of the day. Noble has updated his memoirs. Rejoice!

Sunday May 15,2011.

On sighting Biola, I wanted to totally ignore her and move on, but on the other hand I didn’t want her to go home feeling like she could go on treating me like shit.

Wait, were there memoirs last week? I'm seriously getting lazy with this thing.

Without trying to hate, I think the guy looks like a badly prepared Amala wearing baggy jeans and spotting a beard unevenly distributed on his chin.

Noble is insulting someone's looks?
*cough*

*cough*

So I excused myself and walked up to them

Nobs: Hey Biola

Biola: Hey

Nobs: (Extending my hands to her man) Hey my name is Chibuzor. (Trust me, I decided to introduce myself as Chibuzor just in case he was the same person that picked the call the night before)

Chibuzor tho? Not even a cool name like "Oliver". I mean, Noble looks like Oliver DeCoque anyway.

There I was thinking, “Biola thinks a minute with me is now a biggie?”

Noble, I know how you feel. Dead babes you used to block no longer have time for you. It hurts. Sometimes, I regret giving them my scantron too. Hoes!

On some occasions, I have ‘fashied’ Shirls just to spend some time with Biola and now because of her Amala in baggy jeans, she wouldn’t give me the time of day.

*cough*

At that point, I hated the month MAY and even romanced the idea that Ada may be behind it considering the fact that I didn’t really treat her well in her mind. So there I was thinking maybe Ada had her bath naked and prayed for me not to have luck with any of my Lagos girls.

Ada be having Okija connect, yo!

Nobs: I called you last night.

Biola: I saw your missed call this morning and I didn’t have credit to call back.

Nobs: You can represent Nigeria.

Biola: How?

Nobs: for lying at the Olympics.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.
Ok, that was funny. I wont even front.

I really wanted to be mad at her but her boobs kept distracting me. She had a transparent top on and I could see the whole nine yards of her baby’s food.

Boobs are so distracting, cleavage especially. Sophomore year, I had to work with this girl for a class. I remember having to write all the MATLAB codes without her help. Before class, I'd prep myself to tell her off. I'd get to class and she'd show cleavage and I'd completely forget why i was mad. Women are demons. Ekwensu!

I digress.

Nobs: I heard you last night asking some man to tell me that you were asleep.

Biola: Nobs, cut the bullshit. I don’t f*cking owe you anything!

Ye! Mogbe! //O\\ (that's me with my hands on my head if you haven't caught on)

Biola: Ask yourself, what is Biola to me? Am I just another character to grace the pages of your memoirs while you go about singing praises about how much love you have for your Slim?

SHET! The hour of reckoning has arrived.

Nobs: I thought we were trying to get a bit serious?

Biola: Serious? Do you get serious? I have been with you. I have even tried to play iyawo just to make you happy but what do I get in return – horrible lines in your online diary.

Biola, you gats get in line. Ada bin dey chill since. On a serious note, I can see why Biola is mad. After everything she did, Noble didn't bring his M&B A-game when he was writing about her. Biola wanted his tongue to trace her outline too,

Lord have mercy! It then dawned on me, Biola was really over me and didn’t give a shit about my feelings anymore but then instead of feeling bad, I was getting more attracted to her.

Don't do it, Noble! That's her plan. All na scamz!

That got me thinking of that time that she cooked for me.

The food? Not the sex or how she played with your chest hair during the sex?

Nobs: We are keeping David waiting, can you come later tonight?

Biola: So you can have something to post tomorrow!

hahahahahahahahah. Biola, why u so mad?

Biola: Nobs, what do you really want?

Nobs: A future with you

That did it. She kept quiet for a while and then

Biola: I will call you later.

Well, that was easy. Noble didn't have to use omo to wash her. She should have fronted small. I was enjoying it.

Biola: I will call you. Where did you pick the thing with you?

Nobs: In the same shop you bought your Amala.

Again.
*cough*

*cough*

We placed our order and while we were waiting I overheard the conversation going on at a table close by.

2 ladies were discussing the issue of a vibrator.

Lady 1: “I think I have a problem, I can never come with a d**k inside of me. It just has to be a vibrator and I think my new boyfriend feels cheated”

Lady 2: Really ? Why? He does not last long?

Lady 1: No, he does, I think it’s just my body

Nobs: O_O

On a serious note tho, are there people out there who find it difficult to come with a d**k inside of them?

This is not a problem for Noble. He always leaves his women satisfied. Never forget that.

Back in the room, I begged Shirls to play my best bedroom game.

Ghen! Ghen!

Shirls undressed and was just wearing her black bra and panties with her heels.

Noble, I'm getting you

She stood in front of me backing me and then bent over. The sight made my heart miss several beats.

Believe me, you may be eating one type of dish everyday but if presented in a different way, the dish will appear totally different and new.

Odi egwu!

She went down on all fours and spoke for the first time.

Shirls: Go ahead, eat me with 3 drops of ice cream.

This Shirls is just a harlot. Eat me with ice cream? You no dey fear infection, Shirls?

I moved on with my teeth to remove the panties, being careful not to tear it but at the same time eager to take if off.

Turned her over and lifting her legs high and parting them, I went all in for the panties, took it off and dropped it on the floor.

M&B flow. You see why Biola was mad? She didn't get this treatment.

I grabbed my phone, took a pic….

Boss!

and just as I was about to drop the phone back, it rang…

Nobs: Hello

Biola: I hope you are home, I’m almost at yours.

I went blank and so did my erection…

Hahahahahahahaha. Biola na bastard!

On NotJustOk Today...

2011-06-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

...so I entered NotJustOk today. Y'know? The usuals. Getting my Nigerian music fix and whatnot. Then I saw this comment on the side.

PAUSE!

Comment Baiting

2011-06-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

Is it me or does Linda Ikeji try to bait stupid comments?

Linda

Bella Naija

It's her blog and she can do whatever but it just strikes me as lazy. Oh well.

The Day Blackberry Babes Went Global...I Think

2011-05-26T10:51:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, American rapper, Vandalyzm, found Blackberry Babes on youtube. #BlackPeopleTwitter joined in too. The reactions were pretty interesting.

#Sidenote: Vandalyzm is a pretty cool dude. Saw him at SXSW. Ok, I'm done tatching.

A Vandalyzm song for good measure

Memoirs of a Nobskid VII

2011-05-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

I wasn’t going to put this up initially. The whole “lets make fun of Nobs” thing is getting tired, especially the “hob nobs” jokes on twitter. The “hob nobs” jokes were funny at first, then #NigerianPeopleTwitter over did it. It went from playful jokes to personal attacks on Noble. This might sound a bit rich coming from me, but there’s a very thin line between funny and malicious. Most of you whorebags were being downright malicious.

Yes, someone peed in my cereal this morning.

The last time we were with Oliver De Coque looking Lothario, he was experiencing some premature problems.

Jenny’s phone rang. She picked it and that was when Kim suggested that we should take it to the balcony. She got a condom,slipped it on me and just as she was to guide it in,the unexpected happened ……

I guessed Noble got a little too excited.

The condom tore..

I was wrong.

Nobs: boo, I don’t know who your boyfie may be dicking without protection, before mmadu ebute something.
Kim: Olodo, why are you speaking language for me. You should have come with condoms.

Noble, this is the second time we’re telling you. Wozzrong with you? Pack condom!

