#Sidenote: Vandalyzm is a pretty cool dude. Saw him at SXSW. Ok, I'm done tatching.
A Vandalyzm song for good measure
Jenny’s phone rang. She picked it and that was when Kim suggested that we should take it to the balcony. She got a condom,slipped it on me and just as she was to guide it in,the unexpected happened ……I guessed Noble got a little too excited.
The condom tore..I was wrong.
Nobs: boo, I don’t know who your boyfie may be dicking without protection, before mmadu ebute something.Noble, this is the second time we’re telling you. Wozzrong with you? Pack condom!
Kim: Olodo, why are you speaking language for me. You should have come with condoms.
Nobs: maybe you should go down to the reception and get some but I can’t promise you this hard on will be waiting sha.Wake up the dead?
Kim: Nobs, I even think my mouth can wake up the dead. Leave that part for me.
Jenny: Wow. So are we still on tomorrow?Bad goiz moves.
Nobs: I‘ve got loads of things to do but I can make out time for you.
Jenny; Me? Alone?
I was about to say yes but I didn’t want to make it obvious that I was interested in her.
Then there was a knock on the door. Jenny got the door, Kim walks in followed by Chioma.Wait. Kim, Jenny, and Chioma. Only one Noble. Foursome? How do those even work? I understand the logistics of a threesome but a foursome? Does the extra person wait for set? Does she tap in a la WWF style? Does she update Noble's twitter as he does his work? Maybe she records the conversation for the blog. Yeah, that makes the most sense.
Kim: Nobs, meet my friend, Chioma
Chioma: We know each other
Kim: It’s a small world
Nobs: It is. Hey Chioma, how’s J girl?
Chioma: She’s fine ooo. We should all hook up soon.
Nobs : Kim,can I see you for a minYou know that part in those American action feems that you start feeling sorry for the boze? Yeah, this is it.
Kim : Sure hun
We walked back to the balcony
Nobs : I feel used.
Nobs: I feel like a homeless dog in a close feeding off from all the kitchens in my neighbourhood and that’s not a good feeling.Wait.
Kim : Are we still seeing tomorrow like you promised JennyThis is the part we remember the boze is actually a bad guy and we stop feeling sorry.
Nobs : I didn’t promise anything but I won’t mind hanging out with Jenny
Kim : Alone?
Nobs : Yup
Kim : That won’t happen . You left me hanging and now you are talking about hanging out with Jen alone.ELA OJU KAN!!!
Nobs: You know what? Have a good night.Teek vex!
Awww. Real tears. Real unicorn tears.
I walked out and straight to the elevator. For the first time in a long time, I felt used.
I got into my car and decided that someone have to pay for the blue balls. I picked up my phone and called someone that I’ve not called in a while$5, he calls Ada. Any takers?
Male voice : HelloOh. My bad.
Nobs : Good Evening, please I’ll like to speak with Biola
Male voice : hold on, please what’s the name?Wow. This thing that they're doing to Noble? Eeeez not fair o!
Nobs : Noble
I overheard him saying “ baby, there’s a certain Noble on the phone for you” and guess her response “Baby,tell him that I am sleeping”
I didn’t wait for his response, I hung up. When it rains, it pours. Maybe I need to change my waysNOOOO!!!!!!
Ok heres the deal. . i spent 5yrs in the USA. .but now i am back to Nigeria.
.and obviously as a young nice looking dude am back into the dating scene. . .
I have gone on tons of dates. . .but the problem is i hesitate to kiss naija girls. . even when they willingly offer their lips and mouths
The reason?. . .I cannot be too sure of their dental hygiene. .
How many of them brush 2wice daily?. . use mouthwash or more importantly how many floss?
