"I pay my tithes after every robbery operation"- Lagos robber

A 24-year old armed robbery suspect, Mr. Tajudeen Onifara has revealed the secret behind his success in the underworld for nine years during which he robbed many people of their money and other possessions. He confessed to the police that he was dutifully paying his tithe to his church, Christ Living Ministry, Lagos Island, as commanded in the Bible after every successful robbery operation in Lagos, western Nigeria.

A couple days ago, some girl on twitter said Christians go to heaven not good people. I don't care where you stand on religion but that's the dumbest thing I've heard in my life. So you're telling me this robber has better chance of going to heaven because he pays his tithes and capitalizes the "g" in "God"?

The father of two said he paid his tithe regularly because he believed that as a Christian God always bless a faithful tither. He disclosed that after every successful operation, he would remove 10 percent of the money he stole from people and pay as tithe to church. Onifara attributed his success in crime for nine years to the fact that he paid his tithe regularly as commanded by God in Malachi chapter 3 verse 10 and 11. The verses, he said, mandated Christians to give 10 percent of their earnings as tithe to the church.

 I honestly believe Nigerians would rather be religious people than be good people. Being "good" is far too much stress. It's so much easier to go to church every Sunday than it is not be a dickhead every day.

"You telling I have to stop being a tardbucket everyday? EVERYDAY?" - Nigerians, probably.

On what he did with all the money he stole over the years, he explained that he used the money to enrol his children in one of the best schools in Lagos and opened a supermarket at Idumagbo on Lagos Island.

He is a good father so I guess I have to give him that.

[YNaija] 

Little Kids Stranded

Again, I'm doing World Cup previews over at SportsDEY. You'll probably like it even if you don't have the faintest clue how soccer works. Trust me. I need you guys to check it out so SuperSport can hire me and we can take Victor Ikpeba off TV forever. Also, so I can buy my trad with crest.

Anyway...

Linda Ikeji asked the following question on her blog a while back,

You are driving on a lonely bridge late at night (in Naija o)...let's say around 11pm, and you see two little children - say 5 and 2, on the side of the bridge just sitting there crying...would you stop your car to pick them up or just continue driving? Why would you pick them up? And why wouldn't you?

Personally, I wouldn’t pick them up. I’d let them die there. Why? Because I hate little kids. They cry. They scream. They don’t listen. They are dirty. I honestly can’t remember the last time I flew and I didn’t want to flush a crying child down the toilet. Ever seen a mother, near tears, beg her child to use her “inside voice”? Ever seen aforementioned child completely ignore that request and run off screaming. Yes, little kids are the absolute worst. This is not up for debate. Sure, you can spank them in Nigeria, but have you seen them cry? They can’t even cry with dignity! Why do you have snot all over your face because you’re crying? Why you cry neatly? Have your tears stream down in an orderly manner?

Anyway, I digress...

Valid point, Nneotta-Sally. Why should they be out at that time? Well, it’s because kids are evil. They’re probably the armed robbers.

Sounds about right, anonymous-person-on-the-internet. It’s probably kids transforming to armed robbers though. Those imps can really do anything. 

Soooo...you’re not going to pick them up, Anon?

My dear, pearlzville T.O, you really don’t know what you’re signing up for. No amount of prayer can stop children from being the worst. Your mind won’t be at ease because they’re guilt tripping you. 

Exactly what I said! You’re like in my mind, HighJ. Twinsies!

And there you have it. Don’t pick up little demons stranded on a bridge at odd hours like my friend, Beauty, suggests. 

Update

Just a little update.

I'm doing some sports writing over at Sports DEY! because NYSC and stuffs. Doing some World Cup previews until one of your fathers cancels NYSC so I can begin my life as a Lagos Big Boy.

First one is up here

PS. I really get why Nigerians are always so angry on the internet. It's so damn hot.

Dead Horse, Leave Alone

You know what I wish would go away? Like, “kidnapped in the Niger Delta” type of go away? That “Oga At The Top” thing. I wish the whole thing would die a terrible death. Cancer meets AIDS meets herpes meets explosive diarrhea death.

It was funny at first, I’ll admit. I laughed a little.  Then, the twitter jokes came. Not as funny, but not past its shelf life either. Then, the shirts + game + remix came…

OMG MAKE IT STOP

Then...this

STAHHP IT, GUYS! STAAAHHHP!

Side note: dude got fired.