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Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Day Blackberry Babes Went Global...I Think

Yesterday, American rapper, Vandalyzm, found Blackberry Babes on youtube. #BlackPeopleTwitter joined in too. The reactions were pretty interesting.

#Sidenote: Vandalyzm is a pretty cool dude. Saw him at SXSW. Ok, I'm done tatching.

A Vandalyzm song for good measure

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Memoirs of a Nobskid VII

I wasn’t going to put this up initially. The whole “lets make fun of Nobs” thing is getting tired, especially the “hob nobs” jokes on twitter. The “hob nobs” jokes were funny at first, then #NigerianPeopleTwitter over did it. It went from playful jokes to personal attacks on Noble. This might sound a bit rich coming from me, but there’s a very thin line between funny and malicious. Most of you whorebags were being downright malicious.

Yes, someone peed in my cereal this morning.

The last time we were with Oliver De Coque looking Lothario, he was experiencing some premature problems.
Jenny’s phone rang. She picked it and that was when Kim suggested that we should take it to the balcony. She got a condom,slipped it on me and just as she was to guide it in,the unexpected happened ……
I guessed Noble got a little too excited.
The condom tore..
I was wrong.
Nobs: boo, I don’t know who your boyfie may be dicking without protection, before mmadu ebute something.
Kim: Olodo, why are you speaking language for me. You should have come with condoms.
Noble, this is the second time we’re telling you. Wozzrong with you? Pack condom!
Nobs: maybe you should go down to the reception and get some but I can’t promise you this hard on will be waiting sha.
Kim: Nobs, I even think my mouth can wake up the dead. Leave that part for me.
Wake up the dead?

Jenny: Wow. So are we still on tomorrow?
Nobs: I‘ve got loads of things to do but I can make out time for you.
Jenny; Me? Alone?
I was about to say yes but I didn’t want to make it obvious that I was interested in her. 
Bad goiz moves.
I tried this "not interested" thing on some girl one day. Didn't work obviously, I'm not Noble. In my mind, I was running mad game. In reality, she just needed a scantron for her test. #TheStruggle.
Then there was a knock on the door. Jenny got the door, Kim walks in followed by Chioma.
Kim: Nobs, meet my friend, Chioma
Chioma: We know each other
Kim: It’s a small world
Nobs: It is. Hey Chioma, how’s J girl?
Chioma: She’s fine ooo. We should all hook up soon.
Wait. Kim, Jenny, and Chioma. Only one Noble. Foursome? How do those even work? I understand the logistics of a threesome but a foursome? Does the extra person wait for set? Does she tap in a la WWF style? Does she update Noble's twitter as he does his work? Maybe she records the conversation for the blog. Yeah, that makes the most sense.
Nobs : Kim,can I see you for a min
Kim : Sure hun
We walked back to the balcony
Nobs : I feel used.
You know that part in those American action feems that you start feeling sorry for the boze? Yeah, this is it.
Nobs: I feel like a homeless dog in a close feeding off from all the kitchens in my neighbourhood and that’s not a good feeling.

Kim : Are we still seeing tomorrow like you promised Jenny
Nobs : I didn’t promise anything but I won’t mind hanging out with Jenny
Kim : Alone?
Nobs : Yup
This is the part we remember the boze is actually a bad guy and we stop feeling sorry.
Kim : That won’t happen . You left me hanging and now you are talking about hanging out with Jen alone.
Nobs: You know what? Have a good night.
Teek vex!

I walked out and straight to the elevator. For the first time in a long time, I felt used. 
Awww. Real tears. Real unicorn tears.

I got into my car and decided that someone have to pay for the blue balls. I picked up my phone and called someone that I’ve not called in a while
$5, he calls Ada. Any takers?
Male voice : Hello
Nobs : Good Evening, please I’ll like to speak with Biola
Oh. My bad.
Male voice : hold on, please what’s the name?
Nobs : Noble
I overheard him saying “ baby, there’s a certain Noble on the phone for you” and guess her response “Baby,tell him that I am sleeping”
Wow. This thing that they're doing to Noble? Eeeez not fair o!
I didn’t wait for his response, I hung up. When it rains, it pours. Maybe I need to change my ways
Don't change, Noble! If you change, how will you entertain us? Nobody wants to read about your monogamous life with Ada. Ain't nobody checking for that shit. Anyone seen Alfie? Is Noble beginning to question his "shallow self-indulgent lifestyle"?


Monday, May 23, 2011

Nawa To This Guy Jare

"The Abia State Chairman of Labour Party (LP), Chief Obi Aguocha, said yesterday that he has prepared his own burial programme, as he awaits death in the hands of those who might think that he is talking too much. He said that he did that to make things easy for those he alleged have been threatening him with death through phone calls and text messages.

