Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Rant No. 2 - Tipping
Before I start, I want everyone who claims to have tipped in Nigeria to get their fake, pompous, elitist, classier-than-thou shit out of here. Kindly click on the red “X” on the top left corner of your Internet Explorer, because I know that’s what you pompous philistines use.
Tipping sucks and I don’t know a single Nigerian that tips without batting an eyelid. I feel like I lose a piece of me whenever I tip. From the $2ish at iHop to the $10ish at P.F. Chang’s, it all sucks donkey balls. The closest thing I came to tipping was telling the Mr. Biggs cashier to keep the five naira change because it was too dirty.
I remember freshman year, I had no debit card so I carried about a thousand in hundreds in my wallet (I don’t trust banks if you were wondering). I was with a couple of friends at some dingy ass motherfucking Mexican restaurant. The service was shit, like really fucking crappy. I only got refilled like once for the whole meal. The check comes, and I drop my hundred on the table.
Waitress: Do you want any change?
Me: Well…yes…all $80 of it (meal was $20 – it was freshman year so I ordered food like a moron)
So she brings the change back to the table and I sent it straight to my wallet.
No qualms, right?
What followed was just plain fucking ridiculous.
Friend A: Dude, aren’t you tipping?
Friend B: Yea dude. Don’t they tip in Nigeria?
*Note: The waitress was at the next table taking an order so she heard this conversation*
Friend B: why?
Me: The service was shitty. I’ll only tip for good service.
I’m desperately trying to cover my crudeness with a fairly decent excuse but my friends are fucking assholes so they won’t let it go
Friend B: What is shitty service?
Friend A: Do you know how badly they get paid?
At this point every other person in our groups is attacking me. It was like the adulterer in the bible with a twist: all my self-righteous friends decide they are without sin so they decide to cast stones. As you can see, I couldn’t muster a response. These bastards weren’t letting up so I was metaphorically curled in fetal position ala Rex Grossman.
I honestly don’t see why I have to tip. If there is a problem with pay then they should take it to management not my wallet.
In case you were wondering, I’ve been tipping ever since but I’ve developed a special set of rules.
• Hot female waitress = 5% of purchase + phone number
• Troll looking waitress = No tip
• Nice waiter/waitress = 4% of purchase + gay friend’s number
• Douche waiter/waitress = No tip + gay friend’s number
Seems to be working for me but no calls yet. Maybe I should up that to 10%.