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Tuesday, September 4, 2012

LOLWUT: Nigerian Man Caught With Cocaine-Stuffed Roasted Chicken

A Nigerian mechanic who struggled in Brazil for more than six years had hoped the drugs would buy him a life of luxury in his native land, Nigerian authorities said Monday.
"This was like a retirement plan for him," said Mitchell Ofoyeju, spokesman for the National Drug Law Enforcement Agency.The accused was arrested over the weekend at the airport in Lagos after he came in from Sao Paulo with 2.6 kilograms (5.7 pounds) of cocaine, Ofoyeju said. 
Dude was just going to sell the dope and build him a nice house in the village. I'll bet you $100 that he's Igbo.
The suspect, Vincent Chegini Chinweuwa, could not immediately be reached for comment as he remained in custody Monday.

Monday, September 3, 2012

About Nigerian Men & Girlfriends

Not to be left out, the guys have their say.

They actually stretch the topic a bit.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Friday, July 6, 2012

AfroCandy Is Back? I Think

Last time we saw our heroine she was...actually, I can't remember what AfroCandy put out last. Was it "Who Go Be My Man"? Last thing I remember was her getting twitter to stop me from using her twitter account. I'm still upset, but that vex is for another day.

I don't think she likes the fact that Vic.O and Majela took her shine. Not her fault, I'd be mad if some talentless Calabar cretin took my spotlight despite my big budget videos.

Ah! I see what you did here, AfroCandy.

Anyone catch the autotune on it? AfroCandy came back with an even bigger budget. Maybe that's why she disappeared for a bit. She had to pick up more shifts at Wal-Mart to raise the money. Makes sense.

I don't really like the song or video. The song seems too experimental for me. There wasn't any Igbo in it. She shouldn't stray too far from her strengths. Speaking of strengths, the video isn't as suggestive as her earlier material. This is why I wanted to be her manager, she really needs guidance. She needs to work that cleavage and expose those thighs. Watch the "Ikebe Na Money" video again, that's AfroCandy at her finest. This falls short BIG time.

Can I Get Credit?

I'm pretty sure someone super important reads this blog. Anyone remember this? So, if you want any more ideas, you can feel free to email me. Can I get idea credits too? Or maybe a couple of breakfast tacos as a token of your appreciation?

I really can't wait for these shows to start. I'll definitely do episode recaps. Definitely.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Thin Line Between Pedophilia And Deliverance

I have no problem with religion for the most part. In theory, it's an absolutely beautiful thing. The whole "believing without proof" thing is awesome. However, sometimes it gets to a point where people  lose their rationality in the name of faith. They put their pastors on such lofty pedestals and more often than not, it produces situations like the Oyedepo one.

Or this.
A Pentecostal pastor in Onitsha, Anambra State was on Tuesday detained at the Central Police Station (CPS), Onitsha for allegedly raping an 11-year-old girl while supposedly delivering her from witchcraft.
 I guess you have to fuck the witches out sometimes.
The pastor, whose church is situated at Tasia Road, Inland Town, Onitsha, was said to have told Chioma Onyeji, mother of the rape victim, who was in the church for a spiritual programme to leave the girl behind for some days in order to expel the evil spirit in her.
That "rationality out the window" thing? Yup, this is it right here.
He further said the young girl possessed demonic spirit and witchcraft and consequently insisted that the girl should stay back with him.
How do you when someone's possessed anyway? Is it like an Exorcist-type thing or are there signs that help the identification? Is there a WebMD for the supernatural?
Upon investigation, the girl told her mother that the pastor raped her three times after spreading white cloth on the floor.

Your "WTF of the day". Enjoy!

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Guess Who's Trolling For Dinner


Looks like Linda has done it again. 

The original post has been deleted, but it got copied and pasted on some random Nigerian gossip blog. Why do Nigerian gossip blogs want to be like Linda so bad? They don't even edit the posts. They even copy Linda's silly additions to her posts too. 

I digress. 

