Rant No.5 - Holiday Likes and Hates

So obviously you've noticed that we haven't posted in a while. This is because, we are Nigerians. And we study for our finals like good children, because our parents would not accept us back at home otherwise. And then comes the holiday season, when we typically go home, see family and friends, eat good food and neglect everything else. So, very briefly, to usher in 2009, I offer a few Holiday Likes and Hates.

Nigerians like coming home for Christmas...
... but hate having to wait 3 hours for their luggage at MMA (Murtala Mohammed Airport), and then fending off rabid money changers asking if you have "dollars" on their way to the car.

Nigerians like eating Christmas food...
... but hate having to haggle for half an hour with food sellers who charge "Christmas price" (rather, ridiculously inflated price) for a malnourished turkey.
... Nigerians also hate people who refuse to pay the "Christmas price" - they think they're stingy.

Nigerians love ushering the New Year with fireworks and bangers...
... but hate having to run to avoid getting hit by fireworks and bangers.

... Sorry, can't think of anything else. Too much jollof rice and chicken... lol. Feel free to add your own holiday likes/hates.

Special Hate of the Day: Sosoliso Airlines

They cut corners to maximise profits in an industry as delicately dangerous as aviation. They gambled on an old damaged plane and murdered 60 Nigerian children in the process.

Seriously, need we say more?

Rant No.4 - Teh Ghey Agenda

Nigerians are homophobic but there are some of us that think we know better and aren’t. But those guys are full of shit and they are no fun anyway. Girls with gay best friends are as bad as girls with fat best friends. You whores know you become instantly hotter when you hang out with such unless the guy in question has a weird fat fetish. Which is totally acceptable…like really…big girls need love too…ok, I’ll shut up now because my foot is way down my throat that it might just induce barf.

My aunt thinks there’s a gay conspiracy in Hollywood and the sudden inclusion of gay people on TV is part of the supreme plan to draw all hetero people to the ghey side. I love my aunt to death and I wish she was my mother but that has to be the most ludicrous claim I’ve heard since I claimed that Osama Bin Laden attacked America because America was approaching Sodom and Gomorrah levels. Yes, I have my own history of blatant homophobia.



I don’t blame Nigerians for being homophobic. There aren’t that many gay people in Nigeria so it is easy to be taken aback by two dudes making out. Note I said “dudes” because with girls it’s completely different. Two girls making out with in public could either be
1. Attention seeking whores or
2. Drunk attention seeking whores.


But not lesbians because lesbians don’t play that shit. And real lesbians aren’t that hot anyway.


Nigerians and the ghey community are just like Anglo Americans and their Negro counterparts. It might look like they get along but they inherently dislike each other. But I voted for Obama and my best friend is black so I can’t be racist. Well, I know a gay guy and we were on the same beer pong team. He even smacked my ass when we won…no homo.

Rant No.3 - Sex **Nosa's Take**

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST MIGHT MAKE UNWARRANTED GENERALIZATIONS



I don’t think Sugabelly did this topic too much justice so I feel I ought to drop my $0.02, which is the most I’m dropping until I get paid on Friday.

I want to make something very clear: NIGERIANS DO NOT HATE SEX. If there’s anything our HIV/AIDS rate tells me, it’s that we love the fuck out of sex.

Then, what is the problem with Nigerians and sex?

Nigerians are generally uptight as fuck and we have our heads way up our assholes. That’s the only logical way I can explain why my mum sent me check on the stew because I demanded to know where babies came from.

Do you know when I got the sex talk? Use protection? Dad, you should have told me that way before prom. I might have AIDS or herpes (I joke…I joke… Don’t take me off your BILF –Bloggers I’d like to fuck – list).

I don’t think this should be restricted to sex. Look at PDA (Public Displays of Affection), I think you got detention for this in high school. Boys and girls couldn’t even sit together at movie time.

I don’t even feel safe making “that’s what she said” jokes with Nigerians.
Naija Girl: …but, I came early.
Me: Haha, that’s what she said…it’s funny because it’s true.
Naija Girl: You are just gross. Abeg get your mind out of the gutter.
My mind is in the gutter? Then how on earth did you know what I meant if it was only my mind the gutter, you fucking self righteous whore!

Uptight and conservative? Jenna Bush would like to disagree.

Rant No.3 - Sex

...or so they would like you to believe.

"Girl flogged for Having Premarital Sex"
"Sex Video Causes Outrage in Nigeria's Muslim North"
"We Preach Abstinence not Condom"

Headlines like these abound on the national newspapers of Nigeria, although you'd expect a country's press to be representative of the local life, in actuality, Nigerians fuck like rabbits.

And they like it too.

They just don't like to talk about it or even admit it. If you want to get along with Nigerians, never EVER mention, discuss or allude to sex, but make sure you lead a rampant sex life and have as many lovers as you possibly can. When the rumours about your erstwhile activities begin to circulate, deny them furiously and include a few finger-lick-tongue-touch-to-ground-then-air swears and call in the Almighty as your witness, then promptly be seen in church for the next six months. This will win you widespread approval from all Nigerians around.