Flossing is a big deal for me. . I just cant shake the feeling that that pretty girl has 2 day old meat stuck in her teeth somewhere
Flossing is even more important than brushing. . .when u brush and floss daily u have good breath for 24hrs
I have actually had to introduce flossing to one chick that spent 3days with me. .
however after showing her how to do it. . . she claimed its tough on her teeth. .
so as expected i couldnt bring myself to kiss her the rest of her stay. .
so ppl. . what should i do?. . what percentage of Naija girls. . floss or use mouthwash anyway?. . .1%. . 10%
seems like on my next date,am going to ask straight up. . do u floss?. . and if not bounce the chick immediately
perhaps i should go look for a repat chick like myself?. .oh well. .
No words. None at all. He has to be a troll, this can't be forrealsies.
I was totally confused and didn’t know what to do but then, did you expect me to pack condoms to a family function?Err...yes. You're Noble Igwe. Cassanova extraordinaire.
I looked over at Queen, she had pulled up her dress and all I could see behind her full ‘tomato-Jos‘ body was a pink thong"Tomato-jos"? Que? Somebody care to explain?
Queen: We don’t have timeOh. She went there.
Nobs: Erm I couldn’t find any condoms
Queen: And we’ve been apart for too long to trust each other.
Nobs: I’ve been good
Queen: common shut up you little big-headed slut. I read your diary on your site.
Queen : No one is getting a free pass on this. I’m so turned on too.No, Noble. This is poor, even from you. "Do me, I do you"? No bueno.
Nobs : So now, you are going P square on me?
Queen: How ?
Nobs: Do me, I do you.
Queen: Hey NobsThis Amara dude is a standard bastard. Or maybe it wasn't Amara. The other day, my buddy told that if you masturbated before you saw an ex, you think clearly. Maybe Queen masturbated. Maybe Amara is the name of her rabbit. Maybe.
Nobs: Hey Queen. What’s up?
Queen: Nobs, I got talking with Amara and I also did some serious thinking. I suggest that we forget about hooking up tonight. I really think we got carried away earlier today. If we are ever going to come back together, I want something serious. We made a lot of mistakes but we can correct them as adults.
Nobs: I’m so sorry if you think I tried taking advantage of you earlier today. I guess I still have feelings for you. I do want a relationship too but I want it to be right and not close to what we had in the past.
Saturday May 14,2011.
I woke tired and craving popcorn from the Galleria, so I decided to go get some. On my way back I got a call from Kim
Kim : Two of my girlfriends are in town and we are having fun with the boys.
Kim : This is my friend, Joy and she wants to meet you.
Kim : How would like being in the company of 3 naked girls?This Kim babe obviously runs a brothel. Not like I'm judging or anything. My name is not Judy.
I was excited and scared at the same time. I’ve never been with 3 chics but I wasn’t sure if they would have a camera planted.Noble sextape? No, ma'am. I don't think I want to watch Oliver De Coque Lite have sex with women. Wait. What am I saying? My shameless ass would probably watch it.
Kim : come let me show you how much of you that I have missed.Mills & Boon swag. Tales by Moonlight flow.
Kim grabbed me and started kissing me, then one after the other she took off every piece of clothing on me. I didn’t try to stop her but I was also looking behind to make sure that Jenny wasn’t pointing her phone at us. Kim went on her knees and put me in her mouth.
It was bliss and when I thought I had seen it all, Kim said
Kim : Jenny, come and assist me with the balls.
Jenny : Kim,you know that I have not asked you for anything?Do women beg to be "taken" by you? No? Reason #12348938 why Noble > you.
Kim : What do you want?
Jenny : Will you let him take me?
Kim : Not tonight
Jenny; Not just tonight? why?
Kim : maybe tomorrow
Jenny : Are we all hooking up tomorrow?
Kim ; Nobs?
Nobs : We can decide all that later.
Jenny’s phone rang. She picked it and that was when Kim suggested that we should take it to the balcony. She got a condom,slipped it on me and just as she was to guide it in,the unexpected happened ……#ThePreEjaculationStruggle.
Kim: I had a really good time at yours, how do I say “Thank you”Woah! Woah! Wozzalldis? Who is Kim? What happened to Ada?
Nobs: Saying “Thank you” would be enough
Kim: I want to say a “Thank you” you’ll always remember.
