Planking Is What?

Found this inside the twitters.

Moron Of The Day

Nicholas Okoh, here, wants Nigeria to withdraw from the UN because the UN "recognizes" gay marriage. This is, apparently, in reaction to the Malawi gay marriage case. I don't know about you, but I think sentencing a gay couple to 14 years for getting married is some sort of human rights violation. Uganda was just about to criminalize homosexuality. Sentencing you to death for being gay. 

So Nick is saying that Nigeria should leave the UN because the UN chooses to defend these people? I don't understand how you can support the actions of Uganda and Malawi with a clear conscience. I doubt Jesus would have suggested these "punishments".

Religion poisons everything, word to Hitchens. 

On a funnay note, watch Ugandans shit themselves over teh ghey.

Pun intended.

Hello There!

Hello there!

Yes, you. 

You that I'm looking at. 

I'm taking a break from seducing you to introduce myself. Can't you be grateful?

Anyway, the name is Goodnews. I'm sure you can guess why but if you haven't, I'll let you know in a bit. 

You've met my friends before.

Lusty Lisa

"Humbule" Flora

Stunning Stella

Anyway, back to me. 

You see these things on my chest?

That's the gospel. 

The Good News. 

Memoirs of a Nobskid IX

So I was super hyped about this week's installment then I checked my mail. Netflix just sent me the second season of Californication. So...yeah...my mind isn't completely in this.

Before I begin, #NigerianPeopleTwitter got hip to planking yesterday. I'm just going to save everyone the stress and put out the press release for the federal government.

Back to the business of the day.

So there I was standing beside a TALLER man, who drives a RANGE ROVER and who was probably in love with the babe I was thinking of making the mother of my children.

Look on the bright side, Noble. You have a bigger head and probably more chest hair. That's what women are into these days. As for the Range Rover...it's not environmentally friendly, bitches love environmentally friendly.

I tried to convince myself that Zoba did not seem like a materialistic person. I mean she’s from a rich home and would likely go with the man with a bright future – ME.

Bright future. Chest hairier future. Same difference.

But then, there are no very few women out there who are willing to pitch their tent with a “starter”. You may not admit it but the days of “We can start life in your BQ apartment” are far-gone and are now replaced with “It’s better to cry in a RANGE ROVER than on a bike”. I know some of you may be thinking that I’m preaching modest beginnings because of Iti’s RR, you are wrong… but not totally wrong.

Whether na one naira...

...I was in no mood to discuss anything long with Iti. I know his type and what they can do. He may want to start treating me like Zoba’s younger brother and that may include suggestions such as paying for my drinks and so on.

Paying for drinks. Taking you to Ice Cream Factory. Buying you recharge card. Yeah, it could get super weird.

So Chidi was not only tall and richer, going by the phone call, he had also been approved by Zoba’s mum.

Approved by the mother? Yeah, you are shit out of luck, Noble. No amount of chest hair can trump that one.

Immediately we got to her room. He put the bags inside the wardrobe, opened the bathrooms to check what he did not put there. Trust me, I was not beefing but dude was over doing the boyfriend stuff.

And as if that was not enough, he then asked what we would like to have for lunch?
Zoba: Buzor, what do you suggest?
Nobs: It depends. I don’t know how much African food that you’ve had but if you need something Nigerian, I’ll suggest Jevenik.
Chidi: I don’t think she will like Jevenik. It’s usually for people who eat a lot and I think they cook with White maggi. You have to be careful with the food you eat here in Lagos because of food poisoning. I will suggest we order the plantain and snail here. It’s really good and filling.

Damn. Did he just shit on Noble's suggestion? Chidi is harsh, yo.

Zoba: Buzor, is that any good?
Nobs: That’s good too.
Zoba: Chidi, I’m suspecting you ooo. You have not even stayed that long in Nigeria since you moved back and you already know all the restaurants and the type of seasoning they use.
Chidi: Biko, afom dim nkpa but none of them can even compare to your cooking. 

WASHEEEEN!!!!!!

 Zoba: Nobs, your mum said you play in entertainment, what area?
Chidi: Ah I don’t know any of your songs.
Nobs: It’s because they only play my songs at Jevenik restaurant.

Hahahahahahah. ZING!

By that time, I’d had it and was about to go all rude on him when she walked in.

