Sweet Crude.

Found this on my Tumblr (I'd link you to it but it's rather personal [read: NSFW]).



Looks deep.

Breast Ironing

I know it's not Nigerian but it is all sorts of ass-backwards. SMH.

For some this reason, this song comes to mind

Can Kongi be our Pyrate President?

Now, unless you live under a Brazilian rock, most Nigerians know that Wole Soyinka, (aka Kongi) just formed a political party called Democratic Front for People Federation (DFPF).
Having established that, lets dream a little.

Lets assume Wole Soyinka decides to run for President under this new party of his. I am wondering, will he be flouting a provision of the constitution?

So, here is the case against Kongi:

According to the Nigerian Constitution's Section VI, subsection 137(1h), 

A person shall not be qualified for election to the office of President if he is a member of any secret society 

And if you are a Kongi fanatic, you probably know he started one of Nigeria's first fraternities also known as the National Association of Seadogs (aka the Pyrates)

I hope we don't need to explain why or how a fraternity might be considered a secret society.

However, there is a small window of defence for Kongi's lawyers should he hire any. Apparently, the Pyrates no longer consider themselves a fraternity. According to the "About Us" page of their website,

Today, PC has evolved from a campus confraternity to an international organisation with branches in Africa, Europe, Asia, America and Canada.

So it appears the pyrates are backing down from their earlier fraternity leanings. (To throw in a bit of irony to this situation, it is worth noting that he announced his political party at the Pyrate's yearly lecture!)


Hence, the #JAMBquestion, given this section of the Nigerian Constitution, can Kongi be President?

**Correct answers backed with the necessary legalese win a chance to take the first shot at this hypothetical supreme court case which will undoubtedly call into question this section of the constitution's compatibility with UDHR guaranteed rights to "freedom of association".

PS: I can already see all the Nigerian constitutional lawyers that read this blog (if there are any) rubbing their palms. Money go dey this election!

Nude Nigerian Woman on the Innerwebz...for realz this time

We've waited a long time for this. It was inevitable as soon as everybody and their housegirl started getting a blackberry.

I'm not going to put the picture up but i'll link you to it.

You know she's Igbo, right? It's only Igbo people that can be that yellow. The Igbo brand of light skin is different from the regular strain. I call it "Igbo Yellowness". This doesn't suddenly mean Igbo people are suddenly computer literate though. She uploaded the picture via ubertwitter, i.e. through her blackberry, and phone =/= computer.

Anybody else appreciate the use of a bowl? It gives her "I'm Baffing" pose some authenticity. I can dig it.

She loses some cool points for that forest between her legs though. That shit can only be saved by a forest fire. She should know better. If you took "Taking Nude Pictures 101", you'd know that shaving your bush is the most important thing. Right after "being prepared to photoshop the shit out of it".

In conclusion, I'd hit but then again, I have little to no standards. Haha.

UPDATE: The picture has been taken off the innerwebz. I got a screencap just in case.

SNLH Weighs in on Nmachi Ihegboro

I don't know if we've shared this little fact with you lately, but Nigerians are superhuman. That's right people, we have been blessed with talents that defy the laws of nature. A few of these talents include: fooling perfectly intelligent people into giving us their bank account numbers, infiltrating every country on earth (except maybe North Korea) and of course, giving birth to racially confusing children.

So the family says that this child is legitimate, and not borne of a one-off affair the wife had with the hot young neighbour next door. The doctors also attest to the fact that this is a natural birth, and there was no reproductive assistance (in vitro fertilization, hormones, etc) involved. Now, my first reaction to this story was to remind myself and everyone else of one of the key things I've learned in my short life: People Lie. However, when I finally saw a photo of this baby, I reconsidered my stance.

Source: The Sun Online

First of all, she looks like her parents. So the Desperate Housewives-esque tryst theory is thrown out the window. Secondly, and probably most importantly, this baby does not look like any other baby I've ever seen. Too much hair, seriously blue eyes, and somehow manages to look both white and black at the same time. She clearly gets her nose from her mother, and her chin from her dad. The most amazing part of it all is that despite all this, she manages to look freakin' adorable. She's already this decade's biggest medical miracle by virtue of her birth alone, and then she has to go and be inhumanly cute as well. Like I said, superhuman.

OMG, I just had an idea: what if Nigerians have ALIEN GENES? Like, you know that Yoruba creation myth where the dude comes down from heaven and establishes Ile-Ife? What if wasn't just some dude who fell out of a tree while trying to steal mangoes?...