Nobs: maybe you should go down to the reception and get some but I can’t promise you this hard on will be waiting sha.
Kim: Nobs, I even think my mouth can wake up the dead. Leave that part for me.

Wake up the dead?

Jenny: Wow. So are we still on tomorrow?
Nobs: I‘ve got loads of things to do but I can make out time for you.
Jenny; Me? Alone?
I was about to say yes but I didn’t want to make it obvious that I was interested in her.

Bad goiz moves.
I tried this "not interested" thing on some girl one day. Didn't work obviously, I'm not Noble. In my mind, I was running mad game. In reality, she just needed a scantron for her test. #TheStruggle.

Then there was a knock on the door. Jenny got the door, Kim walks in followed by Chioma.
Kim: Nobs, meet my friend, Chioma
Chioma: We know each other
Kim: It’s a small world
Nobs: It is. Hey Chioma, how’s J girl?
Chioma: She’s fine ooo. We should all hook up soon.

Wait. Kim, Jenny, and Chioma. Only one Noble. Foursome? How do those even work? I understand the logistics of a threesome but a foursome? Does the extra person wait for set? Does she tap in a la WWF style? Does she update Noble's twitter as he does his work? Maybe she records the conversation for the blog. Yeah, that makes the most sense.

Nobs : Kim,can I see you for a min
Kim : Sure hun
We walked back to the balcony
Nobs : I feel used.

You know that part in those American action feems that you start feeling sorry for the boze? Yeah, this is it.

Nobs: I feel like a homeless dog in a close feeding off from all the kitchens in my neighbourhood and that’s not a good feeling.

Wait.

Kim : Are we still seeing tomorrow like you promised Jenny
Nobs : I didn’t promise anything but I won’t mind hanging out with Jenny
Kim : Alone?
Nobs : Yup

This is the part we remember the boze is actually a bad guy and we stop feeling sorry.

Kim : That won’t happen . You left me hanging and now you are talking about hanging out with Jen alone.

ELA OJU KAN!!!

Nobs: You know what? Have a good night.

Teek vex!

I walked out and straight to the elevator. For the first time in a long time, I felt used.

Awww. Real tears. Real unicorn tears.

I got into my car and decided that someone have to pay for the blue balls. I picked up my phone and called someone that I’ve not called in a while

$5, he calls Ada. Any takers?

Male voice : Hello
Nobs : Good Evening, please I’ll like to speak with Biola

Oh. My bad.

Male voice : hold on, please what’s the name?
Nobs : Noble
I overheard him saying “ baby, there’s a certain Noble on the phone for you” and guess her response “Baby,tell him that I am sleeping”

Wow. This thing that they're doing to Noble? Eeeez not fair o!

I didn’t wait for his response, I hung up. When it rains, it pours. Maybe I need to change my ways

NOOOO!!!!!!
Don't change, Noble! If you change, how will you entertain us? Nobody wants to read about your monogamous life with Ada. Ain't nobody checking for that shit. Anyone seen Alfie? Is Noble beginning to question his "shallow self-indulgent lifestyle"?

WEEK 48

Nawa To This Guy Jare

2011-05-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

"The Abia State Chairman of Labour Party (LP), Chief Obi Aguocha, said yesterday that he has prepared his own burial programme, as he awaits death in the hands of those who might think that he is talking too much. He said that he did that to make things easy for those he alleged have been threatening him with death through phone calls and text messages.

Aguocha said that he has discovered that no matter how long one stays in life , whether he says the truth or not, he would one day die and for this reason, he has bought his own casket , made a choice of suit for his burial.

He stated that one thing he would not fail to do is to tell the truth, adding that his supposed killers can come now if they so wish. Aguocha, who spoke to Daily Sun in his home, Ohuhu, joined numerous Abians to call for the cancellation of the guber poll, alleging that there was no election. He also believed that, the sitting government has not done well at all."

Okay so i know there have been some peeps that could actually sense when their death don dey reach....and i feel most of them are usually peeps that have gotten involved in some sort of crazy stuff like blood money rituals, ogboni and all other bull-craps)

You see this news is actually the first of its kind, such that the guy not only knows that he will be killed soon, but he also went and bought himself a freaking coffin and prepared his own burial program.....this guy no dey play ohh.....i really want to laugh so so so so hard, but i dont know if this kind of news is worth laughing at, or i should just keep my mouth shut and feel pity for the poor dude :(

anyways i guess a lil laugh wouldn't hurt tho, cos this is really some real disturbing, but funny sh** too...ha ha ha

Well, i guess this is what happens when you want to be "Mr. Honest" in the midst of criminals, animals and vagabonds who only think about themselves and how to suck all milk from our govt's vast boobs..Anyways Chief I wish u well and God dey ur side jare, and he will continue to protect anyone trying to change Naija for good :)

But damn, isnt it unfortunate to know say na burial rice dey sweet pass :(

(daily sun)

Only In Naija.....

2011-05-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

So i just heard that our president's inauguration will last for one week at a budget of N5 billion (which is like $32 million). The church service alone is suppose to cost N62 million.

Anyways shaa, i dont know how true this is...but if its actually true, then i think we would really and quickly begin to pray for this our country called Nigeria. Cos i just cant see how the masses are suffering like crazy, trying to make ends meet...while our government is looking to spend such ridiculous amount of money just for inauguration ceremony. Come on nah!!

This national cake gats reach everybody hand ohh...cos me i no just understand wetin dey happen for this land sef :(

But u see the craziest thing is that this N5 billion we talking about is like nothing to some people in Naija (esp those our political assholes wey don loot all the lootables)

(sahara reporters)

Nairaland

2011-05-18T08:42:00.000-07:00

I take back everything I said about the comment sections on NotJustOk and BellaNaija.

Nairaland is cornucopia of all that is stupid on the Nigerian Internet. What in the hell is this?

Ok heres the deal. . i spent 5yrs in the USA. .but now i am back to Nigeria.
.and obviously as a young nice looking dude am back into the dating scene. . .
I have gone on tons of dates. . .but the problem is i hesitate to kiss naija girls. . even when they willingly offer their lips and mouths
The reason?. . .I cannot be too sure of their dental hygiene. .
How many of them brush 2wice daily?. . use mouthwash or more importantly how many floss?
Flossing is a big deal for me. . I just cant shake the feeling that that pretty girl has 2 day old meat stuck in her teeth somewhere
Flossing is even more important than brushing. . .when u brush and floss daily u have good breath for 24hrs
I have actually had to introduce flossing to one chick that spent 3days with me. .
however after showing her how to do it. . . she claimed its tough on her teeth. .
so as expected i couldnt bring myself to kiss her the rest of her stay. .
so ppl. . what should i do?. . what percentage of Naija girls. . floss or use mouthwash anyway?. . .1%. . 10%
seems like on my next date,am going to ask straight up. . do u floss?. . and if not bounce the chick immediately
perhaps i should go look for a repat chick like myself?. .oh well. .

No words. None at all. He has to be a troll, this can't be forrealsies.

Memoirs of a Nobskid VI

2011-05-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

Two straight Nobs related posts.

Well damn.

Nobs is like my muse now. Nobs, if you ever want a biography done, can I do it?

Best book cover. Ever.

Sidenote: I wonder if women play with Noble's chest hair mid coitus.

Wait...you think that's creepy? Don't act like you weren't thinking it either. Stop lying. Anyway, back to our story.

