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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Nigeria: A Voltron for its People’s Anuses

As a nation, we need to decide when we are going to stop the fuckery that keeps going on in the National Assembly. The nonsense that goes on in there would have started a French style revolution in any nation with thinking citizenry. I mean, Nigerian legislators routinely discuss stupid shit and try to pass that same stupid shit into law. How is it then that we haven’t bitch slapped some sense into the idiots we call our leaders? Just yesterday, I found out we were trying to get an anti-gay bill passed into law. Before I could even be properly mad, I hear the sewage bill got passed. Am I the only one flabbergasted here? We are yet to have comprehensive legislation banning Tonto Dike from foray into the music business but we have anti-gay laws? I don’t care about your opinions on gay rights, this is shit is just retarded.

First off, why is this an issue for the National Assembly to discuss? There are children being sold into slavery, terrorist attacks, rapists with a flair for cinema on the loose, unemployed youths and households that have never seen electricity, but yet we concern ourselves with what another man decides to put into his rectum. Have we as a nation decided to voltron for another man’s rectum? Does it truly concern us what other people choose to do with their anuses? Are we really ok with pedophilia but not with homosexuality? To say our priorities as a nation are grossly misplaced would be a serious understatement.

Forget about the homos for one second and think about it; this shit affects you homophobic niggas too because this doesn’t end here, nah son, it’s just the beginning. Imagine driving in Lagos with your brother in the passenger seat and getting stopped for gay driving. Or imagine being paraded on crime fighters as a suspected homosexual based on an ‘anonymous tipoff’ and being beaten into a confession. Shit, in future you could be committing a felony by listening to Take Care or @ replying Big_Jamaal. A political activist would be easier to jail as a suspected gay man or woman instead of trying to convict him/her as a political dissident. Nigerian footballers would most likely serve jail time based on the amount of ass smacking we see on the pitch when they play.

This just adds to the growing list of absurdities found in our constitution. The criminal code of this country says the worship of some types of juju is illegal. When the NDLEA said Baba Suwe was using ‘strong juju’ to keep him from excreting  drugs, they could have arrested him, brought him before a Nigerian Court Judge under the charges of illegal juju practices and a TRIAL would commence. Evidence would be presented and witness testimony heard before a verdict would be given. Are we actually ready for the gay trials? The courts are already packed full with legitimate cases and we decide to add this nonsense to the pile.

The painful part of this is that, this doesn’t actually do anything really. Gay people were never going to get married in Nigeria anytime soon. They wouldn’t even have wanted to in this current climate. In the future, when the Nigerian people become more tolerant of ‘the gays’, the law would be amended. All this has achieved is remind us that our elected representatives are not concerned with real national issues and by having nothing else to do, they may be quite bored in their offices & assembly halls. Getting the country to invest in providing mobile devices preloaded with Angry Birds for our legislators, could just be the shrewdest use of taxpayer Naira ever. At least, we wouldn’t be the object of international ridicule.

Nigeria Lost

The Nigerian Senate keeps losing on so many fronts.

For a country with bigger problems, like Boko Haram, this is a damn shame. A big fucking shame.



Sunday, November 27, 2011

The One Interview To Rule Them All

Remember that Tonto interview? The full thing is out. Enjoy!


PS: What's with that shitty theme song anyway? 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Comment Section Wisdom

Another post about teh ghey on Linda's blog, even more brilliance in the comment section.
 Rashidi Williams, a gay man, works on his laptop in Lagos, Nigeria. When a gang of men beat him up earlier this year, the 25-year-old gay Nigerian was too afraid to report the attack to police or even his family. Doing so would only create more problems, he says, in this country where legislators are now seeking to criminalize gay marriage. Here in the megacity of Africa's most populous nation, Williams says he doesn't even know of any gays or lesbians who would want to get married given the added safety risks it would bring.


Cheap publicity? He "wants more beating"?

Homosexuals are suddenly not deserving of safety?

I think Sugabelly wrote something last year about how homosexuality was actually prevalent in "the days of our forefathers".

Live and let live, people. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Linda Has Arrived!

Bloggers blogging about being blogged about. I guess there's still hope for my reality show.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Best Interview Ever?

Must. Watch. Full. Interview.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Panic! Teh Ghey Invade...Again

Linda Ikeji put up something about gay marriage. The comments are funny and because I'm such a good person, I've decided to share.


Am I the only person that finds it funny when Nigerians say "a gay"? Like "are you a gay?" Cracks me up every time.

Monday, November 7, 2011

These Aren't The Leaders Of Tomorrow

So @TheBlackHermit sent these to me on twitter. It's his fault. All his fault. Forward your complaints to his twitter. While you are at, remind him of the guest post he owes us. thx.

I hate the internet.

Are they trying to sing this song from that one Hitchcock movie? Why is that little girl pronouncing "sera" as "Sarah"? Where are their parents? Does this count as child abuse in some countries? I just want some answers. I don't know why this thing is on the internet without any explanations. The lead singer looks like someone is forcing her. Like she won't get to eat meat with her rice at lunch. I'm serious, look!