To be serious though, as the skeptic/pessimist I am, I can only forsee a rough childhood for this girl. She'll steal the hearts of all the boys at school, of all races, but all the girls will hate on her and tell her it's because she's white that the boys like her. In public, people will treat her better than her parents and siblings because she looks white. People will expose their racism in conversations with her because they don't know she comes from a black family. If she ends up schooling in Nigeria, she'll be picked on because she looks different, and no one will accept that she's truly a Nigerian because she's not black. I hope none of these things actually happen to her, but they could. Maybe this girl being born is supposed to make us aware of our own prejudices, as well as those of society and people of all races that have been neatly swept under the rug.

On the bright side, however, our dear Nmachi has finally been able to overturn the modern myth that Europeans did everything before Africans did. We gave birth to a white child before they gave birth to a black child. We be ON that genetic aberration shit like we were on that two-story house shit thousands of years ago. I mean, it'll eventually happen for them, since tons of Americans married people with black ancestry without knowing they had black ancestry (passing FTW) but WE DID IT FIRST. Take THAT, former colonial masters.


Nosa UPDATE:

I only do this out of love

Siji

A lot of posts today, eh? You can blame my poor sleeping habits for that. I got an email the other day from Jazzhole about some guy called Siji. It was a press release for his new video.  I ignored it like I normally do but I forwarded it to Sugabelly and Mellowyel. Mellowyel is into African indie stuff like that so figured she'd do a post on it if it was legit.

Anyway, I was watching "Weeds" and at the end of the show, some "Babalawo" song comes on. I google it and I find out it was by some Wunmi person. My google fu was strong so I found a download. I also noticed Siji on Wunmi's myspace friend list. I went to his page and gave his music a listen. He's actually pretty good and it's surprisingly very Nigerian. His music has a neo-Nigerian soul feel to it. It's like Femi Kuti mixed with Asa.



SIJI - "Morenike" (Official Video) from SIJI on Vimeo.


My name is Nosa and I approve of this artist.

Look, there's moar

Submissions are very welcome

You searched for wut??? Pt. III

I can't sleep again. I guess that means I should do another post since the last one didn't amuse me much. I wonder why my body can't function like every other person's. This nonsense has been happening all summer. I go to bed like every other kid at 9 pm but unlike every other kid, I wake up at 12 am. I might have to resort to sleeping pills. Until then, this will suffice.

I guess this person was looking for statistical proof that Igbos are hated in Nigeria. Are Igbos hated in Nigeria? I mean, they do have Jewish proclivities. In America, Jews are considered fiscally sound aka selfish bastards. At least that is what my numerous white friends have made me believe and you know what they say about stereotypes.
I honestly doubt Igbos are hated in Nigeria though. I think we all subconsciously hate Hausa people. It probably has something to do with the fact they've been in power so much despite the fact we think they are as stupid as shit. Don't lie, you know you think Hausa people are stupid.

Can someone shoot me an email when "nigerianpornstars.com" goes live? I doubt it'll be anytime soon though. If anything, "ghanaianpornstars.com" will go up first. You know how Ghana likes feeling like they can outdo Nigeria every damn time. They already have a head start too, see Hot Fork and Wapipi Jay. Don't even ask me how I know about those titles.

I didn't know there was a "nigerian" way of saying LMAO. I thought we said "LMAO" like other people or does this person want to know how to say it in "Nigerian"? You know I'm fluent in "Nigerian". I know I never told you that but it is one of the numerous languages I speak, up there with. If you don't believe me, ask all the Americans that wanted to know if I spoke "Nigerian" or "African".

or maybe the person was looking for "LWKMD"? I doubt this is the case. It makes way to much sense so I'm just going to go with my earlier stated stance.

Nosa breaks down the Nigerian criminal code Pt. II

Hello there!

It’s been a while since I did this, don’t you think?

216. Any person who unlawfully and indecently deals with a boy under the age of fourteen years is guilty of a felony, and is liable to imprisonment for seven years.

The term "deal with" includes doing any act, which if done without consent, would constitute an assault as hereinafter defined.

I guess this means the age of consent is 14.

Hmmm…where’s Yerima?

218. Any person who has unlawful carnal knowledge of a girl under the age of thirteen years is guilty of a felony, and is liable to imprisonment for life, with or without caning.

Any person who attempts to have unlawful carnal knowledge of a girl under the age of thirteen years -is guilty of a felony, and is liable to imprisonment for fourteen years, with or without caning.

Wait…why did the age of consent drop for girls? I swear Yerima had a say in this. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that girls hit puberty earlier than boys do.

Does this mean puberty = consent in Nigeria?

Which situations demand caning?

#JambQuestions

221. Any person who-

(1) has or attempts to have unlawful carnal knowledge of a girl being of or above thirteen years and under sixteen years of age; or

Aha!

We have nabbed Yerima!

There’s no way he won’t want to make sweet, sweet, sex to his bride. Or he could just be letting her mature until she is ripe. Is that how Hausa* people do it. I guess we could all take a cue from them, eh? I should start hanging out in maternity wards and marry as many cute babies as I can find. One of them has to be hot, right?