WEEK 47

I was totally confused and didn’t know what to do but then, did you expect me to pack condoms to a family function?

Err...yes. You're Noble Igwe. Cassanova extraordinaire. Plenty women want to make sex with you

I looked over at Queen, she had pulled up her dress and all I could see behind her full ‘tomato-Jos‘ body was a pink thong

"Tomato-jos"? Que? Somebody care to explain?

Queen: We don’t have time
Nobs: Erm I couldn’t find any condoms
Queen: And we’ve been apart for too long to trust each other.
Nobs: I’ve been good
Queen: common shut up you little big-headed slut. I read your diary on your site.

Oh. She went there.

Yeah, she went there.

Queen : No one is getting a free pass on this. I’m so turned on too.
Nobs : So now, you are going P square on me?
Queen: How ?
Nobs: Do me, I do you.

No, Noble. This is poor, even from you. "Do me, I do you"? No bueno.

Queen: Hey Nobs
Nobs: Hey Queen. What’s up?
Queen: Nobs, I got talking with Amara and I also did some serious thinking. I suggest that we forget about hooking up tonight. I really think we got carried away earlier today. If we are ever going to come back together, I want something serious. We made a lot of mistakes but we can correct them as adults.
Nobs: I’m so sorry if you think I tried taking advantage of you earlier today. I guess I still have feelings for you. I do want a relationship too but I want it to be right and not close to what we had in the past.

This Amara dude is a standard bastard. Or maybe it wasn't Amara. The other day, my buddy told that if you masturbated before you saw an ex, you think clearly. Maybe Queen masturbated. Maybe Amara is the name of her rabbit. Maybe.

Saturday May 14,2011.
5.00pm
I woke tired and craving popcorn from the Galleria, so I decided to go get some. On my way back I got a call from Kim
Kim : Two of my girlfriends are in town and we are having fun with the boys.
Nobs: Nice

I see where this is going.

Kim : This is my friend, Joy and she wants to meet you.

Aha! I was right.

This is Joy,

I wish people introduced themselves to me with tidday pictures. But why no face tho? These heaux! Don't fall for it, Nobs. All na scamz.

Kim : How would like being in the company of 3 naked girls?

This Kim babe obviously runs a brothel. Not like I'm judging or anything. My name is not Judy.

I was excited and scared at the same time. I’ve never been with 3 chics but I wasn’t sure if they would have a camera planted.

Noble sextape? No, ma'am. I don't think I want to watch Oliver De Coque Lite have sex with women. Wait. What am I saying? My shameless ass would probably watch it.

Kim : come let me show you how much of you that I have missed.
Kim grabbed me and started kissing me, then one after the other she took off every piece of clothing on me. I didn’t try to stop her but I was also looking behind to make sure that Jenny wasn’t pointing her phone at us. Kim went on her knees and put me in her mouth.

Mills & Boon swag. Tales by Moonlight flow.

(*Note: I'm mad Noble doesn't refer to his penis as his "member").

It was bliss and when I thought I had seen it all, Kim said

Kim : Jenny, come and assist me with the balls.

Jenny : Kim,you know that I have not asked you for anything?
Kim : What do you want?
Jenny : Will you let him take me?
Kim : Not tonight
Jenny; Not just tonight? why?
Kim : maybe tomorrow
Jenny : Are we all hooking up tomorrow?
Kim ; Nobs?
Nobs : We can decide all that later.

Do women beg to be "taken" by you? No? Reason #12348938 why Noble > you.

Jenny’s phone rang. She picked it and that was when Kim suggested that we should take it to the balcony. She got a condom,slipped it on me and just as she was to guide it in,the unexpected happened ……

#ThePreEjaculationStruggle.

The Twitter Artist

2011-05-15T06:57:00.000-07:00

So Noble put up this post on his website about twitter artists. I didn't read the post. I only read Noble's memoirs because Noble's writing in his memoirs are unfuckwitable. As usual, I went straight to the comment section and check out the wisdom hiding there but what I found shocked me.

People were making fun of Noble.

Mba nu! I don't share. You can make fun of Majela and the rest, but not Noble, the Igwe. The only person allowed to make fun of Noble is myself. The rest of you an like to chill small. Even the other writer's in this blog aren't allowed to make fun of Noble. Stop it right now!

Look at this imbecile! What talent do you have? With your non-punctuating ass!

Is this one trying to imply that Noble's memoirs are fictional? Haters to Noble's left. Haters to Noble's right. Haters everywia!

This guy really went there. How is this guy allowed to call Noble a "dimwit"? What in the fuck is "bou"?

What does being "bi-racial" have to do with anything? I don't know why people like to hate on mixed kids like us. We did no wrong. Yes, I'm mixed. I'm Bini and Igbo. #SWAG

Noble is a "bloddy local fool"? This sounds like a personal problem.

On a side note, people that spell "but" as "buh" have no friends.

I digress.

Speaking of twitter artists though, if you actually like that Tunde Ednut song....

I can't think of any curse to send. Just go away, please.

I'd Like You To Meet...

2011-05-12T00:39:00.000-07:00

....Lisa

Memoirs of a Nobskid V

2011-05-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

What is this?

Nobs updated the memoirs? (Thanks, @somakudi for the heads up)

The last time we were here, I was willing to bet $50 that Nobs proposed to Ada.

My offer still stands.

Kim: I had a really good time at yours, how do I say “Thank you”
Nobs: Saying “Thank you” would be enough
Kim: I want to say a “Thank you” you’ll always remember.
Nobs; So what do we do?
Kim: Can you drive while I mouth-ride you?
Nobs: Wow. All the way to Ikoyi?
Kim: If you can hold it, why not?
Nobs: This must be an interesting “Thank you”

Woah! Woah! Wozzalldis? Who is Kim? What happened to Ada?

...she undid my fly and slipped in her hand. She kept her hands in and few minutes to the toll, she brought it out and lowered her head.

Noble in rare form. Mills & Boon form.

It took the honking from the car behind to bring me back to reality. I didn’t want to get involved in an accident so I begged Kim to chill a bit.

I agree with Noble, road head is distracting. I got it once when I driving to Houston some time ago. Kept air high-fiving other drivers on the highway. Apart from this one old lady that gave me this weird stare. She was a hater so it doesn't matter.

I digress.

With the car parked meters away from her gate, she finished what she started and as HEAD girl Teamswallow, it was a nice Thank You.

Spitters are quitters. The gospel according to Noble, the Igwe.

I drove home with different images of KIM on my mind and at some point; I toyed with the idea of stealing her from her boyfriend.

You go fear bad goiz. Have you seen Source Code? You how there are a bunch of alternate universes? I bet I'm like Noble in some other alternate universe. This fact alone consoles me. I might not be blocking babes in this universe but in some other universe, the "HEADgirl Teamswallow" is telling me "thank you" in my car.

Last week, some people were pissed that kim is in a relationship and is having an affair with me.

Wait! There were memoirs last week? I've obviously been slacking. I'll have ton interrupt this week's memoirs so we can see the origins of this Kim gist. The rest of week 46 is boring anyway.

Nobs: Hey cute boobs
Kim: Hey Hob Nobs
Nobs: The candy special?
Kim: What? I don’t get it
Nobs: I meant, “Hob Nobs candy special” you can’t eat it, but you can suck on it.
Kim: You are such a spoilt child.
Nobs: And I can do things to you
Kim: like?
Nobs: Like if you can come to the De marquee, I can show you in the car park.