The post in question is the standard "Linda is trolling" post. The one where everyone can tell what Linda is getting at, but she's all coy and whatnot. 
See what I'm talking about? Everyone says I'm unnecessarily hard on Linda, but how can you not see this bullshit for what it really is. It's like she's tossing an alley-oop, waiting for the madness in her comment section to begin. I'm not knocking her hustle because posts like this are clearly good for business. My issue here is this rubbish "I only asked a question" shit she pulls. It's so disgustingly insincere.

I guess Linda won.

#FunFact: Curses said while kneeling are more effective than regular curses. 

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Teflon Oyedepo

Remember that "Witch For Jesus" story? I remember sharing it a while ago.

I think I did.  Anyway, if you aren't familiar with it, catch up HERE

Apparently, the girl sued Pastor Oyedepo. She got slapped, she has every right to press charges. That's how it should work. I was on Sahara Reporters* the other day and I found THIS.
The multi billionaire founder of the Living Faith Christian Church International, Bishop David Oyedepo, has denied slapping a young member of his congregation; stating that neither he nor his church could be sued.
Wait. What?

I'm not imagining things, right? He slaps her in that video. Didn't he brag about it too?

It gets better
In a notice of preliminary objection filed at the High Court of Ogun State and made available to PREMIUM TIMES; Bishop Oyedepo maintained that he and his church are "non juristic persons" and therefore asked the court to strike out the suit as it lacked jurisdiction to adjudicate on the matter.
Any lawyers in the house? I don't want to misunderstand anything here. Sounds like he's implying that his church can't be sued.
The church also said that there is no record of anyone called Miss Justice - a sobriquet given to the young lady for the purpose of the suit - in any of its services organized in the past.
But there's a video. I swear I just watched it.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
- Exodus 20:16 

*We're going to ignore the fact that Sahara Reporters is one big fat sketchball site

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Wizkid Brings The Peckham Ratchets To The Yard...

Wizkid is having some competition thing in England. I'd do more research on it, but I'm lazy. The videos, however, are hilarious.

Her makeup. Her Yoruba-cum-British accent. The shirt. Her makeup.

Someone needs to tell these Yoruba girls to chill.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Blog Commenters = Illuminati Ritual Experts

Anuty Linda put up the Jay-Z being pro-gay marriage story. The usual troll baiting and whatnot. The comment section is bound to be gold.

From my early observation, there'll be lots of illuminati experts popping up.

Blog commenters really know things. 

Friday, May 11, 2012

You Searched For...?

I got bored and started looking at the blog's referrals today. People really search for the weirdest things.

I'm really having so much confuse right now.

Thought this one was funny. Nigerians hate Ghanaians because we hate everyone that's not Nigerian and we also like to hate things.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Member's Story

She was my senior in secondary school. Her story is just amazing. Absolutely amazing.

On the 26th of August 2011, Member Feese (pronounced mem-bay fey-say) was involved in a bomb blast at the UN Building which left 19 people dead at the time and many seriously injured. The incident left her with life threatening injuries, which forced her immediate evacuation to London for proper care and treatment. Indeed Member was given only a 3% chance of survival when she arrived the hospital in London.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

No Country For Goldie

So...this got brought to my attention. I'm so sad right now.
Am I alone on this or is it just that we can’t get enough of Goldie.
You're definitely alone on this one.

Yup, definitely OYO.
The talented Nigerian pop sensation recently released her 2012/2013 Zodiac Calendar where she displays different personas for each of the 12 zodiac signs.
*emphasis mine

Bella Naija really needs to chill. Pop sensation? Has anyone heard her songs? She looks like the Dollar Store Nicki Minaj.

On sale.

And we all know Nicki is homeless man's Lady Gaga. So Goldie is...?

But, that's not even why I'm so upset. Look at this nonsense,


It's not like she had no bull pictures or anything.

It's like she just sat there and decided to make up her own zodiac. Look, she's dressed as a bumblebee for pisces,

I'm really upset and I don't think I can voice my feelings with words anymore. So I'll just let my boy Reh Dogg tell you how I really feel.

We can't let Goldie get away with this.

Ghana Really Needs To Go


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Are You A "Pusssing" Babe?

It's really hard not to hate on Davido. Off 3 songs, he has headlined shows and now he's getting endorsements.