(2) knowing a woman or girl to be an idiot or imbecile, has or attempts to have unlawful carnal knowledge of her;

is guilty of a misdemeanor, and is liable to imprisonment for two years, with or without caning.

Does this mean hooking up with drunk women is illegal? FUDGE!!!

How am I supposed to get any action now? Drunk women just so happen to be the demographic I seem to have luck with.

This is bullshit!

Does this mean girls with daddy issues are off limits too? Will I be caned if I have carnal knowledge of a drunk girl with daddy issues? That has to warrant caning, right?


*For my purposes, I have lumped Hausa and Fulani people to form one tribe.


Part I


PS: If you are interested in doing a guest post, shoot us an email stuffnigerianshate[at]gmail[dot]com

Homosexuality and Nigeria

Today, I was doing what I do when I'm bored and can't sleep. No, not watching pr0n. Perv! I was going through our sitemeter stats and I found this blog. I was talking about how hard it is to find openly gay Nigerians on twitter the other day. The girl* that runs the blog is gay or queer, I don't know the appropriate term so excuse my ignorance.

I admire her.

I wish I was that brave. Knowing how homophobic most Nigerians are, coming out publicly is a very ballsy move. I have my own history of homophobia so I'm not going to claim I was always down with the cause. I used to think gay people were less than human until I actually met a gay person in the flesh. He was human like me, he went through the same shit I went I did. He hated homework too. Who wudda thunk it?

A friend showed me this video of a gay pastor in Nigeria. I would embed it but "Embedding disabled by request". The same friend also told me the church was burnt down by Nigerians. I am not going to sit here and claim I know what is wrong or right but I think people should be judged based on their character and not who or what they are attracted to.

The video comments are in typical outraged Nigerian style: poorly punctuated and vicious.

How come u call urself a pastor wen u r leading many souls to hell.repent, preach d truth,win souls for Christ n stop these ur nti-christ preaching.i hope u remember vividly well in d Bible about what happened 2 Sodom n Ghomorah.so jst dont let d anger of God be upon u n those dat follow u in misleading children of God n for turning The Bible upside down.Read this book"4 HOURS INTERVIEW IN HELL". Please repent n be saved!!!!!!!!!!

Leviticus chapter 18 vs 22, 1 corinthians chapter 6 vs 9, Romans chapter 1 vs 26, all diz verses 4rm d bible strongly criticized same sex union. Pastor Rowland Jide Macaulay, or what eva u are been called, u must be a liar & full of deciet 2 claim u love GOD & still lie abt his scriptures, just 2 mak a way 4 ur lustful emotions. If u continue in dis heinous act & fail 2 accept GOD wholeheartedly, u are gonna burn in hell!!

God Punish You, you are a false prophet.
The Bible says: LEV 18:22 "THOU SHALT NOT LIE WITH MANKIND AS WITH WOMANKIND IT IS AN ABOMINATION!
Seen as you are a theologist, explain the scripture above. PLEASE.

I wish I could explain homosexuality but I can't. However, I know this much: being gay is not a choice.

Now I'm done with the serious, we can get back to the funnay

*UPDATE: The blog is run by a girl not a dude. The picture with the beard threw me off. My apologies. Thanks Ife & Miss Fizzy

I make fun of Yoruba people too

It's common knowledge that I think Igbo people aren't computer literate and I think Hausa people are stupid. Yoruba people have been spared not because there's nothing to make fun of them for, I've just been too lazy to.

Well, I can't sleep so enjoy

I know she is Nigerian

UPDATE: Look some more

Na Wa 4 U

Okay, so I found this blog or actually sugabelly did and I think it is absolutely hilarious.

Do yourself a favor and visit it.

This post in particular is teh lulz

Ummm First of all, is this babe breathing at all? why tha heck is that boy look like a corpse? and why is she even closing her eyes like say the thing dey sweet her? Why is his top black lip suffocating her? why tha heck is she trying to suck out the living goodness out of the guy's lower lip?..............PLS SOMEONE TELL ME WHATTA HECK is going on in this picture....Is this a saliva tranfusion or smth?
U know I be hearing a lot of girls saying that Naija guys aren't romantic and stuff.....But I could also say the same about Naija girls too :) Come on u see what trying to act or be like the western people can cause?
Although i can bet that both peeps dont even know how to spell what they are doing, but to be honest tho, this is just a typical Naija gal kissing :)   Always tryna suck your tonsils out your throat while slobbering you with slime all over....
HA HA ...I love my Naija babes jare, but una know say na true wey i dey talk shaa

I. Am. #dead. I need to find whoever runs it and get him/her here, shit's hilarious.