Ooooooh. I wonder who "she" is.

Biola walked into the restaurant with Amala following her behind as if I was not having a bad day already. 

Amala again? What does Noble look like again?

Ok, I just needed to jog my memory a bit. 

Chidi: Oh boy, nna. You just dey enjoy this town alone with your madam.
Amala: It’s not like that
Biola: Hey Nobs
Chidi: Oh you know each other.

Well...this could get interesting.

Iti, Amala and Biola on the same table? I don’t go to church every Sunday but I prayed and asked God to deliver me.

...and this week's prayer point is....

Igbo People Never Win (NSFW)

That's why.

This is like Majela with n00ds, which would have been totally cool if he had hot wimmenz.

Igbo people, why?

I was cool with AfroCandy. Honest.

Dude used wordart to make his effects. :(

The women? Why did he have to get Sun Girls as his video hooers?

I need a minute...



UPDATE:...I'm back. I think Speedy Darlington dropped us a comment. Be nice, folks.

Too Much "Liars"

Why you gotta "liaring" tho?

Sidenote: Please, download this album. It's free and it's pretty damn good. If it sucks, I'll give you back your $Free.99

What Are Your Statistics?

Intelligence.

Smartness.

Self confidence.

UPDATE: The video has been taken down, unfortunately. It's a sad day on the Internet.

Memoirs of a Nobskid VIII

Ok, I need a personal assistant now. Someone to remind me when Noble puts his memoirs up since I always forget to check. I promise if you remind me, I'll give you my personal twitter. I always put up nekkid pictures of myself too, I swear I'm entertaining.

Speaking of twitter, people always make fun of Noble on twitter. This makes me a very sad panda. Recently, it was Noble's choice of baffs. I wouldn't wear anything he wears, but that doesn't make it bad. It just means Baby Gap had a fantastic sale and Noble was in the area.I think Noble is a very fashionable man. Dude is so damn sprezzy, he's like the Nigerian Steezus Christ.

But that's not why why we are here. Where were we?

Oh, that Biola girl decided she wanted some Noble peen.

#PAUSE

Sunday May 15, 2011.
I have been in all sorts of situation but I can’t remember anything close to this. For some of you reading this that have been caught with other people’s husband or wife, I know you can relate to this. 

Way to exclude me, Noble.

For me, it was a different experience all together. Come to think of it, let’s say you are cheating on your wife with her best friend and one day she walks in on you two, what will your first reaction be? Something like ‘”Please it was the devil” and then as usual, the lady will use her hands to cover her boobs while saying “Titi, is not what you think”. Like really? It’s not what I think? What makes you think you know what she’s thinking or that she could even think in such a state?

Beats me too. If I got caught cheating, I'd just tell her that I got hacked. Blaming the devil is so last year anyway.

Nobs: Hold on.
(I excused my self and went into my bathroom)
Biola: On your street. Come down
Nobs: I’m not home at the moment.
(Bee, I know you will be mad while reading this but I did it to save my face. I was scared that you might start a fight or walk out on me so I had to lie. If you read this, I hope you understand)
Biola: Where are you? I’m in front of your house.
Nobs: You didn’t say you were coming, boo
Biola: Ok. Let me know when you are back.

This won't end well.

I flushed the toilet to form activity but as soon as I was done with that, my phone rang again.
Nobs: Boo
Biola: don’t boo me anything, you liar.
Nobs: What did I do now?
Biola: Just as I was about to turn your gateman informed me that you are in?
Nobs: He must high on Cossy Orjiako breast milk. I left about 30mins ago.
Biola: Nobs, tell me the truth, are you upstairs fucking that girl I saw you with at ICF?
Nobs: No (I didn’t lie because at that point I was in the toilet and not on top of her)
Biola: You know what? I will wait for you downstairs until you get back.

Called it!

So I did a wise thing, I walked back into the room and ofcos Shirls was fully dressed. She was looking at me without saying anything.
Nobs: Hey, I have messed up a lot and I just need to be straight forward with you. The lady I saw at ICF is someone I’ve been seeing but we had a bit of an issue and she was calling so that we can sort it out. I’m so sorry I put you through this and if you want to go, I totally understand.
Shirls: Nobs, being truthful is all that matters. Sort yourself out and I’ll be waiting.
That moment, Shirls won my heart and I regretted the moments that I had lied to her. I walked to the living room to handle my issue.

