PROPHET RAPES DAUGHTER!

Did you guys like my "headline"? Very LindaIkeji-esque, eh? I learned from the best. I've captured your attention and you're now about to read some ridiculously boring prose. Ha! Ha! I WIN!

An Ogun State Chief Magistrate’s Court, southwest Nigeria, has ordered that a prophet, Elijah Olufemi Soneye, be remanded in prison for allegedly torturing his 17-year-old daughter. He allegedly sucked her breasts and ordered her to hold his penis under threat.

Wait. What?

The charge reads: “that you Elijah Oluwafemi Soneye, on 14 October 2011, at about 3 p.m. at New Word Covenant Embassy, Oshodi Chamber, Ijoko, unlawfully tortured your 17-year-old daughter by tying her with a cow rope and caning her till she had bruises all over her body, and also assaulting her by sucking her breasts and ordering her to hold your manhood under threat until you ejaculated, thereby committing an offence punishable under Section 360 of the Criminal Code.”

 Oh. He sucked her boobs and made her give him a handy. His daughter too. Ewww.

unlawfully tortured your 17-year-old daughter by tying her with a cow rope and caning her till she had bruises all over her body

WHAT IN BDSM-MEETS-INCEST HELL IS THIS SHIT?

Meanwhile, mother of the victim, Mrs Soneye, told P.M.NEWS outside the court that she had been separated from her husband for the past 15 years because he was maltreating her.

She said she narrowly escaped being killed when he allegedly held her by the neck for some minutes until she started urinating on herself.

So she left her kid with this same man?

She stated that her son Michael Soneye and the victim told her that they wanted to go and live with their father because she did not have enough money to take proper care of them, and she obliged.

BUT HE ALMOST KILLED YOU?

According to her, after four months, the victim came and told her that the father wanted to make love to her and she ran away from him.

My head hurts. I'm going to play in the comment section.

Do we have a translator in the house? Does this mean "the prophet is a sick bastard"?

Ugh. I'm done with this. Read the rest

U MAD?

*Sidenote: I should probably put a new post up very soon. Preferably making fun of Igbo people.

Why Evils?

I don't think she's into the kiss. I might be wrong, however.

Meet Amara

She wrote this absolute beauty called "Reasons You're Not Married". She's either greatest troll in the history of the Nigerian internet or an absolute imbecile. Or maybe the rare spectacular combination. Turns out she's a PM News columnist and she spews out garbage with some frequency. Like this gem,

Isn’t it surprising how single ladies now out-dress married women with good jobs whose husbands are very rich? You are not married because the single men around you are wondering if they will be able to meet up with your ever-demanding lifestyle. Even when they know they can afford it, what makes them believe you won’t take a walk tomorrow if anything goes wrong?

Nah, she has to be a troll.

Or look at this one,

I also agree with men when they say that evil will leave the world the day women decide to let it go.

-________-
It's not just Amara, her commenters are brilliant too

This is like troll heaven. What have I been doing on other parts of the internet? Obviously losing at the internet. 

I don't think Amara likes strip clubs either.

Let us look at some of the negative effects of these nude clubs on the society. There is so much moral decay in our society today that we now call evil enjoyment. When men go to nude clubs and see young girls with their boobs intact and some of them with Beyonce kind of bum, what do you think becomes the reaction of the man after?

Why should a man be foolish to the point of forfeiting his family name? We now have names like Macloyd; MacDaniel, MacAnthony…It is sad, really sad. Whenever you see a Nigerian man who has these names, please think and see a man who is low in self-esteem and is in a serious battle with complex.

*Dies*

The best part? She has two columns. "Women's Grooming By Amara" and "Men's Grooming By Amara".

RIP Steve Jobs

This isn't necessarily Nigerian related. I mean, most of my posts are either from my MacBook or my iPad so I guess it connects somehow. Maybe it's a stretch. Whatever, I can write whatever I want.

Steve Jobs was my hero. I stan'd him like no other and i'm not ashamed to admit it. I wasn't born when Ford or Edison were alive so Jobs was IT for me. I could go on and bore your about how Jobs' creations revolutionized technology but you probably know that already. The world has lost a great mind and it's a damn shame.



Think different.

Haven't Done This In A While

Enjoy!

PS: Happy 3 days after independence day!