Aguocha said that he has discovered that no matter how long one stays in life , whether he says the truth or not, he would one day die and for this reason, he has bought his own casket , made a choice of suit for his burial.
He stated that one thing he would not fail to do is to tell the truth, adding that his supposed killers can come now if they so wish. Aguocha, who spoke to Daily Sun in his home, Ohuhu, joined numerous Abians to call for the cancellation of the guber poll, alleging that there was no election. He also believed that, the sitting government has not done well at all."

Okay so i know there have been some peeps that could actually sense when their death don dey reach....and i feel most of them are usually peeps that have gotten involved in some sort of crazy stuff like blood money rituals, ogboni and all other bull-craps)
You see this news is actually the first of its kind, such that the guy not only knows that he will be killed soon, but he also went and bought himself a freaking coffin and prepared his own burial program.....this guy no dey play ohh.....i really want to laugh so so so so hard, but i dont know if this kind of news is worth laughing at, or i should just keep my mouth shut and feel pity for the poor dude :(
anyways i guess a lil laugh wouldn't hurt tho, cos this is really some real disturbing, but funny sh** too...ha ha ha

Well, i guess this is what happens when you want to be "Mr. Honest" in the midst of criminals, animals and vagabonds who only think about themselves and how to suck all milk from our govt's vast boobs..Anyways Chief I wish u well and God dey ur side jare, and he will continue to protect anyone trying to change Naija for good :)

But damn, isnt it unfortunate to know say na burial rice dey sweet pass :(

(daily sun)

Only In Naija.....

So i just heard that our president's inauguration will last for one week at a budget of N5 billion (which is like $32 million). The church service alone is suppose to cost N62 million.

Anyways shaa, i dont know how true this is...but if its actually true, then i think we would really and quickly begin to pray for this our country called Nigeria. Cos i just cant see how the masses are suffering like crazy, trying to make ends meet...while our government is looking to spend such ridiculous amount of money just for inauguration ceremony. Come on nah!!
This national cake gats reach everybody hand ohh...cos me i no just understand wetin dey happen for this land sef :(
But u see the craziest thing is that this N5 billion we talking about is like nothing to some people in Naija (esp those our political assholes wey don loot all the lootables)

(sahara reporters)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I take back everything I said about the comment sections on NotJustOk and BellaNaija.

Nairaland is cornucopia of all that is stupid on the Nigerian Internet. What in the hell is this?

Ok heres the deal. . i spent 5yrs in the USA. .but now i am back to Nigeria.
.and obviously as a young nice looking dude am back into the dating scene. . .
I have gone on tons of dates. . .but the problem is i hesitate to kiss naija girls. . even when they willingly offer their lips and mouths
The reason?. . .I cannot be too sure of their dental hygiene. .
How many of them brush 2wice daily?. . use mouthwash or more importantly how many floss?
Flossing is a big deal for me. . I just cant shake the feeling that that pretty girl has 2 day old meat stuck in her teeth somewhere
Flossing is even more important than brushing. . .when u brush and floss daily u have good breath for 24hrs
I have actually had to introduce flossing to one chick that spent 3days with me. .
however after showing her how to do it. . . she claimed its tough on her teeth. .
so as expected i couldnt bring myself to kiss her the rest of her stay. .
so ppl. . what should i do?. . what percentage of Naija girls. . floss or use mouthwash anyway?. . .1%. . 10%
seems like on my next date,am going to ask straight up. . do u floss?. . and if not bounce the chick immediately
perhaps i should go look for a repat chick like myself?. .oh well. .

No words. None at all. He has to be a troll, this can't be forrealsies.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Memoirs of a Nobskid VI

Two straight Nobs related posts.

Well damn.

Nobs is like my muse now.  Nobs, if you ever want a biography done, can I do it?

Best book cover. Ever. 

Sidenote: I wonder if women play with Noble's chest hair mid coitus. think that's creepy? Don't act like you weren't thinking it either. Stop lying. Anyway, back to our story.

I was totally confused and didn’t know what to do but then, did you expect me to pack condoms to a family function?
Err...yes. You're Noble Igwe. Cassanova extraordinaire.   Plenty women want to make sex with you
I looked over at Queen, she had pulled up her dress and all I could see behind her full ‘tomato-Jos‘ body was a pink thong 
"Tomato-jos"? Que? Somebody care to explain?