Yes, I'm a hater.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Excuse Me, Mr Banjo

By now, you guys should have heard about D'Banj's name change. If you haven't, you must be living under a rock...or you don't have twitter, which is kinda like the same thing.

I can totally see the thought process. D'Banj is trying to appeal to his "American" fans, so he is changing his name to something they can pronounce. Nothing unprecedented, I mean, Charlie Sheen was born "Carlos Estevez". Or maybe D'Banj wanted to impress this guy,

Let's ignore the fact that no man with braids has been prosperous this year. They're "label" mates, so they're like buddies. Maybe there have been problems pronouncing the name and D'Banj got tired of it all.


What's this?
Over the past few weeks Dapo Daniel Oyebanjo aka D’Banj has experienced a series of vicious hacks on several of his social networking sites including his Facebook page and more recently, his Twitter of which his account name was wrongfully changed.
-Vanessa Amadi, D'Banj's PR


In all of recorded history, hackers have never said any of the following:

  1. "I'm bored, I should hack D'Banj's twitter"
  2. "Oh man, I just learned to hack. I should start from D'Banj's twitter account"
  3. I"'m going to hack the bank account of these "SNLoveHate" kids"
Trust me, I've checked. I've done the research.

Seriously, if you hacked D'Banj's twitter, would you "JUST" change the name. I don't know about you, but I'd do way worse. I'd slander the fuck out of Don Jazzy and I'd have the most condescending "ff bk" rejections, just like those #NigerianTwitter big babes.

"I was hacked" must be 2012's version of "It was the devil". D'Banj and his people must think we're complete imbeciles.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

ChamPAYNE what?

A Reality TV Series that documents the life of Toni Payne; a Public Relations Executive, Entertainment Consultant, Online Radio Owner, Socialite, Makeup Brand Owner and Mother.

Who is Toni Payne?

Why does she get a reality show before I do?

I've been lobbying for my own reality show for like....forever. My life is super interesting, I am devilishly handsome, and I have the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen. WHAT MORE DO THEY WANT?

Forget me for a second, isn't this the first Nigerian reality show? Forget Big Brother, that was a little to real. I mean like "Jersey Shore" real. I had waaaay better ideas.

For The Love of Linda - Self explanatory. Trying to find a husband for serial spinster, Linda Ikeji. I already made a promo poster and everything.

The Island - show chronicling the lives of several rich kids that live on the Island. Must have attended a private secondary school and gone to college in America or England. Nobody cares about Canada.

Noble Headmaster - Follows Noble and his BFF, Ebuka, on their various Lagos exploits. It'll be like Noble's blog in real life. We might have to pay some women to find him attractive, however.

Buj - about several aristo girls in Abuja their sugar daddies. A bit like those "Real Housewives of ..." shows. I'm surprised no one has came up with this one already/

Real Housewives of Festac - Hahahaha jk jk. Nobody cares about the mainland.

Commenter battles - we get commenters from Aunty Linda's blog and Ladun's blog. Make them fight to the  finish.

So yeah,
"ChamPAYNE Life" can eat shit.

Monday, March 19, 2012

My Daughter Is Probably Studying Right Now...


She took it like a champ. Got right up and went back to work.

Doesn't Davido have just 3 songs? He gets shows in other countries off that? Can't even knock his hustle.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Reason #373093 You Aren't Married


Inner beauty is what counts, women!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

I'm So Confused

Can someone please tell what's going on here? I'm really really confused. It's not like she was aiming for her mouth and missed.
Is this like a "thing"? Can someone in the know explain?

Sidenote: She has great tits.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Aunty Linda: Relationship Expert

Spinster of year, Linda Ikeji, dropped some gems on twitter yesterday.

Gossip blogger by day, relationship counselor by night.


Not all doom and gloom, however.


Burnnnnnnnnn. Take it, hater. Whoever you are.


Casting for "For The Love of Linda" is starting anytime soon. Candidates should fire us an email.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Dear Gossip Bloggers

Nobody is forcing you to put up anything. 
You don't have to explain anything to us. Just post your trash and keep it moving.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Witch For Jesus

You guys have probably heard about the whole "Witch For Jesus" thing.  Full bants here

This is the actual event,

Pastor bragging about it,

But, that's not the point of this post. I want you guys to listen to this

I don't think I've laughed so hard in my life. I'm in tears.

