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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Nigeria: A Voltron for its People’s Anuses

As a nation, we need to decide when we are going to stop the fuckery that keeps going on in the National Assembly. The nonsense that goes on in there would have started a French style revolution in any nation with thinking citizenry. I mean, Nigerian legislators routinely discuss stupid shit and try to pass that same stupid shit into law. How is it then that we haven’t bitch slapped some sense into the idiots we call our leaders? Just yesterday, I found out we were trying to get an anti-gay bill passed into law. Before I could even be properly mad, I hear the sewage bill got passed. Am I the only one flabbergasted here? We are yet to have comprehensive legislation banning Tonto Dike from foray into the music business but we have anti-gay laws? I don’t care about your opinions on gay rights, this is shit is just retarded.

First off, why is this an issue for the National Assembly to discuss? There are children being sold into slavery, terrorist attacks, rapists with a flair for cinema on the loose, unemployed youths and households that have never seen electricity, but yet we concern ourselves with what another man decides to put into his rectum. Have we as a nation decided to voltron for another man’s rectum? Does it truly concern us what other people choose to do with their anuses? Are we really ok with pedophilia but not with homosexuality? To say our priorities as a nation are grossly misplaced would be a serious understatement.

Forget about the homos for one second and think about it; this shit affects you homophobic niggas too because this doesn’t end here, nah son, it’s just the beginning. Imagine driving in Lagos with your brother in the passenger seat and getting stopped for gay driving. Or imagine being paraded on crime fighters as a suspected homosexual based on an ‘anonymous tipoff’ and being beaten into a confession. Shit, in future you could be committing a felony by listening to Take Care or @ replying Big_Jamaal. A political activist would be easier to jail as a suspected gay man or woman instead of trying to convict him/her as a political dissident. Nigerian footballers would most likely serve jail time based on the amount of ass smacking we see on the pitch when they play.

This just adds to the growing list of absurdities found in our constitution. The criminal code of this country says the worship of some types of juju is illegal. When the NDLEA said Baba Suwe was using ‘strong juju’ to keep him from excreting  drugs, they could have arrested him, brought him before a Nigerian Court Judge under the charges of illegal juju practices and a TRIAL would commence. Evidence would be presented and witness testimony heard before a verdict would be given. Are we actually ready for the gay trials? The courts are already packed full with legitimate cases and we decide to add this nonsense to the pile.

The painful part of this is that, this doesn’t actually do anything really. Gay people were never going to get married in Nigeria anytime soon. They wouldn’t even have wanted to in this current climate. In the future, when the Nigerian people become more tolerant of ‘the gays’, the law would be amended. All this has achieved is remind us that our elected representatives are not concerned with real national issues and by having nothing else to do, they may be quite bored in their offices & assembly halls. Getting the country to invest in providing mobile devices preloaded with Angry Birds for our legislators, could just be the shrewdest use of taxpayer Naira ever. At least, we wouldn’t be the object of international ridicule.


  1. I know this is a serious matter but this post made me laugh so hard.
    Now that i'm done laughing i have to admit my shyness for these people. This is why i don't blame people who deny that they are Nigerian. How very unprogressive. Nobody is saying pass a bill to support gay marriages, but to criminalize it?

    This is the same way a bill was once passed to police indecent dressing by females and all it turned into was a legal excuse for officers of the law to legally molest females they deemed to be indecently dressed.
    Our leaders need to stop.

  2. Well said! Couldn't have said it better myself. We need more Nigerians writing (and speaking) like this honestly. The country's breeding more cowards by the minute.