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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Rant No. 2 - Tipping

Before I start, I want everyone who claims to have tipped in Nigeria to get their fake, pompous, elitist, classier-than-thou shit out of here. Kindly click on the red “X” on the top left corner of your Internet Explorer, because I know that’s what you pompous philistines use.

Tipping sucks and I don’t know a single Nigerian that tips without batting an eyelid. I feel like I lose a piece of me whenever I tip. From the $2ish at iHop to the $10ish at P.F. Chang’s, it all sucks donkey balls. The closest thing I came to tipping was telling the Mr. Biggs cashier to keep the five naira change because it was too dirty.

I remember freshman year, I had no debit card so I carried about a thousand in hundreds in my wallet (I don’t trust banks if you were wondering). I was with a couple of friends at some dingy ass motherfucking Mexican restaurant. The service was shit, like really fucking crappy. I only got refilled like once for the whole meal. The check comes, and I drop my hundred on the table.

Waitress: Do you want any change?
Me: Well…yes…all $80 of it (meal was $20 – it was freshman year so I ordered food like a moron)
Waitress: Ok

So she brings the change back to the table and I sent it straight to my wallet.

No qualms, right?

What followed was just plain fucking ridiculous.

Friend A: Dude, aren’t you tipping?
Friend B: Yea dude. Don’t they tip in Nigeria?

*Note: The waitress was at the next table taking an order so she heard this conversation*

Me: No
Friend B: why?
Me: The service was shitty. I’ll only tip for good service.

I’m desperately trying to cover my crudeness with a fairly decent excuse but my friends are fucking assholes so they won’t let it go

Friend B: What is shitty service?
Friend A: Do you know how badly they get paid?

At this point every other person in our groups is attacking me. It was like the adulterer in the bible with a twist: all my self-righteous friends decide they are without sin so they decide to cast stones. As you can see, I couldn’t muster a response. These bastards weren’t letting up so I was metaphorically curled in fetal position ala Rex Grossman.
I honestly don’t see why I have to tip. If there is a problem with pay then they should take it to management not my wallet.

In case you were wondering, I’ve been tipping ever since but I’ve developed a special set of rules.

• Hot female waitress = 5% of purchase + phone number
• Troll looking waitress = No tip
• Nice waiter/waitress = 4% of purchase + gay friend’s number
• Douche waiter/waitress = No tip + gay friend’s number

Seems to be working for me but no calls yet. Maybe I should up that to 10%.


  1. What are those guys in the picture doing?

  2. i don't tip if service sucks. or if i'm getting take out, unless i go there often. but seriously man, the standard tip is 15%, so don't expect any calls unless you're willing to drop the cash.

  3. @Doja
    The picture is depicts the proverbial fetal curl. A position assumed by quarterbacks to avoid being hit hard on a sack.
    If you aren't into football then you probably don't get it.

    I go 10% on the odd occasion when i'm eating out with the woman or when the waiteress is really hot or i know the waitress

  4. They look really silly and I really hate American football...don't have a clue what they do!

  5. I love this blog already... had a good laugh about the tipping issue. yeah, am too young to

  6. I am so with you on the tipping issue, cabdrivers and restaurants alike....I had a friend (RIP) who always got on my case for that though, we could never go out to eat and not having an argument upon leaving...but I still don't get why I have to tip for sb. doing THEIR job...

  7. I don't tip.. ever. I'm sorry but it's annoying the way the waiters/delivery guys DEMAND the tip as if it is a God-given right.

    Isn't that why it's called a 'tip'?

  8. Damn...Y'all need to tip. That's not cool..

  9. LMAO u r really funny!

    There's obviously nothing wrong with tipping BUT it shudnt be FORCED or DEMANDED as Sugabelly said...i only tip when i have money to spare.

  10. That's fucked up. Waiters get paid about $2-3 an hour instead of the $8 minimum wage because the government expects the rest to be made up in tips (which get taxed, btw). Taking it up with the management won't help them at all, they'll just keep getting screwed over by the govt and by people who refuse to tip. Yeah, it's messed up that part of their wages are coming out of your pocket, but don't justify your refusal to tip. It's just plain stingy, and trust, you'll be remembered, and not in a good way.

  11. You remind me Of Mr. Pink In Reservoir dogs. The scene at the beginning of the movie, it's also about tipping. check it out when you get a chance

  12. I definitely tip at least 15% of the total check depending on the bill. If the bill was about $10.00 I have been known to tip up to 50% just because I feel bad for them and I hope if I am ever in that situation I would also get generous tips.