Look at the despair in her eyes, bro. She had to be forced. I just want to hug her and give her my second meat. I'm sad. 

(Sidenote: Why is the other girl excited? Does she think she's about to become a superstar or something?)

There's more...

I think the budget was bigger on this one. Look at the effects. They're flying and whatnot. They even got Dipsy and Po to make a cameos. I wonder why they didn't invite Tinky Winky and the other one. Oh, I forgot. Christians don't like teh ghey. My bad.

Is that Jesus?



Saturday, November 5, 2011

What Is This?

Friday, November 4, 2011

Amara On Cooking

Hello there!

It’s your girl, Amara

I have been invited to write an advice post on this beautiful website. I would like to thank the editors for giving me this opportunity.

I was on tweeter when I saw a young man put up this lovely little piece of advice for the today’s young ladies.

And all these young girls on tweeter started fighting him. Shameless little things! You know how to apply all the makeups in the world but you can’t cook for your man.

Do you think a man will marry a woman that can’t feed him and his children? The young man put it brilliantly.


You’re wasting your time outdressing married women.  Start outcooking them. All these men will leave their marital homes for you. I have a female colleague that did this very thing. She made the most delicious Isi Ewu and the man divorced his wife to marry her. In fact, the moment a man proposes to you, there must be a particular meal that made him realize you were worth it. Better go and ask your mother to teach you how to cook before it’s too late.

PS: Amara didn't really write this, but if she did, it would probably read like this.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Memoirs Of A Nobskid (Special Request)

This is back for one time only because of a friend.

Here’s my story even though I know it will be almost impossible for you to believe me. I missed you all.
Noble was gone? I guess I didn't miss much then.
I wonder what he was up to during his hiatus. Maybe he went to find himself or something. He was getting extra emo last time I read the memoirs. 
That's Noble at that TNC thing. He looks like a new man, doesn't he? A bit drained but that's probably the emo seeping out. Speaking of TNC, anybody care to fill me in on what that is? Noble was like the only famous person in those pictures. Is TNC like an avenue for regular people to take "famous people pictures"? If yes, can someone invite me. Your boy is trying to get a reality show.

Anyway, back to the memoirs. 
It’s been months since Zoba and I agreed to go into a NO-SEX-until-marriage relationship. The truth is, I agreed to a no-sex relationship because I figured it would help me prepare for marriage.
Shit. He's still emo. WHY LAWD?
I know some of you may not understand this but the truth is, there are very few men that actually ask their wives for a blow job. I’ve not been married before but I’ve gotten more blow jobs from chics on my borry (not booty or buddy …borry) call-list than the people I have dated. 
So you've decide to save it til marriage? I don't get Noble's logic here. Mo wa confooz
On a more serious note, I’ll like to know if you agree or disagree with me. I think some men does not want to see the mother of their children going up and down on their member. I really wanted to include Blow job on the list but “unwife-like” images kept flooding my mind. 
What have they done with our Noble?
Just because I didn’t want to spoil a good thing or come off as someone who can not do without sex, I told her that I would be okay with just being there for her and would be eager to satisfy her when necessary .
Oh. Noble has a vagina now. Makes sense.
It’s been months and I can tell you that I am doing just fine. 
I was still in bed when the text message came in
"Mr Noble, the HiTV camera will be coming to your house today to record a day in the life of Noble Igwe for the Breakfast show as agreed."
Why does Noble get a reality show before me? What do they want to know? How Noble maintains his head to body ratio?

The clip will be shown on HiTV’s the Breakfast show by 9am on Tuesday, November 1, 2011.
Can someone watch this and tell me how it goes? I'm actually interested to some degree.
Got home and there was no light, so I decided to step out for Ice cream. I tweeted “I feel like Ice Cream factory”, few minutes later, a text message came in. 
Arewa: Pick me up so we can go together.
I quickly had a shower and changed my boxers. I didn’t change my boxers because I was expecting something to happen but I didn’t want to be caught unawares. Our people say ‘Mgberede nyiri dike,mana obu mgberede ka eji ama dike’.
Any Igbo person care to translate that last bit?
She rushed to the car in a few minutes dressed in a see-thru tight t-shirt; I could see her entire boobs well packed in a red bra. She was packing the sort of boobs that would make any newly born kid reject his or her mother’s breast milk and demand for hers.
Vintage Noble. Vintage M&B Noble.
Arewa: hey Nobs, this rain is serious ooo, don’t you want to come in? 
I can swear that I heard CUM in.
 This could get interesting.
I’ve not had sex in a while and Arewa’s nri nwa was looking better than the entire Ice cream flavours at ice cream factory. I got out of the car and followed her in…
Oooooohhhh. Can't wait for next week. Maybe old Noble is coming back after all. Just maybe.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Take Me Now, Lord

Super late pass on this one but who left their laptop with the maid?

I'm going to need one of you kids to 'fess up.

Like, seriously. What is this? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Can't. Breathe.

I swear I hate the internet.