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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Nigerian Governor's Guide to Handling Rape Cases

I'm pretty sure most you have heard of the ABSU gang rape case. Sugabelly has covered it extensively, you should take a look at her blog and see if there's any way you can help. I don't think Nigerian governors are equipped to handle situations like this so I figured I'd help. It's the least I can do. I mean, they won't let me vote so I have to contribute in some way, don't I?

So, you are sitting at your desk and you get a call from an aide telling you that some girl was violently raped by 5 boys. Actually, scratch that. Nigerian governors don't sit at desks. You're doing something super important, like negotiating a big contract or watching your favorite team on Supersport, and you get a call from one of your aides delivering the horrible news.

What do you do?

What else are you going to to do? Deny it, dummy! Nigerians don't rape people, are you stupid?
The Abia State Government has carried out an investigation on this matter and the truth is that, the alleged video never emanated from the university. The victim and the perpetrators are not students of Abia State University. Those associating ABSU with such barbaric visor should please desist from such. The university is safe for academic activities as known for. Thank you Nnaji Obed Asiegbu S A to the Abia State Governor on E-Governance
Look at that statement. Can't go wrong with that. The people still don't believe you? Blame your political opponents. Call it a "satanic falsehood" and a "tissue* of lies". It's Nigeria, you're successful so you have haters and your haters want to see you fail. It makes sense.  Why won't your haters make up such a despicable story? Bad bele people.

The people are still complaining? You have one trick up your sleeve, my friend. Trust me, it's absolutely genius.

 Get your wife to deny it too. I KNOW!!! My mind is blown too. Make it extra official like this,
The Office of Her Excellency, wishes to make it categorically clear that available report from the leadership of the University said that there was no such inglorious act and ugly incident in the institution.
His Excellency, Chief T. A. Orji, the Executive Governor of Abia State has investigated and still investigating the allegation. However, we appeal that the victim should help by giving a lead to enable government bring perpetrators to book.
Her Excellency has been at the forefront of championing the course of womanhood and promoting the Girl Child Education, Kicking against Child trafficking and Abuse, Teenage Pregnancy and Child Labour, and would therefore stop at nothing to bring the perpetrators to face the long arm of the law if allegation if found to be true even if happened outside the institution.
The report as a matter of necessity, justice and fair play should be substantiated with facts in the interest of our society.
Mrs Mercy Odochi Orji
Wife of the Governor,
Abia State.
And there you have it folks. That's how you handle a rape case if you're a governor. Fantastic, isn't it?

*I bet it's really soft tissue like charmin. 


  1. A petitions tarted in the hopes that a difference will be made. Please sign it and pass it on.

  2. #APetitions. yeah click on the link and sign :)

  3. Because Petitioning to this Governor will do anything.

  4. Why don't you do Memoirs of a Nobskid anymore? :(

  5. @Anon

    Noble started boring me. If it gets better, I might start again.