Nobs: I’m holding things down with my hands.
Kim: Nobs, you are getting me wet. Stop already.
Nobs: Babe, I’m hard and my hardness is like a Christmas ticket to Nigeria

11:55pm
Kim: Hey Nobs, are you awake?
Nobs: erm yes, is everything okay?
Kim : I need you to work me through. He’s done and asleep

He = Kim's boyfriend

Nobs: I don’t get ?
Kim: He left me hanging as usual so I’m in the bathroom to take care of me.
Nobs: Pele. Anything for you but if only you had come, we won’t be going having this sort of conversation.

Nobs' sex game is obviously > the average man. They don't call him "Noble, the Igwe" for nothing.

So I called and we were able to make her cum. I know think that many women go through the same thing but I think it’s totally wrong for any man to leave a woman hanging and not even bother to help her in a any way.

Always a gentleman. Noble even thinks "Ladies first" in bed. Noble is obviously a better man than I am. I probably would have rolled over and started watching ESPN. #shrug

We finally got to mine
Kim; have you got my wine and chocolate?
Nobs: let me get em
I got the wine and chocolate. Poured some into her glass and then asked her to take off her dress.

I won't lie, the first thing that came to my wind was "alomo and chocomilo".

She undressed slowly and was left with only her panties and bra. She bent towards me to get her drink, putting the huge boobs in my direction.

I let her sip some wine, dropped the glass and then I pushed her up against the wall with her back to me.

I asked her not to look back and I picked a cube of ice from the ice bucket, dipped it in wine and used it on her nipples. I could tell she liked it because she tilted her head backwards and kept moaning in small tones.

I moved the ice from her nipples, through her back, down to her thighs and legs leaving a trace of water with my movement.

I went back to retrace the line with my tongue with one hand working her right nipple.

I then gently put her on the bed, dipped a chocolate bar in wine and gave her to eat but as soon as she took a bite, I covered her lips with mine.

Chocolate+exchange of saliva+fingers running through her body= bliss

With every piece of clothing off, I compensated her for all the things that she missed.

It was a night of 4th mainland bridge.

This the email address for Mills & Boon HR - careers@hqnuk.co.uk
Let's get this man where he needs to be.
Noble traces lines with his tongue. No ruler or anything. With his tongue only! People, you don't seem to understand the greatness that is Noble, the Igwe.

Indomie

2011-05-08T21:07:00.000-07:00

I'm graduating in a bit + the others are slackers = No updates.

Found this on my facebook feed. ROFLCOPTER!

Suffered for 40 days, I gave up Indomie for lent

I'm Done Here...

2011-04-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

Someone sent this on twitter.

O rly?

Can someone please beg Noble to put out this week's memoirs?

UPDATE: Have this too

Sad

2011-04-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

I blame the "Northern Bloc" not "Northerners".

If I See "Boss" One More Time...

2011-04-21T00:17:00.001-07:00

If I see "boss" one more time, I'll kick a puppy.

Memoirs of a Nobskid IV

2011-04-19T07:53:00.000-07:00

Last time we were here, our hero, Noble, came home with Shirls only to find Ada in his bed. I wonder Shirls and Ada agreed to a threesome. I mean, Ada would do anything for Noble and Shirls is...well, she did say she was his anniversary present.

Memoirs of a Nobskid 43

But before we even start anything, Noble would like to share a couple of words with you.

Each time people die, we always go back to dialogue to solve these issues; Why can’t we just start with dialogue? I mean “DIALOGUE first, before resorting to VIOLENCE” …actually “DIALOGUE first, second, third … DIALOGUE always, never resort to VIOLENCE”
Love is all we need! Love is all the world needs!

All you need is love!

Mushy moment over. Back to Nobs.

Biola wants to know why I don’t think she fits the role of being my wife. She’s of the opinion that she should be given the opportunity to prove herself.

Prove herself? Na JAMB she dey write? Who is this Biola character? I'm too lazy to go back and find out about her. I only care about Ada. What happened to Ada on Noble's bed anyway? This is a flashback? Oh.

There I was bewildered with no idea of how I got myself into this situation.

I can help. Uncle, me! Uncle, me! You went to Marquee looking for company and Shirls showed up promising to be your anniversary. I wonder why Shirls didn't say "appetizer". Then I could have put this 9ice song in here and it would have a been funnier.

I had not seen Shirls in a long time and her anger wasn’t helping matters because her boobs kept moving up and down with her breathing.

What matters here isn't that Shirls has come home to find another woman in Noble's bed. No, that's completely irrelevant. What's important is that Shirls' anger is causing her boobs to move up and down. For a man turned on my the simple things, this could be a problem.

Shirls: So who’s that?
Nobs: I can explain Shirls

No, you can't explain.

Nobs: It’s not what you think

I told you! That's no explanation.

Shirls: Truthfully I don’t think anything. You know what? Maybe I should just go home because this is entirely my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten myself into this mess. Why did you bring me home when you knew you left another babe in your house?

Yes, you got yourself in this mess. You tried to be his anniversary. If you tried to be his appetizer, then we wouldn't be having this problem.

Nobs : Just let me explain. Calm down

Sigh. Are we doing this again? You. Can't. Explain. Women don't listen.

Shirls : Don’t tell me to calm down. Come and take me home.

....and I'm right again!

I hate drama and I was not about to provide my neighbours with any kind of entertainment.

TROLOLOLOLOLOLOL

So I lied... I’m so sorry for lying but I did it for the greater good.

Our hero is always so noble. *sheds tear*

Shirls : Who the fuck is she?
Nobs : She’s my sister’s friend

Is anyone keeping score at home? We might to track how many times Ada takes a "L" for research purposes.

Can I be truthful for a bit? If Ada was single, maybe I would have gone with the idea of putting Shirls up in a hotel and leaving Ada at mine. That way I can jog between my house and the hotel just to experience what polygamous men experience.

Bad goiz!

Ada was on the bed only in her pink nightgown with the duvet slightly covering the lower part of her body. I (and my prisoner behind the restraining zipper) stood there for more 2 minutes just staring at her body and trying to convince myself that not making any moves on her will do me more good than harm.

She dey make 'im soja salute

I shook her slightly while calling her name softly.

M&B Nobs is back to play, I see.

Ada has been nice to me and she’s everything anyone will want in a wife.

I had no intention of taking her away from her husband but you will agree with me that it’s not really that easy.

That last line reminded me of that Usher song, "If I Want To". I can't be the only one that thought about it. If I want to, I can take you from your man. SWEGGGGZZZZ!!!!!

Ada: I’ll leave your room but just know that I’ll never ever talk to you in my life again. I will leave your house and I’ll never come back. You don’t even need to come for my wedding.

Ada. Haf. Vex.

I tried everything to get some all through the night but Shirls wouldn’t give me any.

Shirls didn't give anything? After everything? THAT HOEBAG!!!!

Saturday April 1, 2011.
7:56am
I heard a knock on the door, stood up and there was Ada in short shorts (?) and tank top.

This won't end well.

As I shut the door, Shirls who had a feeling she was still there waiting, immediately took advantage of it; got undressed and pulled me back to bed.

I knew it!

Just one touch and she started moaning.

As an original bad goiz!

