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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Sanusi vs Your Daddy: Round 1

School has been killing me so I haven't really been up to date with affairs in the mother country. Apparently, some epic shit went down at the National Assembly the other day.

Does anyone remember this guy with the sweet bowtie that could pass for my uncle with more hair?

Probably not. Well, he's Sanusi Lamido, the gulliest Nigerian since that ballsy NAFDAC woman. Before I left for college, I remember he was the one that suggested those banking reforms, the one with the capital base thing. Yeah, the one that rendered your uncle's bank useless. I hadn't heard much from him since then so I figured someone told him to shut his mouth or something. 

Anyway, at Igbenedion University's convocation, he said 25% of Nigeria's budget goes to the National Assembly, or something like that. As expected, your daddy got mad and summoned Sanusi to the National Assembly to defend his comments (read: apologize). Sanusi went to the National Assembly with some Aganga guy, whose name sounds like something Timaya would chant. I'm guessing Life Anaganga...I mean, Aganga was supposed to be Sanusi's backup in case shit went down. You know how your daddy is, always fighting and shit. In case you forgot,

Back to my story, they stepped into the National Assembly and Aganga totally pussies out and disassociates himself from Sanusi. If I was Sanusi, I'd have fought him right there but, Sanusi is a far better man than I am. Iyiola Omisore, a PDP senator from Osun, said Sanusi was trying to incite Nigerians against the National Assembly, which is pretty funny because I'm pretty sure we didn't need Sanusi to hate the National Assembly. The Senate kept comparing Sanusi to the "amenable" Aganga, our brown-nosing friend. The National Assembly folk even resorted to bully tactics and told  Sanusi to only speak to them through Aganga. 

Being the badass that he is, Sanusi refused to apologize. This is like that one time I refused to apologize to the principal after I bullied some kid. Ok, I lie, I didn't even have balls like that. Sanusi said he would only apologize if the figures were wrong. He said, 
Total Federal Government Overhead is over N500 billion and the Overhead of the National Assembly is N136.2 billion. This is exactly 25.1 per cent of total government overhead. I am quoting from the figure I got from the Budget Office. If you like, you can invite the Director-General of the Budget Office...By my nature, if I do not believe that I am wrong, I do not apologise
I said what I said. If you don't like it, eat shit!
I'm pretty sure this pissed off the Senate a little. That probably explains why they ignored the figures and started questioning Sanusi's character. Even Bayelsa senator, Heineken Lokpobiri (No, you aren't blind. His name is Heineken),  chimed in,
We really need to be sure that the CBN governor has the character to stay in that office
The defeated Senators kept trying to break Sanusi. They asked him if he liked his job or felt like quitting. They even asked him if he thought democracy was too expensive, probably the dumbest of the questions. Don't Nigerian Senators earn earn more than any of their global counterparts? Democracy is not expensive but Nigerian democracy sure as hell is. I'll just stop there before your daddy summons me to the National Assembly too. I'm not a man like Sanusi, I'll probably shit my pants or something. Before  the whole thing ended, Sanusi had to deliver a Gladiator-esque statement.
My name is Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, not Central Bank Governor. I enjoy my job but if you want me to quit, I will honourably quit
In my head, I pictured Russel Crow saying that.

Sanusi went on to say that democracy was all about freeedom of speech and yada, yada, yada. Remember the traitorous Aganga? Well, homeboy decided to warn Sanusi not to "slander" the National Assembly. Is it still slander if it is true? Feeling left out, the House of Representatives have decided to get in the action. They've summoned Sanusi to defend his statement...again.



  1. He (Sanusi) made my day. 'Tis pretty scary that our leaders have no intellectual depth (oops, what to expect from an Omisore-led committee).

    At some point, they informed him if he realised his statement was embarassing the country (no sirs, tis not)? *thinking* so if a FACT is perceived to embarass the Country, it ceases to be a fact??? Nigeria (oops, low depth Senators - Omisore group) we hail thee!!!

    I especially love this Sanusi said; "...I am not holding the job tight. It is not my life. I am here at your pleasure, if you want me to go, please tell me and I will go without a fight, but, I am not thinking of quitting."

    Now, this is the guts of the president we want. As someone said, if Sanusi had been Ciroma's consensus cadidate, Jonathan can bid farewell to Aso Rock 2011.

  2. lmao! this is a badass post....................been laughing so hard and its a serious issue.
    Mr. heineken?!!!! wow too bad heineken wasnt popular when he went to school, he missed out on such glorious bullying,lol that name caused me to spit at my laptop screen and keyboard from laughing so hard, what a spray! never happened before.

  3. The story's on the news, but, the reporters don't capture it half as intriguing as you have. If all news were disseminated this way, folk like me wouldn't be steering clear away from news channels.
    Well done!
    Please stop by mine and comment accordingly.
    Would be nice to post something as witty from you on the blog, FOC, of course :)