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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Memoirs of a Nobskid III

This week’s memoirs are late and you know who’s to blame? Nobs. This is very irresponsible, Nobs. Just apologize…
I hate posting Memoirs of a SLU…shhkid late. It hurts me because I feel like we are in some sort of a relationship and I’m cheating on you. I’m so sorry. I have been busy working with Waje and MI on Waje’s album.
Good. Now that’s out of the way, let’s get to Nobs’ wisdom of the day.

So here’s the thing, I know some of you came here to get the list of the ‘used and approved’ locations where you can have car sex in Lagos.
Oooooh…we are talking about car sex this week. SWEET!
Before we go any further, I’ll like to state that I would not like to be judged for this list because I am making it public at no cost.
No, Nobs, you shan’t be judged. We promise.
Are there any rules to car sex?
• Turn on the car and AC (possibly to full blast) and face the AC vents to the windows and sit in the car for 15 minutes talking. The AC should create a mist-like effect on the window, which makes visibility from the outside next to impossible.
Nobody want’s to knack inside a pajero with no AC. No bueno.
• Since you will need the engine on, use a jacket or any thick material to cover the light from the radio set or the dashboard. This will make the inside of the car dark.
• For easy and stress-less car sex, the reverse cowgirl is advised.

But, we need locations, Nobs
• The City mall
• The Mega Plaza car park
• The Green GardenThe Palms
• Beside First Bank Lekki Phase 1
Thanks, Nobs! Now where were we with Ada?
I felt I didn’t really treat her well and I wouldn’t want her to travel with the notion that I disliked her when in the real sense I thought what I did was for our own good.
Our very noble Noble. Always looking out for the interests of his women. But you have to call her
Ada: Hello
Nobs: Ada, I’m sorry
Ada: Buzor, biko hapu’m aka
Nobs: Ada, it is not what you think. I did what I did for us.
Ada: I just know that I am not your type and that is what this is all about.
Ada, you’re wrong. Noble really wanted you but like those Amerix feems, he couldn’t tell you how he really felt.
Ada: Buzor, you knew me when I was single and still didn’t agree to date me.
Oh. My bad.
Just as I was about to enter my office I overheard my colleague telling another that she would break up with the boyfriend over “going soft during action”…She said “It was the first round and just in the middle of action, he went soft and couldn’t make it stand again”. “We tried all night and it wouldn’t get up”.
Please people, is that enough to break up a new relationship?
People, answer the man. Is that enough to break a relationship? I have this buddy of mine. His girlfriend at the time was giving him a blowjob. Other guys would have panicked and blamed the weather, but not my buddy. He straight up told her, “you suck at this, let’s watch TV”. Homegirl bawled her eyes out.

I digress.
So I twitted that I was driving to De Marquee to celebrate alone and someone promised me a blind date via twitter DM. I got to the bar, waited and waited but nobody turned up.
Wait, you were being serious?
Since I didn’t go out with my boys I decided to go home early and that was when she showed up…
Who could it beeeeee?
It was my Shirls looking all pretty and things

Shirls? What kind of dirty name is that? Shirls for Shirley? Nigerian girls need to respect themselves abeg. Which one is Shirls?
Shirls : You are an ashewo. So you sha came for this date
Nobs : I only came here because I wanted to hang out and not because of any stupid blind date.
Nobs does what he wants, heaux! He isn’t here for a date. Ok, he is but that’s irrelevant and we aren’t letting little facts get in the way.
Shirls : So do you still want to stay?
Nobs : Let’s go or are you going home?
Shirls : I’m your anniversary present

We drove home and immediately Obinna opened the door he said
Obinna : Nobs, can I see you? ….It’s very important
I wonder what could be so important that dumbass Obinna couldn’t save for later. Nobs is about to knack Shirls apako and Obinna is pouring sand inside the garri.
I opened my room and there was Ada lying down on my bed.
Ok, that’s kinda important.
Shirls: Nobs, We need to talk now. What sort of embarrassment is this?
Shirls, mechionu gi! Is it not in De Marquee that Nobs picked you up? Heaux of nowadays, having liver and whatnot. Such arrant nonsense!

Back to Ada on the bed. Is Ada here for braps? You. Go. Fear. Konji. Tho.


  1. LOL... that Anni-gini pic just slayed me...

    “you suck at this, let’s watch TV” ?? kai! it's a col' col' world!

  2. Nosa. I love you. Please never stop this feature. #lwkmd

  3. Chineke! Nobs will not kill us lol. Are we sure these memoirs are real? :s


  4. Z just stole the comment from my head and came to type it.
    I shall repeat it anyway.

    Nosa, i love you. Plix, abeg, ejoo, biko don't stop. I'll have to hunt you down and kidnap you if you do!!!
    And those gifs slay me, seriously.

  5. YOU CANNOT STOP THIS COMMENTARY!! You cannot! I wee hunt you down!!!!!

    Anni-gini?? #deaaaad!