She was moaning so loud that I felt embarrassed because I knew my sister and the entire house could hear her.

Noble's sex game is obviously on point. Deeeeks are not the sameee. Deeeeks are not the sameee as before (Yes, I sang that to Naeto's 10/10. Judge me)

Work done, I was ready to go talk with Ada.

I swear Noble says the most "bad-guy" things. Ever. Who says "Work done" after brapping? Who?

I thought the night was drama but I was wrong...I was confused and I did the first thing that came to my mind…

I'm willing you bet you $50 and my left nut that Nobs proposed. That's how they do it in all those obodo oyibo romantic feem.

What do you think Nobs did?

You Slapped Me?

2011-04-17T20:40:00.001-07:00

*rolling in the gutter*

rolling

2011-04-14T14:06:00.001-07:00

Memoirs of a Nobskid III

2011-04-12T07:22:00.000-07:00

This week’s memoirs are late and you know who’s to blame? Nobs. This is very irresponsible, Nobs. Just apologize…

I hate posting Memoirs of a SLU…shhkid late. It hurts me because I feel like we are in some sort of a relationship and I’m cheating on you. I’m so sorry. I have been busy working with Waje and MI on Waje’s album.

Good. Now that’s out of the way, let’s get to Nobs’ wisdom of the day.

So here’s the thing, I know some of you came here to get the list of the ‘used and approved’ locations where you can have car sex in Lagos.

Oooooh…we are talking about car sex this week. SWEET!

Before we go any further, I’ll like to state that I would not like to be judged for this list because I am making it public at no cost.

No, Nobs, you shan’t be judged. We promise.
Are there any rules to car sex?

• Turn on the car and AC (possibly to full blast) and face the AC vents to the windows and sit in the car for 15 minutes talking. The AC should create a mist-like effect on the window, which makes visibility from the outside next to impossible.

Nobody want’s to knack inside a pajero with no AC. No bueno.

• Since you will need the engine on, use a jacket or any thick material to cover the light from the radio set or the dashboard. This will make the inside of the car dark.

WORD!

• For easy and stress-less car sex, the reverse cowgirl is advised.

But, we need locations, Nobs

• The City mall
• The Mega Plaza car park
• The Green GardenThe Palms
• Beside First Bank Lekki Phase 1

Thanks, Nobs! Now where were we with Ada?

I felt I didn’t really treat her well and I wouldn’t want her to travel with the notion that I disliked her when in the real sense I thought what I did was for our own good.

Our very noble Noble. Always looking out for the interests of his women. But you have to call her

Ada: Hello
Nobs: Ada, I’m sorry
Ada: Buzor, biko hapu’m aka
Nobs: Ada, it is not what you think. I did what I did for us.
Ada: I just know that I am not your type and that is what this is all about.
Ada, you’re wrong. Noble really wanted you but like those Amerix feems, he couldn’t tell you how he really felt.
Ada: Buzor, you knew me when I was single and still didn’t agree to date me.

Oh. My bad.

Just as I was about to enter my office I overheard my colleague telling another that she would break up with the boyfriend over “going soft during action”…She said “It was the first round and just in the middle of action, he went soft and couldn’t make it stand again”. “We tried all night and it wouldn’t get up”.
Please people, is that enough to break up a new relationship?

People, answer the man. Is that enough to break a relationship? I have this buddy of mine. His girlfriend at the time was giving him a blowjob. Other guys would have panicked and blamed the weather, but not my buddy. He straight up told her, “you suck at this, let’s watch TV”. Homegirl bawled her eyes out.

I digress.

So I twitted that I was driving to De Marquee to celebrate alone and someone promised me a blind date via twitter DM. I got to the bar, waited and waited but nobody turned up.

Wait, you were being serious?

Since I didn’t go out with my boys I decided to go home early and that was when she showed up…

Who could it beeeeee?

It was my Shirls looking all pretty and things

Shirls? What kind of dirty name is that? Shirls for Shirley? Nigerian girls need to respect themselves abeg. Which one is Shirls?

Shirls : You are an ashewo. So you sha came for this date
Nobs : I only came here because I wanted to hang out and not because of any stupid blind date.

Nobs does what he wants, heaux! He isn’t here for a date. Ok, he is but that’s irrelevant and we aren’t letting little facts get in the way.

Shirls : So do you still want to stay?
Nobs : Let’s go or are you going home?
Shirls : I’m your anniversary present

We drove home and immediately Obinna opened the door he said
Obinna : Nobs, can I see you? ….It’s very important

I wonder what could be so important that dumbass Obinna couldn’t save for later. Nobs is about to knack Shirls apako and Obinna is pouring sand inside the garri.

I opened my room and there was Ada lying down on my bed.

Oh.
Ok, that’s kinda important.

Shirls: Nobs, We need to talk now. What sort of embarrassment is this?

Shirls, mechionu gi! Is it not in De Marquee that Nobs picked you up? Heaux of nowadays, having liver and whatnot. Such arrant nonsense!

Back to Ada on the bed. Is Ada here for braps? You. Go. Fear. Konji. Tho.

iPad: The Presidential Prerequisite

2011-04-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

So Dele Momodu's campaign manager put this up on twitter.

Since it's by iPad that they are electing president, I'd like to throw my own hat in the ring.

If you have an iPod or iPhone, you can run for senator. If you have a Zune? NORRIN FOR YOU!

Young Successful What?

2011-04-08T04:10:00.000-07:00

When I was in JSS1, all the cool kids were in cliques. They had fancy names like Da Galz, BEGMK, Assorted Babes, but the coolest of them all was Westlife. Yes, named after these guys.

In my eyes, Westlife kids were cooler than the other side of the pillow. I remember eating my beans, which was all I was allowed to eat in JSS1, and daydreaming about how I’d be like the youngest member. They’d have a special initiation and everything. I’d finally be able to eat my Saturday chicken too. The other day I was thinking about it though. Was the “hardest” crew really named after an Irish boy band? Did they really shave their eyebrows?

This kinda sorta brings me to my point of the day. Linda Ikeji put up some thing about that Big Brother dude, Uti, forming a clique with a bunch of hombres. Grown ass men forming cliques…and they aren’t even rappers. How come no one told me posing has become institutionalized? I would have formed my own crew since, Pop Bottles With Rent Money Boyz (PBWRMB).

Which brings me to their name - Young, Successful Bachelors (YSB). Sounds like one of those Saturday morning clubs we had in LJC. Young Farmers Club, Philatelia and co.

Dear Uti,
Emeka wants to know

(via)

PS: Why do Nigerian rappers wear leather jackets to perform? Actually, just M.I. I had no other place to put this JAMB question so....yeah.

Is That So?

2011-04-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

seeeeeeen!!!!

But...bruv...

Memoirs of a Nobskid II

2011-04-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

It’s Monday and Nobs has put out this week’s edition of his memoirs. OMG! OMG! OMG!

Memoirs of a Nobskid 41

As if I didn’t have enough to deal with, a certain someone suggested going down on a lady to make the flu go away; I have not tried it yet at the point of writing this, but I cannot assure you that I will not consider it afterwards; if I can get a volunteer here that is.

Wait…what?

Is nagging accepted in a court of law as a basis for seeking divorce? I mean how can a man go to work, spend the whole day thinking about ideas that will improve sales and on getting home, the first thing you hear is “Where are you coming from?” and no, “the office” is never an expected answer.
I think some men go to ‘recreation’ clubs after work not because they are interested in any game but because it provides them with a “waiting area” so that when they get home, their wives would be asleep.