Queen: We don’t have time
Nobs: Erm I couldn’t find any condoms
Queen: And we’ve been apart for too long to trust each other.
Nobs: I’ve been good
Queen: common shut up you little big-headed slut. I read your diary on your site.
Oh. She went there.
Yeah, she went there.
Queen : No one is getting a free pass on this. I’m so turned on too.
Nobs : So now, you are going P square on me?
Queen: How ?
Nobs: Do me, I do you.
No, Noble. This is poor, even from you. "Do me, I do you"? No bueno.

Queen: Hey Nobs
Nobs: Hey Queen. What’s up?
Queen: Nobs, I got talking with Amara and I also did some serious thinking. I suggest that we forget about hooking up tonight. I really think we got carried away earlier today. If we are ever going to come back together, I want something serious. We made a lot of mistakes but we can correct them as adults.
Nobs: I’m so sorry if you think I tried taking advantage of you earlier today. I guess I still have feelings for you. I do want a relationship too but I want it to be right and not close to what we had in the past.
This Amara dude is a standard bastard. Or maybe it wasn't Amara. The other day, my buddy told that if you masturbated before you saw an ex, you think clearly. Maybe Queen masturbated. Maybe Amara is the name of her rabbit. Maybe.
Saturday May 14,2011.
I woke tired and craving popcorn from the Galleria, so I decided to go get some. On my way back I got a call from Kim
Kim : Two  of my girlfriends are in town and we are having fun with  the boys.
Nobs: Nice
 I see where this is going.
Kim : This is my friend, Joy and she wants to meet you.
Aha! I was right.

This is Joy, 

 I wish people introduced themselves to me with tidday pictures. But why no face tho? These heaux! Don't fall for it, Nobs. All na scamz.
Kim : How would like being in the company of 3 naked girls?
This Kim babe obviously runs a brothel. Not like I'm judging or anything. My name is not Judy.
I was excited and scared at the same time. I’ve never been with 3 chics but I wasn’t sure if they would have a camera planted. 
Noble sextape? No, ma'am. I don't think I want to watch Oliver De Coque Lite have sex with women. Wait. What am I saying? My shameless ass would probably watch it.

Kim : come let me show you how much of you that I have missed.
Kim grabbed me and started kissing me, then one after the other she took off every piece of clothing on me. I didn’t try to stop her but I was also looking behind to make sure that Jenny wasn’t pointing her phone at us. Kim went on her knees and put me in her mouth. 
 Mills & Boon swag. Tales by Moonlight flow.

(*Note: I'm mad Noble doesn't refer to his penis as his "member").
It was bliss and when I thought I had seen it all, Kim said
Kim : Jenny, come and assist me with the balls.

Jenny : Kim,you know that I have not asked you for anything?
Kim : What do you want?
Jenny : Will you let him take me?
Kim : Not tonight
Jenny; Not just tonight? why?
Kim : maybe tomorrow
Jenny : Are we all hooking up tomorrow?
Kim ; Nobs?
Nobs : We can decide all that later.
Do women beg to be "taken" by you? No? Reason #12348938 why Noble > you.
Jenny’s phone rang. She picked it and that was when Kim suggested that we should take it to the balcony. She got a condom,slipped it on me and just as she was to guide it in,the unexpected happened ……

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Twitter Artist

So Noble put up this post on his website about twitter artists. I didn't read the post. I only read Noble's memoirs because Noble's writing in his memoirs are unfuckwitable. As usual, I went straight to the comment section and check out the wisdom hiding there but what I found shocked me.

People were making fun of Noble. 

Mba nu! I don't share. You can make fun of Majela and the rest, but not Noble, the Igwe. The only person allowed to make fun of Noble is myself. The rest of you an like to chill small. Even the other writer's in this blog aren't allowed to make fun of Noble. Stop it right now!

Look at this imbecile! What talent do you have? With your non-punctuating ass!

Is this one trying to imply that Noble's memoirs are fictional? Haters to Noble's left. Haters to Noble's right. Haters everywia!

This guy really went there. How is this guy allowed to call Noble a "dimwit"? What in the fuck is "bou"?

What does being "bi-racial" have to do with anything? I don't know why people like to hate on mixed kids like us. We did no wrong. Yes, I'm mixed. I'm Bini and Igbo. #SWAG

Noble is a "bloddy local fool"? This sounds like a personal problem.

On a side note, people that spell "but" as "buh" have no friends. 

I digress.

Speaking of twitter artists though, if you actually like that Tunde Ednut song....
I can't think of any curse to send. Just go away, please.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

I'd Like You To Meet...


Monday, May 9, 2011

Memoirs of a Nobskid V

What is this?

Nobs updated the memoirs? (Thanks, @somakudi for the heads up)

The last time we were here, I was willing to bet $50 that Nobs proposed to Ada.

