The Nigerian Governor's Guide to Handling Rape Cases

I'm pretty sure most you have heard of the ABSU gang rape case. Sugabelly has covered it extensively, you should take a look at her blog and see if there's any way you can help. I don't think Nigerian governors are equipped to handle situations like this so I figured I'd help. It's the least I can do. I mean, they won't let me vote so I have to contribute in some way, don't I?

So, you are sitting at your desk and you get a call from an aide telling you that some girl was violently raped by 5 boys. Actually, scratch that. Nigerian governors don't sit at desks. You're doing something super important, like negotiating a big contract or watching your favorite team on Supersport, and you get a call from one of your aides delivering the horrible news.

What do you do?

What else are you going to to do? Deny it, dummy! Nigerians don't rape people, are you stupid?

The Abia State Government has carried out an investigation on this matter and the truth is that, the alleged video never emanated from the university. The victim and the perpetrators are not students of Abia State University. Those associating ABSU with such barbaric visor should please desist from such. The university is safe for academic activities as known for. Thank you Nnaji Obed Asiegbu S A to the Abia State Governor on E-Governance

Look at that statement. Can't go wrong with that. The people still don't believe you? Blame your political opponents. Call it a "satanic falsehood" and a "tissue* of lies". It's Nigeria, you're successful so you have haters and your haters want to see you fail. It makes sense.  Why won't your haters make up such a despicable story? Bad bele people.

The people are still complaining? You have one trick up your sleeve, my friend. Trust me, it's absolutely genius.

 Get your wife to deny it too. I KNOW!!! My mind is blown too. Make it extra official like this,

The Office of Her Excellency, wishes to make it categorically clear that available report from the leadership of the University said that there was no such inglorious act and ugly incident in the institution.

His Excellency, Chief T. A. Orji, the Executive Governor of Abia State has investigated and still investigating the allegation. However, we appeal that the victim should help by giving a lead to enable government bring perpetrators to book.

Her Excellency has been at the forefront of championing the course of womanhood and promoting the Girl Child Education, Kicking against Child trafficking and Abuse, Teenage Pregnancy and Child Labour, and would therefore stop at nothing to bring the perpetrators to face the long arm of the law if allegation if found to be true even if happened outside the institution.

The report as a matter of necessity, justice and fair play should be substantiated with facts in the interest of our society.

Mrs Mercy Odochi Orji

Wife of the Governor,

Abia State.

mercyodochi@abiastate.gov.ng

And there you have it folks. That's how you handle a rape case if you're a governor. Fantastic, isn't it?

*I bet it's really soft tissue like charmin. 

On Twitter Activism

When I was little, I read something in GQ. I can't remember exactly how it went but it was something along the lines of "a gentleman never argues politics or religion in public". You see, I take all my life advice from GQ. Bless those editors. They make everything so easy. Do you know how many decisions I'd have had to make for myself if GQ didn't exist? A boatload, that's how many.

I digress.

I have a twitter and it's filled with inanities. I like to keep it that way. There are lots of people that follow me that don't know me personally so I feel like they are undeserving of my opinions on sensitive issues. You'll never catch me talking about hot button issues on twitter. Never. It never ends well. Why am I bringing this up? Yesterday, a friend of mine said anyone that would rather talk about "ugwu"* and the like, but not serious issues should unfollow her. I took it a bit personally. I don't like talking about serious things. It looked like a shot at me.

You might disagree with me on this but I don't feel like twitter is an appropriate medium for intellectual discourse. To me, twitter is like one big beer parlor or bar on the internet. Sure, there are one or two serious moments but most of it is all jokes. Oh, speaking of intellectual, yesterday, some guy said anyone not interested in politics is intellectually retarded. My comments on this are for another day's blog.

My problem with twitter activism is that it never really involves any action. People batter their blackberries for 30 mins or so and then go back to living their lives like nothing happened. No effort is made to "act". I'd rather you played internet "police and tiff" with me. Look at Chude Jideonwo (sp?) and Y!Naija. I respect Chude and I think he's a great Nigerian, but his shitrag blog takes time to create fameballs. The one chance social media activists get to be a little more proactive, they spend it interviewing "twitter personalities". I don't know about you, but this makes absolutely no sense to me. None whatsofuckingever.

So yeah, if you're going to fucking do something, please do it. Don't come on twitter and start pulpitting. No one really gives a shit about your politics.


Pardon my French. I got a little annoyed at the end, but you get my point.



*The ugwu thing is some Nigerian Twitter joke.

Well, That's In Poor Taste

-________-

Well, her bio did include a disclaimer

On Humor

I was reading the comments on some blog today and it's amazing how people don't appreciate humor or recognize satire. On this blog, I've called Igbo people computer illiterate a lot of times (yes, I'm breaking character here). Once, I was accused of promoting tribalism. Another time, I said virgin sex was like period sex and some commenter said I make claims like that because no one wants to sleep with me.
It's sad, really. You'd think educated people weren't so stupid. If I make a gross generalization or excessive exaggeration, I'm probably not being serious.

*This was going to be a super long post, then I got tired midway*

ZOMG!!! MAJELA IS BACK!!!

Remember when I said this year was Majela's and no one believed me? Well, I was right.  I said her production was going to improve and she'd wear less clothes. Watch this, please.

LOOK AT GOD!!!

Even her lyrics have in improved. Song structure, hooks, everything.

Le Thirst

Master Jesus didn't die for this level of thirst.

Speed Darlington, Nigerian for "Lil B"

Thank you, Speedy D. You just made my Saturday night.

 

Speed Darlington sounds like an abortion on a fruity loops demo instrumental. What makes this so remarkably awful is the fact that he is actually serious. Don't believe me? Check the comments on the video. You see, Majela and Afrocandy were funny. Majela was just for bants and Afrocandy was...well, you watched the videos. Vic O was...no, we aren't talking about Vic on this blog ever again. He has started getting concerts and whatnot and he never gave us any credit so Vic O can kiss my ass.

Watch the video again. HE USED WORDART TO CREATE THAT "HUSTLE HARD" THING! What in the hell?
Igbo people, come and get your man. Please.