Wise words from the great Nobs again. Nobs > Pete Edochie > Plato > Rev Run

She was wearing a short dress revealing enough cleavage to make a man want to sell his entire village.

I don’t blame Nobs. Cleavage > Raw breast. In JSS1, I gave out my puff-puff for cleavage. Ok, I lie, but I thought about it.

She was about to become someone’s wife and I had the opportunity of being her first. I’m really not a huge fan of being someone’s first but maybe sleeping with Ada will teach Iyke a bitter lesson.

I thought he didn’t want to settle with her. Ok, I cheated a bit. I glanced at couple of the previous installments before to understand this whole Noble-Ada thing. Ada is a naïve villager and Noble is fond of her but he doesn’t want a future with her. Or something like that. There was a lot empty gist so I couldn’t focus but…

She sat down on the bed and from the angle she was sitting I could see her panties and I liked it. There’s something about seeing a lil bit of a chic’s panties. It’s not a crime; it’s just a hobby.

Noble is such a classy man. Turned on by the little things. I wish I was like Noble.

Ada: I missed you
Nobs: No, you didn’t. How’s your husband?
Ada: He’s fine but that’s not why I’m here.
Nobs: Well, I have to ask about him
Ada: Tell me, are you going to come for my wedding?
Nobs: At this moment, I’m still thinking about it.
Ada: Buzor, this is so wrong to say but I still think I’m about to get married to the wrong man because my heart belongs to you and you alone. I may regret all these tomorrow but right now all I want to do is sleep beside you.

SEEEEEEEEN!!!!!

I just wanted to stop her from saying more with my mouth.

You. Go. Fear. Bad. Goiz.

She then started to cry; I couldn’t watch her cry without doing anything. So I moved to hold her. I held her close to my chest. She smelt so nice. I could tell she only just had her bath. She turned and her lips met mine. That was it

If this whole memoir thing doesn’t work out, Noble can always write for Mills & Boon. I’m willing to bet $5 that uses “member” to describe his penis.

It was obvious that I was hugely turned on and when my hands grabbed her boobs, I quickly moved my hands to unzip her dress. She was wearing no bra and she stood up to take off the dress.

Does anyone know who runs that M&B publishing house? They NEED this man.

Ada: Buzor, make me a woman.
Nobs: Ada, it’s not that simple but
She placed her finger on my lips to stop me from talking

“Make me a woman”??? *rolling*

Nobs: Ada, we have to stop now. We can’t do this. You will bring shame to your family and your mother will never forgive me.
Ada: Buzor, don’t break my heart.
Nobs: Ada, we just have to stop.
Ada: So are you asking me to dress up?
Nobs: Yes, please

Awwwww…Noble is so noble (see what I did there? *high five*)

This was very emotional for me and maybe we are really meant for each other.
It’s about 2 weeks to her wedding and I can make her stop now, what do you think?

Hurry! We need to help Nobs. What shall he ever do? He can’t let her marry another man. This is like one of those American romantic feems. I’m so excited!!!!!!

Disclaimer: This is all for trips. Nobs is probably a great guy and these stories are probably true. I just like making fun of things.

GUEST BLOG: The Future Is Not A Timezone Or Destination.

2011-04-04T10:50:00.000-07:00

We have our first guest blog. Whoooo!!! It's from Boluwatife Akinyemi

-----------
I want you all to watch this video before reading what I have to say.

For someone who has spent the better part of my childhood and adulthood in the diaspora, Nigeria weighs so heavy on my heart. No one believes in the future of Nigeria more than I do. I have dedicated the better part of my education to the political development of Nigeria. I am going into ridiculous amounts of debt to get better my future which in turn is Nigerias future. I was at a party last night and someone asked me, well now that you are an American citizen do you still consider yourself a Nigerian? Without hesitation, I responded hell yes! My citizenship now belongs to the United States of America, but my nationality, my heart, and my soul belongs to Nigeria. I identify with my nation (my people, my culture and our struggles) no matter what state gives me the licence to cross international borders.

Nigeria's elections are this month, and the election process has been marred with one issue or the other, most recently the postponement of the elections. INEC (Nigeria's election commission) has dedicated so much money and resources to the process, infact this is the most expensive election Nigeria has ever held -being that this is Nigerias third election this isn't really saying much- but nevertheless, I commend Nigeria's civil society for taking much responsibility for this election. I have never seen so many youths, and local organizations be involved and be so enthusiastic about the future of this nation.

It saddens me however, that the vigor and quickness with which we believe in Nigeria, so quickly we can lose that hope and lose faith. Don't get me wrong, I know it's easy for me as someone who lives in the diaspora to talk the way I do, because I dont live in Nigeria and I dont live with the daily frustration. But you must remember I lived in the country a few years ago and no matter how long I have been out of my father's land, I forever remain a Nigerian. The saying goes, "Rome was not built in a day", so Nigeria and the future we want to see cannot be built in a day, or even during one presidential election. Even if this election goes smoothly without any rigging and is declared free and fair and there are no more casualties from today onward. The issues that plague Nigeria will still be evident, there will stil be massive corruption, traffic will still be hellacious, we still won't have constant electricity yet THIS DOES NOT DIMINISH OUR SUCCESS. The work that needs to be done in our nation requires decades of effort and dedication, it requires that many of us become involved in the political process, both directly and indirectly.

This post is for all the Nigerians who have watched the elections, who are crying out on twitter, facebook, blogger, tumblr, etc, this is just the beginning. I commend you and thank you for being a part of my future, for showing me that there are still people who believe in Nigerias potential, that there are people who know what is right from wrong. I promise you that your efforts have not gone unnoticed! As TY's video said the future is not a timezone yet to come, the future is everything we are meant to be but are yet to become. The future is us, the future is now!

I urge you to stay strong, I urge you not to lose hope. If we continue and if we hold our leaders accountable, not only that they take their positions responsibly and remain loyal to the Nigerian people, but we ask and fight for reputable and stable state institutions, Nigeria will be a force to be reckoned with. The giant of Africa has not fallen, we are a strong mighty nation, a people who fight for what they believe in. Lets shy away from apathy and take up arms (not literally) but arm yourselves with your votes and understand that in a fragile democracy like Nigeria, your vote absolutely matters.

The political development of Nigeria is my heart, my soul, my dedication and my passion! All I ask is that you find a way to bring yours and my future to fruition. Lets bring about a Nigeria that our parents never saw but fought for, for us. I grew up in a political household, my father taught me from a very young age the importance of my political voice. I always knew I would be a game changer, I always knew I was born to make a difference in my country, and now, I know just how I am supposed to do that.

I have never written a more emotional post, and I hope you are able to find some sort of encouragement in this post.

Merry Monday!!!

2011-04-04T07:01:00.000-07:00

Slot tho? Gats insert coin then.

Emeka has something to say about this.

Memoirs of a Nobskid

2011-04-03T01:31:00.000-07:00

I’ve been hearing about this “Memoirs of a SLU…SHHKID” for a while now. Heard it was about some Nigerian guy talking about how he "blocks" babes in Lagos. A Nigerian Tucker Max, pretty much. Never really given it a read. Well, it’s 3 am on Sunday and I just woke up, I might as well give it a read and blog about it. Actually met the Nobs dude over Christmas. By “meet”, I mean I saw him outside the elevator at De Marquee and my buddy screamed, “That’s Nobs!” However, let’s not let minor technicalities get in the way.