Aww. Shirls isn't such a whore.

When I got back to the room, we were no longer in the mood for sex and we ended up going to the galleria for a movie.
To be frank, it was a totally new experience and I began to appreciate Shirls for the pretty lady that she is.

Me too, Noble. Me too.

You know after what I went through and the blue balls that followed, I considered picking up a sister for chatting purposes ONLY but what my headlamp caught was different. 

Chatting what? Noble, we don't believe you, you need more people.

She was wearing the shortest skirt showing a huge part of her panties and her boobs were supporting her neck. There was no way she could see her feet as her boobs would have blocked her view.
I thought about stopping but decided that phone sex would pay me more. So I did just that.

This makes no sense. First, Noble just wanted to just have a conversation with the prostitute, maybe with  a little chest hair titillation. Said prostitute had huge tiddays but Noble decided to leave to have phone sex. Sure.

Thursday May, 19,2011.
There are certain things you lose with posting late...

Sure, bruv. Sure.

...and it’s totally my fault but there are also certain things that you can never forget. 

Our first long conversation.
I was in a meeting when the call came in
Nobs: Hello
Her: It’s Zoba
Nobs: Same Zoba?
Zoba: How many do you know?
Nobs: I know one that was so cute and didn’t like my big head years back even though I used to dream about her boobs.

Hahahah. Noble even makes fun of his head too.

This picture is so appropriate right now.

Zoba: You used to dream about my boobs?
Nobs: Not really.
Zoba: It’s been a while. Got your number off your mum. I ‘m coming to Lagos tomorrow. I hope you will have time to for me. Where do you stay?

Damn son. Hoes these days should tuck their thirst in a little. Can't be having all over the place.

Nobs: Lekki
Zoba: Married?
Nobs: Yes, to Jesus.

Noble so funny. Noble crack funny jokes.

Zoba: You’ve not changed.
Nobs: Have you? Are they the same size?
Zoba: Bigger
Nobs: Where will you be staying in Lagos?
Zoba: 4Points or The Blu. I hear they are the new ones in Naija.
Nobs: Cool
Zoba: Keep your Friday open for me.
Nobs: Bring it on

...and the P has been set.

There are few things in life more interesting than big boobs, I can’t even remember any.

I concur.

These Are The Most Beautiful Girls? Ok...

I'm just going to leave this here



Who forced the Plateau babe tho?

Memoirs of a Nobskid VII

The Nigerian blog awards are coming up and we wouldn't mind if we won something. Who doesn't want to come first in this blogging thing, eh?

Back to the business of the day. Noble has updated his memoirs. Rejoice!

Sunday May 15,2011.

On sighting Biola, I wanted to totally ignore her and move on, but on the other hand I didn’t want her to go home feeling like she could go on treating me like shit.

Wait, were there memoirs last week? I'm seriously getting lazy with this thing.

Without trying to hate, I think the guy looks like a badly prepared Amala wearing baggy jeans and spotting a beard unevenly distributed on his chin.

Noble is insulting someone's looks?
*cough*

*cough*

So I excused myself and walked up to them

Nobs: Hey Biola

Biola: Hey

Nobs: (Extending my hands to her man) Hey my name is Chibuzor. (Trust me, I decided to introduce myself as Chibuzor just in case he was the same person that picked the call the night before)

Chibuzor tho? Not even a cool name like "Oliver". I mean, Noble looks like Oliver DeCoque anyway.

There I was thinking, “Biola thinks a minute with me is now a biggie?”

Noble, I know how you feel. Dead babes you used to block no longer have time for you. It hurts. Sometimes, I regret giving them my scantron too. Hoes!

On some occasions, I have ‘fashied’ Shirls just to spend some time with Biola and now because of her Amala in baggy jeans, she wouldn’t give me the time of day.

*cough*

*cough*

At that point, I hated the month MAY and even romanced the idea that Ada may be behind it considering the fact that I didn’t really treat her well in her mind. So there I was thinking maybe Ada had her bath naked and prayed for me not to have luck with any of my Lagos girls.

Ada be having Okija connect, yo!

Nobs: I called you last night.

Biola: I saw your missed call this morning and I didn’t have credit to call back.