Never admit to anything, but screw with alacrity. If you can manage not to get/get anyone pregnant and then end up engaged to a man/woman from a wealthy/prominent family in the process, then you will win the undying admiration of all the Nigerians you know.

Rant No. 2 - Tipping

Before I start, I want everyone who claims to have tipped in Nigeria to get their fake, pompous, elitist, classier-than-thou shit out of here. Kindly click on the red “X” on the top left corner of your Internet Explorer, because I know that’s what you pompous philistines use.

Tipping sucks and I don’t know a single Nigerian that tips without batting an eyelid. I feel like I lose a piece of me whenever I tip. From the $2ish at iHop to the $10ish at P.F. Chang’s, it all sucks donkey balls. The closest thing I came to tipping was telling the Mr. Biggs cashier to keep the five naira change because it was too dirty.

I remember freshman year, I had no debit card so I carried about a thousand in hundreds in my wallet (I don’t trust banks if you were wondering). I was with a couple of friends at some dingy ass motherfucking Mexican restaurant. The service was shit, like really fucking crappy. I only got refilled like once for the whole meal. The check comes, and I drop my hundred on the table.

Waitress: Do you want any change?
Me: Well…yes…all $80 of it (meal was $20 – it was freshman year so I ordered food like a moron)
Waitress: Ok

So she brings the change back to the table and I sent it straight to my wallet.

No qualms, right?

What followed was just plain fucking ridiculous.

Friend A: Dude, aren’t you tipping?
Friend B: Yea dude. Don’t they tip in Nigeria?

*Note: The waitress was at the next table taking an order so she heard this conversation*

Me: No
Friend B: why?
Me: The service was shitty. I’ll only tip for good service.

I’m desperately trying to cover my crudeness with a fairly decent excuse but my friends are fucking assholes so they won’t let it go

Friend B: What is shitty service?
Friend A: Do you know how badly they get paid?

At this point every other person in our groups is attacking me. It was like the adulterer in the bible with a twist: all my self-righteous friends decide they are without sin so they decide to cast stones. As you can see, I couldn’t muster a response. These bastards weren’t letting up so I was metaphorically curled in fetal position ala Rex Grossman.
I honestly don’t see why I have to tip. If there is a problem with pay then they should take it to management not my wallet.

In case you were wondering, I’ve been tipping ever since but I’ve developed a special set of rules.

• Hot female waitress = 5% of purchase + phone number
• Troll looking waitress = No tip
• Nice waiter/waitress = 4% of purchase + gay friend’s number
• Douche waiter/waitress = No tip + gay friend’s number

Seems to be working for me but no calls yet. Maybe I should up that to 10%.

Rant No. 1 - On Perceptions of Africa

Disclaimer: This post is meant only for the people who ask the dumb questions. Kudos to those people who know what Africa is really like, or have the decency to ask about it in a non-derogatory way.

Okay, so maybe I came from a high school were there were a lot of smart people, but as a Nigerian in America, I hate stupid questions and comments about where I come from. You know what I’m talking about :
“Oh, you speak such good English!” (Yes, because I’ve been speaking it all my life. Bitch.)
“Oh, your house! You mean like a hut, right?” (Yeah, with a giraffe in the backyard.)

I mean, well and fine, people can’t know everything. But seriously, the US has to start taking responsibility for the education of its people. I fail to see how the most powerful nation in the world can be home to some of the biggest idiots. Like the people who truly believe that Obama is a terrorist, and a Muslim. The candidates aren’t even bothering to educate their supporters about their rivals. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I’d want people who think Obama’s the Antichrist voting for me. People would think I’m stupid too.

Let me set the record straight: Most African countries were independent states by the 1970s. We had cars, electricity, booming economies, and Beatles records. We now have movie theaters, satellite television, and high-speed internet. We have fashion labels, record labels, and iPhones. We have probably watched a lot of the same TV shows that you’ve watched, only maybe a year or two later than they were originally aired. We SPEAK ENGLISH. It is a requirement that non-U.S. citizens coming to the US for college prove that they have a mastery of the English language, or have been taught in English for the last 3 years of high school. We are SMART. Why do you think there are so many of us over here in the first place? Our parents are educated, a lot of them with college and masters’ degrees. They do not wear loincloths, or sleep on mats next to wood fires. I know how to use cutlery, but sometimes I will forgo it for the sake of convenience. Africa is not a COUNTRY, for God’s sake, people. It is a continent, with many nations that are not only diverse collectively, but have a lot of diversity within themselves as well. Nigeria alone has over 150 ethinc groups, and over 200 different languages and dialects.

Anyway, if you have the internet, that means you have access to Wikipedia. LOOK IT UP. And next time think before you ask me if I live in a tree. Asshole.