Our Oliver De Coque looking Lothario

*Note: I’m reading this with no context at all. It’s the “WK 40” one. I’m guessing there’s already a running theme/story here, so forgive me if I’m ignorant.

Ok, the “WK 40” was meh. Going to the give the previous week a read.

So different things went through my mind while checking out the boobies from the gap between the buttons of her shirt. As an expert in the boobs department, I knew that if pressed together, those boobies can make one come.

X_______X

“…can make one come”???

I saw babes who were so happy with their potbellies and didn’t care if drinking big stout straight from the bottle was regarded as being razz.

Any babe that drinks stout in public is an ashewo. You. Can’t. Tell. Me. Nothing.

At that point, all I wanted to do was go outside, get into my cab and go back to the hotel. I just finished ordering drinks almost 30k only for her to say to say that she’s on. Who does that? That’s fraudulent and shouldn’t be encouraged. Why can’t chics say things like
“Please before you buy me anything, I’m on my period and may not be able to do anything with you“? That way you’ll make up your mind if you still want to go ahead with the spending.

These hoes! Never trust these hoes! On a random note, I was thinking about it the other day, an “mgbeke” is pretty much the Nigerian equivalent of a “ratchet”. I’m being serious here. Think about it. Both are ridiculously tacky. The shit weaves and whatchamacallit. My brain fails me but it’s the thing were you glue a wig on or something like that, my ex-girlfriend clued me in. Also, while ratchets kpox for Red Lobster biscuits, mgbekes kpox for Mr. Biggs meatpie. I’m not mad at their hustle, Mr. Biggs meatpie tastes like unicorn bacon. I'd totally work Adeyemo Alakija for a Mr. Biggs meatpie. I'm shameless like that.

I digress. Back to Nobs.

Nobs : Yes, I’ll do just that, can you come to my hotel to help me pack.
Ejiro : I still dey clean house. It’s a staurday na.
Nobs: Ok . I hope you are fine tho
Ejiro : Yes but I don’t have credit. Can you send me small MTN like 750.
Nobs: I’ll do that. Speak later.

Hahahahhahahah. Despite not giving our homeboy anything, Ejiro has the testicular temerity to ask for MTN credit. I totally feel Nobs’ pain.

Have I said anything mean about Nobs yet? Nope. Damn, I was actually hoping to read the whole thing and trash it like I do to most things. Oh well, there’s always next week.

(via Memoirs of a Nobskid 39)

ThisDAY Fail

2011-04-03T00:32:00.000-07:00

Sandra "Bollock" tho???

Dear ThisDAY,

You Searched For Wut???

2011-03-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

People search for the most random things. I have no words for any of these. Absolutely none. Some people need to fear Jesus small.

LOL Generation? Huh?

2011-03-28T08:59:00.000-07:00

x________x

This would be better if he said, "Soon, 9ja yth wud LOL. Onli 1 prez undastnds yhur language"

(via NigeriansForNigeria)

Siji Wants You to "Ijo"

2011-03-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

You know, up until I saw this video, I thought I was a good dancer. But mehn, these people Break. It. Down. I am going to use this video as a textbook for dance until so that I'm not embarrassed when I go back to Nigeria this summer. I musto know de latest mofs.

SIJI - 'Ijo'(Official Video) from SIJI on Vimeo.

The song is a departure for Siji's usual mellow, acoustic soul sound - it's uptempo, funky and electro, almost like a fuji-house mashup. I've recently become a dance music head, so I'm definitely feeling it. One thing I love about Nigerian music is the simplistic approach that they take to production: you don't need to have a packed soundscape or throw in a crapton of effects and instruments - sometimes the music just needs breathing space so that it really get down.

(via MTV Iggy)

Music From The Diaspora

2011-03-25T01:23:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, it's me again. Sorry for not posting for so long - I've been on a decidedly non-Nigerian music binge and thus haven't found anything particularly interesting for you. However, once again thanks to the people at the MTV Iggy Blog (I'd specifically like to thank Beverly, who posts a lot of African music) I have some music for you all.

More and more Nigerians are getting into music these days, both at home and abroad. It used to be you could count on one hand the number of popular artists out there. Now I can barely keep track. Too bad it's mostly hip-hop and R&aB, with scatterings of indie music here and there - I would love to see what kind of music a Nigerian rock band could come up with. Anyway, I've stumbled upon a few Nigerians making music in obodo oyibo who are worth checking out:

1. The GTW

His name stands for "Greater Than Wealth" - which is totally a motto meant to be painted onto the back of a molue. Proof, in my opinion, that he's a true Nigerian. Hailing from Chicago, he recently dropped a mixtape and a couple of videos. I get a slightly Wale-before-he-got-famous type vibe from him, which is a good thing - he's not yet been changed by popularity, and still feels like he's coming from a genuine place. Here's the video for his song, "Blow Me Away" which has a great instrumental that combines a Nigerian beat with a nice neo-soul ambiance - best of both worlds for sure. The mixtape itself is a mix of new and old school sounds with some great raps and a bit of social commentary thrown in. Something for everyone, so make sure to check it out.

2. Chris Akinyemi
Aww, he's such a cutie. Here's New Jersey based singer-songwriter Chris Akinyemi's track "Radio", a song that criticizes the state of the music industry. It's also refreshing to see a different sound coming out of the diaspora - a little more pop-oriented than most Nigerian artists, but still with hip-hop and R&B influences. One for the teenagers, for sure:

Chris Akinyemi - "Radio" OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO from Jackpot in the West Productions on Vimeo.

3. KEX

Okay, so about four years ago Nosa and I stumbled across a project group called ASHTHOMAS which was a collaboration between some producers and rappers. We still talk about their album, the ASHTHOMAS Project Vol. 2: The Ascension. At the time, their sound was fresh, they had potential, they were going to change the game. But then, they all but disappeared. So when one of the rappers, KEX popped up again, I was on it immediately. He's currently based in the UK, making a quiet return to the scene with "In My Dreams", thoughtful and skillfully done, with a pretty compelling video. Trust me - Nigerian music needs this dude back on the scene - so show him some love so that he can get a Twitter or something and we can keep up with him. And so Nosa and I can stop talking about their old album and start talking about a new one - fingers crossed! (video via Last Plane to Lagos)

ChiGul on "What About Us?"

2011-03-24T05:29:00.000-07:00

Don't be a weist!

Jailed For Facebook Update? Teek Tho!

2011-03-24T00:13:00.000-07:00

Mukhtar Ibrahim Aminu was chilling with his cattle one day when heard his governor was supporting Jonathan. So what did he do? He whipped out his blackbooory (word to Apollonia) and sent out a quick facebook update.

O Allah disgrace Sule Lamido and the rest of his cursed friends. O Allah curse Sule Lamido and the rest of his cursed friends

Harmless facebook update. I've probably said worse too. Ten days later, Mukhtar was arrested and sent to the Nigerian police HQ in Abuja where a judge says he must be placed in jail. Here's where it gets interesting. Mukhtar's dad is a politician that just switched to an opposition party. Clearly, Mukhtar's arrest was politically motivated but, at the risk of sounding naive, doesn't the kid have freedom of speech?