Nobs; So what do we do?
Kim: Can you drive while I mouth-ride you?
Nobs: Wow. All the way to Ikoyi?
Kim: If you can hold it, why not?
Nobs: This must be an interesting “Thank you”
...she undid my fly and slipped in her hand. She kept her hands in and few minutes to the toll, she brought it out and lowered her head.
It took the honking from the car behind to bring me back to reality. I didn’t want to get involved in an accident so I begged Kim to chill a bit.I agree with Noble, road head is distracting. I got it once when I driving to Houston some time ago. Kept air high-fiving other drivers on the highway. Apart from this one old lady that gave me this weird stare. She was a hater so it doesn't matter.
With the car parked meters away from her gate, she finished what she started and as HEAD girl Teamswallow, it was a nice Thank You.Spitters are quitters. The gospel according to Noble, the Igwe.
I drove home with different images of KIM on my mind and at some point; I toyed with the idea of stealing her from her boyfriend.You go fear bad goiz. Have you seen Source Code? You how there are a bunch of alternate universes? I bet I'm like Noble in some other alternate universe. This fact alone consoles me. I might not be blocking babes in this universe but in some other universe, the "HEADgirl Teamswallow" is telling me "thank you" in my car.
Last week, some people were pissed that kim is in a relationship and is having an affair with me.Wait! There were memoirs last week? I've obviously been slacking. I'll have ton interrupt this week's memoirs so we can see the origins of this Kim gist. The rest of week 46 is boring anyway.
Nobs: Hey cute boobs
Kim: Hey Hob Nobs
Nobs: The candy special?
Kim: What? I don’t get it
Nobs: I meant, “Hob Nobs candy special” you can’t eat it, but you can suck on it.
Kim: You are such a spoilt child.
Nobs: And I can do things to you
Nobs: Like if you can come to the De marquee, I can show you in the car park.
Nobs: I’m holding things down with my hands.
Kim: Nobs, you are getting me wet. Stop already.
Nobs: Babe, I’m hard and my hardness is like a Christmas ticket to Nigeria
11:55pmHe = Kim's boyfriend
Kim: Hey Nobs, are you awake?
Nobs: erm yes, is everything okay?
Kim : I need you to work me through. He’s done and asleep
Nobs: I don’t get ?Nobs' sex game is obviously > the average man. They don't call him "Noble, the Igwe" for nothing.
Kim: He left me hanging as usual so I’m in the bathroom to take care of me.
Nobs: Pele. Anything for you but if only you had come, we won’t be going having this sort of conversation.
So I called and we were able to make her cum. I know think that many women go through the same thing but I think it’s totally wrong for any man to leave a woman hanging and not even bother to help her in a any way.Always a gentleman. Noble even thinks "Ladies first" in bed. Noble is obviously a better man than I am. I probably would have rolled over and started watching ESPN. #shrug
We finally got to mineI won't lie, the first thing that came to my wind was "alomo and chocomilo".
Kim; have you got my wine and chocolate?
Nobs: let me get em
I got the wine and chocolate. Poured some into her glass and then asked her to take off her dress.
She undressed slowly and was left with only her panties and bra. She bent towards me to get her drink, putting the huge boobs in my direction.
I let her sip some wine, dropped the glass and then I pushed her up against the wall with her back to me.
I asked her not to look back and I picked a cube of ice from the ice bucket, dipped it in wine and used it on her nipples. I could tell she liked it because she tilted her head backwards and kept moaning in small tones.
I moved the ice from her nipples, through her back, down to her thighs and legs leaving a trace of water with my movement.
I went back to retrace the line with my tongue with one hand working her right nipple.
I then gently put her on the bed, dipped a chocolate bar in wine and gave her to eat but as soon as she took a bite, I covered her lips with mine.
Chocolate+exchange of saliva+fingers running through her body= bliss
With every piece of clothing off, I compensated her for all the things that she missed.
It was a night of 4th mainland bridge.