My offer still stands.
Kim: I had a really good time at yours, how do I say “Thank you”
Nobs: Saying “Thank you” would be enough
Kim: I want to say a “Thank you” you’ll always remember.
Nobs; So what do we do?
Kim: Can you drive while I mouth-ride you?
Nobs: Wow. All the way to Ikoyi?
Kim: If you can hold it, why not?
Nobs: This must be an interesting “Thank you”
Woah! Woah! Wozzalldis? Who is Kim? What happened to Ada?
...she undid my fly and slipped in her hand. She kept her hands in and few minutes to the toll, she brought it out and lowered her head.
Noble in rare form. Mills & Boon form. 
It took the honking from the car behind to bring me back to reality. I didn’t want to get involved in an accident so I begged Kim to chill a bit.
I agree with Noble, road head is distracting. I got it once when I driving to Houston some time ago. Kept air high-fiving other drivers on the highway. Apart from this one old lady that gave me this weird stare. She was a hater so it doesn't matter.

I digress.
With the car parked meters away from her gate, she finished what she started and as HEAD girl Teamswallow, it was a nice Thank You.
Spitters are quitters. The gospel according to Noble, the Igwe.
I drove home with different images of KIM on my mind and at some point; I toyed with the idea of stealing her from her boyfriend.
You go fear bad goiz. Have you seen Source Code? You how there are a bunch of alternate universes? I bet I'm like Noble in some other alternate universe. This fact alone consoles me. I might not be blocking babes in this universe but in some other universe, the "HEADgirl Teamswallow" is telling me "thank you" in my car.
Last week, some people were pissed that kim is in a relationship and is having an affair with me.
Wait! There were memoirs last week? I've obviously been slacking. I'll have ton interrupt this week's memoirs so we can see the origins of this Kim gist. The rest of week 46 is boring anyway.
Nobs: Hey cute boobs
Kim: Hey Hob Nobs
Nobs: The candy special?
Kim: What? I don’t get it
Nobs: I meant, “Hob Nobs candy special” you can’t eat it, but you can suck on it.
Kim: You are such a spoilt child.
Nobs: And I can do things to you
Kim: like?
Nobs: Like if you can come to the De marquee, I can show you in the car park.
Nobs: I’m holding things down with my hands.
Kim: Nobs, you are getting me wet. Stop already.
Nobs: Babe, I’m hard and my hardness is like a Christmas ticket to Nigeria

Kim: Hey Nobs, are you awake?
Nobs: erm yes, is everything okay?
Kim : I need you to work me through. He’s done and asleep
He = Kim's boyfriend

Nobs: I don’t get ?
Kim: He left me hanging as usual so I’m in the bathroom to take care of me.
Nobs: Pele. Anything for you but if only you had come, we won’t be going having this sort of conversation.
Nobs' sex game is obviously > the average man. They don't call him "Noble, the Igwe" for nothing.
So I called and we were able to make her cum. I know think that many women go through the same thing but I think it’s totally wrong for any man to leave a woman hanging and not even bother to help her in a any way.
Always a gentleman. Noble even thinks "Ladies first" in bed. Noble is obviously a better man than I am. I probably would have rolled over and started watching ESPN. #shrug
We finally got to mine
Kim; have you got my wine and chocolate?
Nobs: let me get em
I got the wine and chocolate. Poured some into her glass and then asked her to take off her dress.
I won't lie, the first thing that came to my wind was "alomo and chocomilo".
She undressed slowly and was left with only her panties and bra. She bent towards me to get her drink, putting the huge boobs in my direction.

I let her sip some wine, dropped the glass and then I pushed her up against the wall with her back to me.

I asked her not to look back and I picked a cube of ice from the ice bucket, dipped it in wine and used it on her nipples. I could tell she liked it because she tilted her head backwards and kept moaning in small tones.

I moved the ice from her nipples, through her back, down to her thighs and legs leaving a trace of water with my movement.

I went back to retrace the line with my tongue with one hand working her right nipple.

I then gently put her on the bed, dipped a chocolate bar in wine and gave her to eat but as soon as she took a bite, I covered her lips with mine.

Chocolate+exchange of saliva+fingers running through her body= bliss

With every piece of clothing off, I compensated her for all the things that she missed.

It was a night of 4th mainland bridge.

This the email address for Mills & Boon HR -
Let's get this man where he needs to be.
Noble traces lines with his tongue. No ruler or anything. With his tongue only! People, you don't seem to understand the greatness that is Noble, the Igwe.

Sunday, May 8, 2011


I'm graduating in a bit + the others are slackers = No updates.

Found this on my facebook feed. ROFLCOPTER!

Suffered for 40 days, I gave up Indomie for lent