Sule Lamido, you get a Tonto side-eye for this.

Article

Nollywood Gifs

2011-03-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

Best. Tumblr. EVAR.

AfroCandy Wants Us to Vote Goodluck

2011-03-22T21:55:00.001-07:00

Her message

Guys, watch this video, AfroCandy shows a little support to our president Goodluck Ebele Jonathan. Written, composed and directed by AfroCandy. That's how to show love to your beloved country.

Yo! Afro, have a seat \____

Ladies & Gentlemen, I Present...

2011-03-19T13:49:00.000-07:00

...the Tonto side-eye

Tonto Lite

Merry Saturday

2011-03-18T22:06:00.000-07:00

#BlackberryBabes Twitter Watch Party

2011-03-16T12:27:00.000-07:00

So #NigerianPeopleTwitter is having "Blackberry Babes" twitter watch party. Get on it, bruv

Join the funnay and tag tweets with #BlackberryBabes

EDIT: The embed isn't working apparently. Direct link. I really should get an award for my contributions to Nigerian Online Foolery. Jussayin'

EDIT 2: The uploader set it to private on youtube too. Sad day in Lagos. Very sad day.

Damn Western Culture

2011-03-13T09:23:00.000-07:00

Only God can deliver us from attention seeking girls. There were never any attention seeking whores before this Westerners came.

Sun Girls Are Models Now?

2011-03-13T03:24:00.000-07:00

As usual, I couldn't tuck my amebo in on twitter. Someone dropped a link to this blog on my TL. The "About Me" section is interesting to say the least. (She's on twitter too)

Am 5:10ft runway and photography model,i can b d gurl next door the next minute, d star of d runway & the red carpet,wit great sense of humor as a promising model i lik doing runway jobs strictly 4 top fashion designers in ma state (like DaCoVa, MIA, Auggie, Tiffiny Amber, Modela, Tones Africana, House of Nwocha, House of Mifes, Lawiza) modeling for lingerie wears, make overs(Sleek, Victoria Jackson, BOD,) ad i love modelling 4 magazines (Exquisite, Fashion Tips, Youth and Styles, Nigeria Top Models Magz) *smile* i love goin on tour meeting nu pple makin good friends e.g (EME aikpo) ad am very creative, stylish, i love colours, i have a very high esteem mixed wit great pride, i love I'm an angel, I'm a devil, i am sometimes in between; Im as bad as it can get and good as it can be; Sometimes im a million colours, sometimes im black and white........i am all Extreme! try to figure me out, you never can! Im filled wit self belief and haunted by self doubt; I like to be by myself, i hate to be alone.. I Love killing to RUNWAY!!

No words, bruv. Absolutely none.

Don't Be A Weeiiissst!

2011-03-12T04:56:00.000-08:00

A friend sent this to me as a voicenote.

Nigerians won't kill me. Hahaha

Blackberry phone? Eeeez Big Deal!

2011-03-12T04:18:00.000-08:00

But why is bruv bringing her "embarrassment"? Why must she be made to feel ashamed in the presence of her friends? How will Wizkid ping her if she isn't on bb?

What does she mean? Who will "lubb" his back? What is this headache thing she is talking about?

(Sidenote: I flatlined @ "Chukwuemeka namesake")

Her name is Apollonia? Deeeeeaaaaaaddddd. Can't. Do. This. No. Mo'.

Proudly Homophobic?

2011-03-12T03:58:00.000-08:00

When did people start becoming proud of hate? Live and let live. Is it your nyansh that bros is firing?

Eve's Cousin on X-Factor

2011-03-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

Since Eve can't help her cousin score a record deal, I'm guessing she decided to do herself. I don't blame her. Eve's irrelevant ass is probably auditioning for American Idol in Nebraska or some place where no one will recognize her. Honestly though, I don't know why Don Jazzy won't give Majela a shot. We know he's a fan and she can do no worse than D'Prince or that one that sang "Ooze", which by the way is MY jam.

Majela for Mo Hits!!!!!!

PS: Don't get how 2+2 = vagina? See

Long Time No Blog

2011-03-03T06:51:00.000-08:00

Found this in the twitter. Had to share.

It's been a while so I figured I'd add a bonus too

Happy Friday! (Late)

2011-02-12T01:04:00.000-08:00

Chris Okotie Still Running For President

2011-02-08T21:10:00.000-08:00

I totally forgot this guy existed.

Anybody that thinks I have withdrawn from the April 2011 election is a joker. I am surprised you are asking me this question because I keep talking about my presidential ambition. And from Monday Feb 7th, you would hear our campaign jingles. So I am very much in the race

- Okotie to Enconium

I don't know if I admire his resilience or I am saddened by his hopelessness.

Guest Bloggers!

2011-02-01T13:49:00.000-08:00

If you haven't noticed, posts have been pretty sparse these days and they might be for a while since school has creeped up on most of us. This means we are open to guest bloggers. If you have anything special you want to blog about, just shoot an email to stuffnigerianshate[at]gmail[dot]com. You can write about pretty much anything as long as it is Nigerian or making fun of Ghana.

Thanks!

Jesus Be A Translator

2011-01-22T14:52:00.001-08:00

How do you pronounce the middle name abeg?

Nigerian Prostitutes Don't Play

2011-01-19T07:29:00.000-08:00

Nigerian prostitutes are probably the hungriest of Nigerian business folk. If they are not kicking their Ghanaian counterparts out of the market, they exporting themselves to Italy. I remember going to meet a friend at Pattaya this christmas and there was one working the corner. Sounds like normal stuff, right? Yeah, but it was like 4 pm and the sun was still out. That's probably the earliest I've seen a prostitute out. They say ashewo no be work, they lied.

allAfrica put up this story today. In America, it's usually the customers that bang the prostitutes, beat them up, and then steal their money. American prostitutes clearly have nothing on the Nigerian ones. Emeka, Nnamdi, and Cornelius thought they were slick when they didn't bring money to cover their kpoxing session. The men even loaded up on viagra.

Eyewitness said that the prostitutes, in anger, teamed up and dealt them heavy blows, leaving them with deep-cut injuries. They were taken to the hospital in Benin after the intervention of some elders in the area.

Teeeeeek!!!

No kpanching without cashing. Ok, that was cheesy but whatevs.

#Teeeeek

2011-01-17T16:05:00.001-08:00

Bonus:

Thanks Anon

Awww...so cute

2011-01-17T10:35:00.001-08:00

Don't Like Your Kind 'Round Here

2011-01-15T12:58:00.000-08:00

You go fear vex sha.

A Message from the Sarah Jubril Camp

2011-01-14T02:17:00.000-08:00

Before somebody attacks me, I believe Sarah is a very brave woman. She stood up to the political old boys and whatnot. Ok, maybe she didn't do much damage but she still got her name on the voting thing, which is pretty big, I guess. Nigerian women should be proud of her...

...BUT one vote tho?

Has Sarah won anything that has to do with voting? She's been losing the party bid thing since I was born. That takes dedication. Lots and lots of it. On a serious note, when they voted for class prefect in primary 6, did Sarah win? Did Sarah even win the nomination in her house? I pity her driver, he had to wait till the very end. He could have avoided all that traffic if she gave up early.

Sarah won somewhere though. She won my heart and she was trending on twitter. Atiku and Jonathan weren't twitter relevant like that. More grease to her elbow. -__-