Nobs: You can represent Nigeria.

Biola: How?

Nobs: for lying at the Olympics.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.
Ok, that was funny. I wont even front.

I really wanted to be mad at her but her boobs kept distracting me. She had a transparent top on and I could see the whole nine yards of her baby’s food.

Boobs are so distracting, cleavage especially. Sophomore year, I had to work with this girl for a class. I remember having to write all the MATLAB codes without her help. Before class, I'd prep myself to tell her off. I'd get to class and she'd show cleavage and I'd completely forget why i was mad. Women are demons. Ekwensu!

I digress.

Nobs: I heard you last night asking some man to tell me that you were asleep.

Biola: Nobs, cut the bullshit. I don’t f*cking owe you anything! 

Ye! Mogbe! //O\\ (that's me with my hands on my head if you haven't caught on)

Biola: Ask yourself, what is Biola to me? Am I just another character to grace the pages of your memoirs while you go about singing praises about how much love you have for your Slim?

SHET! The hour of reckoning has arrived.

Nobs: I thought we were trying to get a bit serious?

Biola: Serious? Do you get serious? I have been with you. I have even tried to play iyawo just to make you happy but what do I get in return – horrible lines in your online diary.

Biola, you gats get in line. Ada bin dey chill since. On a serious note, I can see why Biola is mad. After everything she did, Noble didn't bring his M&B A-game when he was writing about her. Biola wanted his tongue to trace her outline too,

Lord have mercy! It then dawned on me, Biola was really over me and didn’t give a shit about my feelings anymore but then instead of feeling bad, I was getting more attracted to her.

Don't do it, Noble! That's her plan. All na scamz!

That got me thinking of that time that she cooked for me.

The food? Not the sex or how she played with your chest hair during the sex?

Nobs: We are keeping David waiting, can you come later tonight?

Biola: So you can have something to post tomorrow!

hahahahahahahahah. Biola, why u so mad?

Biola: Nobs, what do you really want?

Nobs: A future with you

That did it. She kept quiet for a while and then

Biola: I will call you later.

Well, that was easy. Noble didn't have to use omo to wash her. She should have fronted small. I was enjoying it.

Biola: I will call you. Where did you pick the thing with you?

Nobs: In the same shop you bought your Amala.

Again.
*cough*

*cough*

We placed our order and while we were waiting I overheard the conversation going on at a table close by.

2 ladies were discussing the issue of a vibrator.

Lady 1: “I think I have a problem, I can never come with a d**k inside of me. It just has to be a vibrator and I think my new boyfriend feels cheated”

Lady 2: Really ? Why? He does not last long?

Lady 1: No, he does, I think it’s just my body

Nobs: O_O

On a serious note tho, are there people out there who find it difficult to come with a d**k inside of them?

This is not a problem for Noble. He always leaves his women satisfied. Never forget that.

Back in the room, I begged Shirls to play my best bedroom game.

Ghen! Ghen!

Shirls undressed and was just wearing her black bra and panties with her heels.

Noble, I'm getting you

She stood in front of me backing me and then bent over. The sight made my heart miss several beats.

Believe me, you may be eating one type of dish everyday but if presented in a different way, the dish will appear totally different and new.

Odi egwu!

She went down on all fours and spoke for the first time.

Shirls: Go ahead, eat me with 3 drops of ice cream.

This Shirls is just a harlot. Eat me with ice cream? You no dey fear infection, Shirls?

I moved on with my teeth to remove the panties, being careful not to tear it but at the same time eager to take if off.

Turned her over and lifting her legs high and parting them, I went all in for the panties, took it off and dropped it on the floor.

M&B flow. You see why Biola was mad? She didn't get this treatment.

I grabbed my phone, took a pic….

Boss!

and just as I was about to drop the phone back, it rang…

Nobs: Hello

Biola: I hope you are home, I’m almost at yours.

I went blank and so did my erection…

Hahahahahahahaha. Biola na bastard!

On NotJustOk Today...

...so I entered NotJustOk today. Y'know? The usuals. Getting my Nigerian music fix and whatnot. Then I saw this comment on the side.

PAUSE!

Comment Baiting

Is it me or does Linda Ikeji try to bait stupid comments?

Linda

Bella Naija 

It's her blog and she can do whatever but it just strikes me as lazy. Oh well.