This Really Happened

Isn't PM News one of the top 5 papers in Nigeria? This is really on their website. Seriously.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

So...about Ibori

You guys should know about the Ibori case by now. If you don't, catch up here.

Too lazy to click?

Well, he stole about $250 million while in government.


Yes, seven zeros.

But, that's not all. Apparently, he didn't plead "guilty". Or he did, but not really.
Ibori did not want a long-drawn trial where Nigeria’s name would be bandied about in a foreign court.
-Tony Eluemunor (Ibori's Media Assistant)

Ibori loves Nigeria so much that didn't want Nigeria's name trashed in foreign court. However, stealing $250,000,000 is totally cool.

Yes, seven zeros.

Roongroj Saengsastra, the 33rd richest man in Thailand, is worth $250,000,000.
What matters to Ibori is that all corruption charges were dropped by the London Police for lack of evidence. Any claim that any corruption charge he is facing is pure propaganda. He did not plead guilty to any corruption charge.
Propaganda? Really? This is propaganda?

Dr. Dre (producer extraordinaire, part owner of those Beats headphones) is worth $250,000,000.
The British and the Nigerian establishments have been driving this case to a pre-determined end, and a battle weary Ibori was advised to plead guilty, end what had promised to be a long-drawn trial, and begin to rebuild his life which had been tossed about in an ocean of legal controversy and trials because of politics— since 2003, that is nine long years ago. Also, Ibori did not want a long-drawn trial where Nigeria’s name would be bandied about in a forign court.
God, these people must think we're stupid.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

More Comment Section Fun

I found this new blog, Ladun Liadi, and the comment section is a bajillion times better than Aunty Linda's. Sounds impossible, I know.

Miss Ladun, probably a blog commenter turned blogger, put up those Davido pictures that were floating around Nigerian Twitter the other day.
I'm guessing "holes" = whores.

Before I go any further, Miss Ladun gave us some sort of disclaimer at the end of the post.

Nothing interesting but you posted it. Just "your job". Sureeeeee.


Monday, February 27, 2012

Study Shows Average LIB Commenter Is A Moron

Aunty Linda put up something about some transgender person and...


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Shit Nigerian Mothers Say

This is actually hilarious.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Jesus Be A Husband

Oh. Hey there! Umm...Merry New Year? Sorry for the lack of updates? Whatever, you'll get over yourselves. 

So I was on my usual hunting grounds today. Aunty Linda's blog obviously. I noticed our beloved spinster, Miss Ikeji, has refused to tuck her desperate in
He's so cute. Is he single? *cough*Lol, I'm just kidding o! I dey play play! The last time I wrote this, I started getting mails from guys. I am playing o! I'm kinda desperate, but not as desperate as I sound. lol. 
This isn't the first time Aunty Linda has sent a subliminal message to her spirit boyfriend. She dropped this gem last year,
Everytime you see a society wedding, it's one rich man's son marrying another rich man's daughter. Why can't an Otudeko or an Akiolu marry an Ikeji for instance? LMAO!


But I think I have a solution, however. 

Genius, I know. If your daddy works for AIT, tell him to hit me up because I come up with these ideas all day. 

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Happy New Year!

I'm not going to share my opinion on this subsidy thing because I'm an idiot and I really don't know anything.  However, I do agree that our government should be held accountable for its actions. I do have an issue with the "Occupy" movement. Let's ignore the fact that the "Occupy Wall Street" movement that it mimics was a colossal failure. I have an issue with the headless nature of the movement. Do remember that I am an idiot and I am probably misinformed, but shouldn't the average idiot, like myself, be able to identify a clear leader from a distance?

On twitter, I see El-Rufai encouraging Nigerians to keep challenging the government. He might have a point, but let's not forget how shady his tenure as FCT minister was. Boko Haram apparently "supports" the cause, but let's not forget they are a terrorist organization that have taken lots of innocent lives.

The "Occupy Nigeria" movement needs an identifiable leader and a clear set of objectives. It also needs to distance itself from shady support. As for fellow idiots, if you're not about that protest life, please chill somewhere. No need for senseless martyrdom.